...IT WAS SUNNY IN BOTHELL.
Now call me crazy but it is not supposed to do that in May.
...no wait...
Ha I'm funny. Anyway...I got myself a nice sun burn from weeding the front yard and cleaning out my beautiful car, Pearl.
Needless to say I was not sitting inside typing on this here laptop as I am doing now.
Now Easter is over and He has risen. YAY.
The new theme for church is the 5 words of hope and challenge for North Creek Saints.
Now, I have NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS. Because I was working out until the last possible second and arrived 8 minutes late to church...THIS brings me to what I learned in church on Sunday.
I AM SELFISH. incredibly. disgustingly. SELFISH.
Ahhh I do deeply care for my friends and family and would do anything for them however when I say SELFISH I mean that I do what I want because I want to.
I couldn't end my work out five minutes early to be on time for church because I FELT FAT. I do and have done many things in order to keep this disease alive and well. I would go on long walks before going out to dinner with my family because I couldn't stand the thought of my thighs being so stationary for so long let alone sitting there FEEDING MY FACE while I could be exercising.
When I'm at work and haven't checked my phone for a while and I see that I have 8 texts. First thing that pops into my head is "I hope they are not all from mom" ...haha but seriously ... I get annoyed. WHO is asking for my attention?! DON'T THEY KNOW HOW BUSY I AM?! So I send a one word answer back. Only to find out they are being really nice and wanted to invite me to dinner, wanted to say hi because THEY CARE ABOUT ME, etc. But nope my brat self just goes to how they are inconveniencing me.
The other day I was an HOUR AND A HALF LATE to a BBQ because I couldn't find anything to wear. Everything (and my gosh did I try on EVERYTHING ... jeans sweats leggings dresses ...) I put on was disgusting. I looked awful, I could see my flaws, faults and human failures and I cried. Sat in my damn room and cried. POOR ME. I have too many clothes to try on and too many options to make a decision about what to wear to a stinkin BBQ. (which btw no one cared what I looked like). I made my friends wait an hour and a half so I could have a fit over my looks. HOW RUDE IS THAT?!
I realized that I do these things and act this way because well...I'm getting away with it. There is no punishment for being late to church, my friends weren't waiting on me, my parents and I still went and had dinner ... etc. I do what I want when I want when I can get away with it.
AND TO ADD TO THIS MADNESS ... I feel sorry for myself that I am so whimpy.
Oh poor me...I have an eating disorder and hate myself and am struggling and wahwahbooFUCKINGwhoo Kristin.
Ah it is a freeing amazing feeling to realize how messed up I am BUT HOW I DON'T HAVE TO BE!
why am i using caps so much today?
So here's how I get my head out of my ass.
With help from this fine establishment.
AND.
I pause and think, which is easier because I have now become aware of my selfishness. You can't fix a problem you didn't know existed.
Pastor Paul talked about how God says HELLO to everyday. He greets each day with the same enthusiasm as he did the last. It would be incorrect to say that one day he didn't give as much umph as the last. Did the sun not rise the same as it did before? Did he fail to give birds their wings? Did he make your new nephew any less special than your neighbors new baby?
NO.
He is the creator of all things. He made each one of us, he didn't half ass some of us and give others more attention. We are all his creation and we are all unique. I can become less selfish if I refuse to waste each day, each gift I've been given on self pity.
We are blessed to be alive. It may not feel like it always but shoot dang pay attention! See all of the blessings we have today, instead of choosing to feel down or bad about what we don’t. Each flaw, problem, issue, emotion that we have and experience is thanks to the GIFT of life.
Now this kind of thinking isn't something that comes easy or natural to me, but with practice it most certainly makes life become easier and more natural to me.
PS National Day of Prayer is May 5.
Yes that is also Cinco de Mayo.
Just a fun fact for ya.
Kris.
No comments:
Post a Comment