Self-Love

So maybe you've caught on that I learn things slowly.

Like if I drive drunk...I'm eventually going to get caught. -- Drive hammered get nailed is not just a clever saying they thought up...it's got some weight to it.

If I text while I drive...I'm eventually going to total my pride and joy (aka Pearl, my Subaru 2003 Outback aka my freedom).

If I keep overeating and throwing up...I'm going to continue to have an eating disorder.

If I keep telling myself I'm worthless and ugly and stupid and that no one likes me...I'll continue to believe it.

But recently I learned somethings that were a little...A LOT...more positive.

If I tell myself that I deserve recovery...If I start changing my habits one meal / hour / instance / whatever at a time...I will make progress.

That's the key to change...is slow steps forward...not giving up...whatever it is you're doing...or trying to accomplish...it will only work if you work it.

So.

If I actually look in the mirror at myself and tell myself...

I'm worth recovery. I deserve a better life. I'm a beautiful person. I'm sexy. I'm smart. I'm a selfless, self respecting person.

It'll start to come true.

Have you ever tried standing naked in front of the mirror and telling yourself you're just fine the way you are? It's hard. When I've tried my throat gets dry, tongue swells up, I begin to shake and cry. All my life (most of what I can remember) I've been critiquing, analyzing, HATIN' (ha ha) on myself. I have had no other idea of what I am or who I could be because I wouldn't let myself. That was the unknown that was scary that was unimaginable.

Now that I'm not seeing myself that way. I'M SCARED SHITLESS. What if happiness is possible? Not permanent white picket fence perfection bullshit happiness but a calm, serenity, positive outlook on life? A center that I get to go back to...to live in? These are thoughts I've never allowed myself to fathom...now that I am I've gone to crazy town. It exists...I live there currently. Second guessing myself...my words...my actions...who I'm becoming without the disease. AND THE SCARIEST THING?!

IS I LIKE WHO I AM. It's wonderful. It's freeing. But it takes work.

So for today...just in this hour I've done something that makes me feel good. I've written. I've shared some bit of my recovery with whoever chooses to read this...and if not with anyone I've shared it with my God and myself.

But shootdang. I hope someone reads this.

<3

Can't Help But Smile

It is disGUSTing (get it?gust ... Wind? Eh?) Outside. Simply miserable...like my hair right now.

(I was writing this on my phone but only just uploaded it um well meow)

I'm on the silent, pleasant, slightly muggy bus that takes me to and from work everyday.

I live for this bus. If this bus was a dude I'd be a stage 5 clinger. I need to know where it is at all times, I literally chase it and man do I ride it hard. Ha. Had to. My apologies.

Anyway, even though it is much less than pleasurable outside I have a warm heart.

Aw.

Funny things happened today. Things that were silly and simple and splendid...simply splendid surprises. Sorry. That's the copy writer in me.

First thing was when my umbrella blew inside out, 5 times, as I walked to work. I couldn't stop laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. My socks had fallen inside my boots, my hair clung to my face and my hood blew off. I felt comical.

Second thing that made my heart jump and brought a stupid grin to my face was when I was on my walk. I do a lap to Safeco daily.

So some tall dark and handsome thing came out of the parking garage. I was all in the zone listening to Calvin Harris when we caught eyes. I got embarrassed like I was awkward and in 7th grade again (now I'm just awkward). But something in me made me look back up and smile catch his green eyes for a lingering moment, quick enough to bite my lip a bit (nervous habit) and walk on. That gave me a surge of confidence. Whether I looked like an idiot or not I dont care because Id like to stay ignorant and think I was a touch sexy.

Last but not least was just a bit ago I was waiting for my bus out of the rain in the entrance of a parking garage. The entire entry way is glass, I like it bc then I can see my bus coming. I was stretching out my hamstrings in a lunge when I was reminded how glass works. You can see through it...meaning I can see out and people can see in. I had forgotten the second part and this guy, pretty cute I might add, imitated my lunge. It took me a second to figure out wtf he was doing but when I did I stood straight up and glared. Then dropped my scowl into a smile. I mean it really was funny. He walked off looking back waving as we both cracked up.

Completely stupid small things bright light to my day. I'm glad to say I can recognize those things now. I can appreciate those things now. And I ask you...what made your day today?

There was so much cheese in that question you could make a mean quesadilla.

BTW All these pictures were taken on my way to or from work. You just have to stop and look for the beauty in things. It's not hard if your heart and mind are open.

<3 Kris.

A Year Ago I Was...

On Monday, October 31st it will have been a year since I went to Brisbane, Australia.

(Technically this is Stradbroke Island...) (Photo credit...James Carr :) )

So many emotions come up when I think of what I'm doing now compared to what I was doing then.

