...my eyes stay closed ... my breathing is slow but my mind races. Images-ideas-hopes-wishes-relationships-fantasies feel real even thought I'm only experiencing them behind my closed eyes. My thoughts, bright and fast-paced, are a harsh contrast to the pitch black of my room. I can't tell reality from fiction here in this state of mind.
My pillow is smooth and cold, my mattress contours to my body and my blankets reek the comforts of home. I should be at peace. But within my still body rushes worry and frustration. My seemingly exhausted body is deceiving.
As I lay there I can't stop THINKING ... about jobs ... again.
I've ranted about this once and well here goes again....because the past two weeks I haven't gone to sleep before 1 am unless intoxicated ... ha ha.
Lately my nightly epiphanies of how to solve all my problems include : joining a branch of the military, moving to Bellingham, moving in with my Granny in Florida,as well as up and going abroad (BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE REALLY COOL)...etc.
I have contacted every contact and networked with every uhh networking uhh person I can. Telling them a short bit about myself and my resume hoping to somehow show them (hopefully successfully) my passion and DESPERATION for employment in a professional manner.
CHA RIGHT.
So since I last ranted I have done some things and realized others.
HERE'S WHAT THEY ARE :
I needed to make a list of what I wanted in a job ... everyday working conditions to what I want from the job etc and another list of what I don't want.
Example:
I DON'T WANT TO BE A FRONT DESK GIRL EVER AGAIN.
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO ASK SOMEONE IF I CAN LEAVE THE DESK TO PEE.
I DO want to have a writing position.
I DO want to be able to wear leggings to work.
etc.
The other thing I had to do was :
GET MY HEAD OUT OF MY ASS.
If you haven't done so do it immediately.
It feels great.
Please realize that you are not the only one looking for a career, a job, a way to pay your bills ... you are not the only person who deserves to earn a decent pay doing what they went to school for ... you are not the only person who has networked just as hard as you have ... you are not the only person who didn't land a job out of college ... you are not the only person trying on a daily basis to get a job ...
Oh excuse me it sounded as though I was talking to you ... I was STERNLY REMINDING MYSELF of all the above because I just realized before writing this that I am so pig headed.
MY GOSH. Did I really think I was the only one who rewrites their resume everyday? The only one who has parents on them to start paying rent because they are still living at home a year after graduating? The only one who knows they are much smarter than the position they are in? Etc.
And another thing, KRISTIN LEIGH (once again talking to myself), what do you do when you get home? OnDemand Real Housewives of NY? Then see if there's a new Community? Or do you head straight to the computer and get to crackin on this so called career you deserve? I'm pretty damn sure you live in your UW Snuggie (LOVE THAT THING) with your afternoon snack and veg out for an hour or two. So yes...you really could be trying harder.
Lastly, most importantly, I realized I am lacking faith.
Since I am no longer in charge or my life or running the show as they say ... I don't have to worry. I can turn it over to Him. I can say God...I can't handle this...I need your help.
WOW is that easier said than done.
But it's not like I can sit back and wait for the job to come to me. So how do I balance having faith and not being uhh lazy? ... to answer my own question ... since well I am talking to myself and am the only on here ATM ... I just have to keep working...ACTING...but not thinking. THINKING IS NOT A TOOL. When has worrying gotten you anywhere (now I'm addressing you)? When has stressing when you're late for something ever made you get there faster? Besides acting like a total ass-hole on the road you've accomplished nothing to get to your goal.
So tonight I'm going to watch Despicable Me before bed ... and NOT read my getting back to work tip book. I'm going to put happy ridiculous comforting thoughts into my head and ponder those before falling asleep. Because, shit. When I'm awake is when I should be acting and putting in all this effort. Not when I'm in bed. That's sleeping time and that's just SWHAT-IM-GON-DO.
And that's tonight's post. Hope it sparked something in you or helped calm you down or evoked some kind of reaction out of you because well that's my goal :)
<3 ... oh PS I was listening to this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WL9rn948eps&NR=1&feature=fvwp while writing.
Kris.
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