It's Working

Yesterday was amazing.

It was a peek at what my life can be like in sobriety.
When I’m healthy. Being defined as when I’m not in the food or in the booze.
I think I want to have another one just like it.
Yes that's sarcasm.ish.
I want god to know how much I appreciate it.
For some strange reason I was just happy, optimistic, wanted to be goofy, laugh. I didn’t have a negative outlook on the day or people.

And I’m realizing that’s what I do. I don’t trust people to be nice to me, to do things for me, why should they? Why would they? I guess I don’t feel I deserve it. My low self esteem is really messing things up for me. I think about how I’d like to live right on the beach in a cottage house. My dream job is to be a reporter about good stuff, charities, happy endings and things in my community. I think of it as a dream and only a dream. I already admit defeat before I even try. That’s really sad.

I was looking through pictures from September 2010 until now at like 2 am this morning. In so many of those photos I remember an event where I had too much to drink or not even that, but just something to drink and I had a feeling of remorse, anger, just a bad connotation with it. I ruin events for myself while in the food (meaning that's all I was thinking about) and in the alcohol.

My sobriety is (again learning curve here) SLOWLY becoming the most important thing to me. Being out of my head and those habits gives a chance for me and God's will to come through. And my gosh it is so easy once I realize it. Turn it over to him, I can't handle my life my habits my anger on my own so I can ask for help.

I just need to keep working to have this clarity and understanding of myself all the time.
And let me tell you ... it is so amazing to be able to see these gifts and automatically want to turn around and thank God for them.

It’s sticking. I’m learning. I really am changing for the better.

I'm blogging about this because I want to tell you inspire you share with you this realization.
I want this light, this happiness, this serenity I feel to spread. I don’t remember what I was like before. I just think of my past as dark, confused, angry, bitter, lost.

Thinking about high school all I remember was feeling inadequate. Always looking for someone to boost me up give me confidence, I had confidence around those who were younger than me so I hung out with them. My grade, my year, I didn’t think I was anything/anyone special. I was there, I remember always wondering what people thought of me, how they saw me, who was I to them? I wasn’t the best at anything, I didn’t stand out, I felt as though I didn’t matter. How sad. High school could have been so fun. I loved going to the games and the spirit and sense of community. I loved my volleyball team and the girls and that sense of belonging…but then the fact that I sat on the bench the entire time ruined it. I sadly, remember my main goal was to look hot on the bench. Haha no joke. I would wear more makeup than I did at school, curl my hair, hike that wonderful spandex up…because I didn’t have an identity or confidence in my skills (since obviously I wasn’t good enough o play) so I needed to be good at something. I could control my weight looks and makeup.

I think this has a lot to do with why I had/have an eating disorder.

I was just lost. Not knowing who I was on the inside, not liking who I was on the inside, so I tried to control and fix what I could elsewhere. That’s why I got good grades and that’s why I was so obsessed with my weight and looks. It’s such a waste now that I look at it, but remorse oh remorse you will not get me! Screw you regret. I’m learning from it now. I’m trying to at least.

The other thing that just really hurt in high school was the pranks that were pulled on me. I’m crying now because I can still feel that pain of not understanding what was wrong with me, why people did these things to me. It started with a bag of shit on my door step Freshman year. Then some one spray painted that I was a whore in my lawn when I was 16. People put signs all over it a couple times. My house was tpd and egged and forked. On the first day of senior year my car had the words “beer slut” “whore” “stupid” “blonde” “easy” written all over it. I was so excited for my senior year to start and THAT’S WHAT I WOKE UP TO. My house was paintballed by people I thought were my friends and after my parents freaked out those friends were saying I was a bitch for telling my parents who had done it.
I would stay up late at night on weekends thinking every car I heard every yell was another person that was going to tag my house. I’m not being dramatic, just honest. When my prom date asked me senior year he came late at night. I thought it was another uhhh hater if you will trying to do something else. Him asking me to prom was definitely a pleasant surprise.
I also remember how harsh words of people on the internet. I asked for it by posting sob stories and my feelings for everyone to read…but one of my best friends was secretly commenting calling me fat and ugly. Anyway this is a rant that’s going nowhere.
Back to the good stuff…
It seems weird but I didn’t understand when people would just go to each others houses after school. I wanted to isolate. I wanted my food and my alone time. I wanted to work out and my alone time. I wanted to sleep because it took time from being awake and present in my life.

After 8 months in program and letting God in my life I am seeing how much time I have when I’m not focused on those things and myself. I see and feel the joy helping/being/thinking of others can bring.

Happy Memorial Day...take a second to remember why you're here reading this instead of at work.

<3 Kris.