Time was running out for it to be still acceptable to be unemployed after graduating that summer. I was job searching, desperate for anything that paid decently...demoralized since I wasn't able to find anything in my field of study. Thanks degree.

I ended up being a receptionist at Microsoft (for seven months).

I was working promos for Bonneville Seattle...am still there...hardly though.

Now I have a full time job, writing.

I was dating the guy who I thought was the love of my life, the one that just might be uhh THE ONE. It was love, but not that kind of love. We were doing the long distance thing, a different hemisphere long distance. I had it better than I knew, you don't know what you have until it's gone right? Yay learning experiences haha He was studying abroad in Brissy and I took the opportunity to visit him. Until I left on Halloween night, my day to day was focused on the gym, working promos, job hunting, skyping with him and writing/reading letters from him.

It was about this time I started taking my recovery seriously.

For some reason this makes me cry, yes as I type this I'm getting all flustered. It's amazing how hard this recovery is. This really is a disease, a sickness, an addiction. It's a state of mind, a BAD habit that I've been practicing for lord how many years now? 23-14 = 9. Almost 10 years.

Yes please note my birthday is January 9, I like roses and football. Thanks.

I have come so far.

I have discovered I'm angry and why.

I have found out I'm not alone in the crazy things I do to keep this disease alive.

I have people now that know what I'm going through and really understand.

I have the tools to overcome this and my God it's happening so slowly but it's happening.

I have also found God. My God. I'm not sure about religion and the bible (should that be capitalized? haha) and all that but now I know I'm not in charge. He is. When I can't handle things, when I'm lost, feel alone, disheartened there is sometimes an automatic reaction to turn to my higher power instead of abusive behaviors. It's not a habit yet, but it's getting there.

I don't know how to describe the little miracles that have happened in my life, or how I describe where my faith is coming from but I'll try.

This is lame. kind of. so laugh if you like. shoot I am...

You know that catchy song...Without You? By David Guetta and Usher (URSHER baby.). Well I don't think of a dude when I think of that (however it'd be NICE to have someone feel that way about me) I think of God.

I can't win, I can't reign
I will never win this game
Without you, without you

I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you

I won't run, I won't fly
I will never make it by
Without you, without you

I can't rest, I can't fight
All I need is you and I

So since I began thinking of that song in terms of faith...it plays at the most epic moments. YES it's over played on the radio but it will come on my phone when it's on shuffle when I need an extra uh jolt of help?

Stuff's not so bueno right now and I was thinking when driving home this morning and BAM the song came on and I just lost it. I had goosebumps, my heart dropped, I felt like I was being held and everything would be ok. Now that I believe He is there I see Him everywhere. This is something that I am so thankful for.

Goes to show me (maybe you too) that my efforts are working and I can become a better person, with His guidance and my effort.

<3 have a SAFE Halloween.

Kris.

Punishment

Punishment. It sucks. Makes you feel small, makes you THINK ("Kristin LEIGH! go over in that corner and think about what you did wrong!" Ugh...THANKS MOM.) makes you put your doggone tail between your legs (har har get it doggone and tail because of dogs?), it makes you regret what you've done.

Ok you get it. It sucks.

I realized ... while thinking of WHO ELSE but myself and jamming around my room to Paper Diamond. <iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/7tsYE57UnqE" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen>iframe>

... oh um sidetracked...I realized that...

I've been punishing myself most of my life. Long story short: I never liked me. Which means I didn't like my life. Which in turn means I felt that my actions were wrong, that I was committing crimes, I didn't accept myself because I wasn't good enough. AND WHAT DO BAD PEOPLE GET?

PUNISHMENT!

I would over exercise to hurt my bad body for eating too much, for not being thin enough, for having that old dude check me out in shorts.
I would overeat because I wanted to stuff my fat face with what it deserved.
I would throw it up because I wanted to hurt my body for what it had done, how dare it! How dare it eat and ruin my starvation regimen?!
I would talk down to myself because I deserved it. What a pathetic stupid self centered person I was...and I thought I deserved to have confidence? To have friends? Guys like me? A chance at a better job? Who the fuck was I kidding?
I would go for guys who didn't give me the time of day, they fed my negativity, gave me a reason to hold onto my disease. "See look, I told you, you're not hot enough, funny enough, sexy enough, charming enough for him ... he doesn't like you for a good reason ... "

As a result of this I have let the disease take over most of my life and led me to believe I don't get to go out on a "school night" I have to work out. I don't look good enough to go shopping. I can't eat that brownie...etc

I crave attention and approval from everyone and everything because it's something I wont give myself.
I'm too busy punishing me.

WELL NOT ANY DAMN MORE. It's so hard to let go, to tell that bitch in my head to shut up. But with my Higher Power's help I'm doing it.

