I'm Full And So Hungry

Just finished a normal dinner.
ED is disgusted that I ate everything I am supposed to.
I have been home sick all day and the most exercise I've had is walking up and down the stairs to sleep.

My dad just walked in and I had to rewind the news to try to figure out WTF they were saying AGAIN.

"Did you get the mail like I asked?"
"I didn't know you asked me to."
"Fine. I'll get it."
Slams door.

Immediately my mind goes. OMG He's on a walk. I should walk. I haven't exercised. I feel fat...
The urge to get up and move and burn calories takes over. I can't sit here and type this much longer.

But I need to recognize that the only reason I want to walk is because my dad upset me. Talked down to me.
Not because I truly want to exercise.
My mind just goes there to cope.

Being here reminds me of the cutting remarks and the child-like behavior that I lived with my entire life. It doesn't help.

I had texted my dad asking him to pick up Sprite and Jello on his way home since my throat really hurts. He goes "Ok I'll just take the money I spend out of your checking account."

Now I may be being a brat but ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I have had to move back in with you because I am so depressed, so desperate and drowning in debt and you can't buy me fucking Jello?

They'll put money toward an $800 new faucet but when I'm telling them to their faces that I am sad. I need help. And I can't afford it. The offer to help pay doesn't come up.

It's just like when I was in high school and finally asking for help. Trying to tell my mom about my anxiety and these thoughts. And she would shut me down. Tell me to cut it out. To stop being so selfish.

I told my mom I wanted to go to an energy healer (I think that's right). She just looks at me blankly.

"Well I think it'll help. I've tried other things. She can give me direction. It worked for multiple of my friends. I wanted to ask for it for Christmas."

"How much is it?"

"100 or more?"

Looks back at her computer.

As much as I wish it, it seems like somethings may never change.

So I also tried looking up therapists and dietitians today. Most of them are a 40 or more minute bus ride from my office. Which is just like my old commute and mostly why I stopped going.

The other therapists I found that are close are not in a network so I would pay out of pocket.

However with how little I make at my current job I can't afford a twice a week therapy dietitian thing.

But in order to get a new job I need more experience and my current job won't give me more experience and responsibility because I don't show up because of my bulimia...so...it's a circle.

I can't seem to get out of it.

I need a lucky break. A new job. A cheaper therapist. My parents to help out. I so desperately want to change and work to get healthy but I feel trapped.

Lastly, ChaCha and I are on a break  / broken up whatever you want to call it.
So I'm also losing one of my best friends. But I can? can't? be that sad becauase I'm mostly the one who wants it to end. Or I feel like it needs to. I won't go into details but it's pretty much over (he's abroad so we've only been able to text...sigh) so I'm mourning that too.

Sorry to be so depressing but I have every right to be. I just can't get stuck in it though.

So as always gratitude list:

That my parents let me stay here.
That there's a bus to Seattle near their house.
That I have a big support system.
That an interview I had today was able to be rescheduled.
That I have contacted three therapists.
It's ALMOST Thanksgiving!