So...I Moved Back In With My Parents.

Hi kids.

Checking in.

I'm not doing so well-still. 

I'm staying at my parents to help stop the BP cycle. Today will be the first full day I haven't done it in months. So that's good.

The fact that my mother drives me fucking crazy and she doesn't understand at all what it's like to have an ED and my dad is as emotional as a table...doesn't help. But I have my cats.

I don't know why I'm so sad one moment and then the next I'm mad.

I am like a junior high girl getting picked on at school. I run to the bathroom to hide my tears every other hour.

I just want to feel better / at least not like this so, my ED thoughts have come back. Like full force. I skimped on breakfast. Hated myself for eating lunch. And felt out of control when I was eating trail mix for a snack. Each peanut, chocolate, raisin (for goodness sakes) I regretted. 

What am I doing? Why am I eating? I have so much weight to lose. This isn't going to help.

I even had the thought that I have to lose weight to prove to work that I really am sick again so they won't fire me.

I forced myself to workout after work but I think I would explode with irrational anger when I got home if I didn't. But I did feel sexy and strong while doing so. 

However sick thoughts came flying through my head.

You're all about to learn how shallow I am. Er ED is (trying to separate the two).

My favorite ... their favorite thing to do is to picture myself as a gogo dancer. Yes that's right. All sexy and slim but fit. And tan oh so much spray tan. With big hair. Gorgeous makeup. Amazing costume. And I'm on stage and I'm free.

I can dance. I can listen to my favorite music. And best of all I look good. Damn good. And everyone loves me. Everyone wants to either do me or be me.

THAT is my dream. THAT is all I want.

WHAT a lame ass goal. But that's what ED wants. And thinks would make me happiest. And I'd just ride my life on that high forever.

When I go to shows I dress up in my costumes with my fake confidence (sometimes it's real though) and pretend that this is my real life. That I go with the flow. That I'm just here to have fun. To enjoy. That I don't give a fuck.

But it's not true. It's so opposite.

But I can't blame myself for wanting to escape because for whatever reasons (well I guess I know what they are. Important relationships are falling apart, I'm trapped in my work and I'm losing control of my recovery..er lost.). And all I know or can think of to do is either drink, binge, or exercise. Because nothing else seems to let me feel better or not feel.

I have been holding it all in. I'm so afraid of what will happen if I let it go. I don't even know what IT is though. I'm not sure what's wrong other than I feel wrong. Sad. Mad

But then I'm just avoiding it. My friend reminded me of that today. And she's right. But I want to pretend that recent events didn't happen and they aren't happening. I'm too scared of what will happen if I let them in if I give them weight and truth.

In a life, the life I want to live I know that everything will need to be seen and felt. I would wear my heart on the outside.

My friend sent me this letter that another woman wrote to her ED. She was breaking up with it. And this really inspired me.

"When we were asked to describe ourselves as others see us, the words “fat” and “gross” were not among those used. It is time to remove those words from my vocabulary. It is time to end this book, finally, and begin another. It is time to say goodbye." 

I guess I couldn't have read this at a better time because Ed has been VERY loud. Loud like it used to be loud.

But I know when I'm being disordered and I just have to do the opposite. To tell that thought that it's wrong. That it's not true.

I'm kind of watching MNF while writing this so I hope it makes some sense.

As always I can't thank you all for reaching out to me. If anything I'd love to hear what you're going through. I'd love to get out of my own head and stop thinking about myself for once.

My friends have been great and they now know just how ugly I am inside but they have been nothing but supportive.

OK I'm going to look up nutritionists because one of you lovely (I mean that) people are texting me to do so.