Nothing is in my hands anymore. It's in His. I'm asking him to take over and not the disease. I'm asking for guidance, to think outside of myself, to no longer cater to this person that's resided inside me for so long.

The Serenity Prayer never gets old.

Thanks for reading, night.

Kris.

I'm Good at Taking Pictures

I am proud of my amature photography skills ... taken on my camera phone haha
These were taken next to Maltby Cafe in well Maltby area haha
So here you go. Enjoy.

I Need a Leap or um SHOVE of Faith.

Listening to this non stop...


So I kind of forget God, or my higher power, is there.
It's nice to remember, comforting, like OH YEAH!
Like when you hear it's Friday and you thought it was Thursday.
...ya it's a good feeling.

Ever since I started believing in a power greater than myself I turn my problems over to them-or well I try to. It's much easier said than done. I mean if it was a physical thing like if I could hold my anxiety, insecurities, and anger in a jar and hand it over to someone and be free of it...that'd be cool.

So my issue is with trust.

I have one hand free trying to reach Him, let go of what I have that's holding me down...while the other is clinging for dear life to my disease. I wrote in circles about this earlier trying to reason with myself. HA like that's going to happen.

Anorexics have a fear of getting fat, (obviously) but a real true fear of it. Like there's not many worse things that can happen to me.

When I was really sick I would construct my life, habits, thoughts around this, it's getting better but it's been a 'bad habit' for 9 years now. It never occurred to me that I'd have to stop being afraid of foods and fat to live normally until I started reading Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous.

They're telling me if I eat what's put in front of me (with in reason) and only that or as much as that I will not get fat. They're telling me that rice is ok, that reduced fat cheese or a burger once in a while will not make me 200 lbs, they are telling me I don't have to do 1 hour of cardio after a night in Fremont, that I can lay on the couch when on the phone instead of walk...etc

That I can and need to let go of these habits that comfort me and make me feel like everything is ok. But in order to do that I need to trust that He knows what's best.

BUT WHAT IF I DO GET FAT? WHAT IF I LOSE CONTROL? What if I do gain 10 pounds even? Do you realize what will happen to me? Do you realize how awful that is? No one will talk to me. I will be ugly. Unhappy. Miserable. A loser.

Oh wait if I lose control...haven't I already lost control? Doesn't my disease have a hold on me? It's grip is so tight that I can't chose what I want to eat, if I exercise for hours on end, if I clearly see the person staring back at me, if I'm happy. It does.

So I got to keep saying it.

God I can't handle this. I need help. I cannot do this on will power alone. Maybe if I keep saying it it will come true.

<3 Kris.

What I Learned in Church on Sunday

Oh hi.

No I'm not dead.
And since you're reading this neither are you.

I just got this thing called a job ... and it's put a damper in my motivation to write. I have had tons of great ideas and "oh I should blog about this" moments but nope the actual action of doing that is just not happenin.

Until right now of course. I've got on and I'm in the zone.









I took these the other day and wanted to share them with you. They have nothing to do with anything.

... except my love for flowers.


So Sunday. I didn't want to go. Nope. Negative. Eh uh. I was embarrassed ... anxious ... wanted to run and hide. Durr da durr...you can't hide from God.

So I walked into that bright lovely church and saw that no one was singing yet. Since when am I EARLY to church? So I went to the bathroom rehearsing what I would say when everyone in the church stared at me and my yoga pants and told me how horrible I was for not coming for a month and that I am a bad person and that I don't belong.

I didn't get very far into my practice reply to them because SOMETHING CAME OVER ME ... I went and said hello to one of my friends. Um what are you doing Kristin? My eyes wandered to where my friend was sitting and a smile came on my face and my body turned and moved in her direction ... next thing I know I'm cracking up and being social and like happy and shit like that.

...

See my point and how ridiculous my thoughts are?

So after God was like hey chill out and I was like ok I sat back down and totally enjoyed myself.

So the new interim pastor Rev Hallack is the bees knees. I like him. He had us pray for willingness ... to be open to God's word and way ... to see the light ... to not get bogged down by the dark and the evil and the worry.

Well that's appropriate isn't it?

I learned that God helps take our worry away. Worrying is like putting a magnified glass on an issue. The more you focus on that sucker the bigger it's going to get. However when you take the focus off of that and onto God baddabingbaddaboom problem gets smaller.

I never really looked at it that simply.

It's nice that I can now.

Also something that stood out to me was during confession my mind was blank...
I had all these issues and was so scared to come back to church because I've been um bad and as soon as it's time to list all those bad boys off I think about what I'm going to eat for lunch. Cool Kristin. Cool.

Funny how you can condemn yourself and worry so much and analyse everything that's wrong with you but then once it comes time to deal with it I fail.

Working on that.

So anyway...that's it.

More to come.

Just take life a day at a time because that's really all you're guaranteed.

<3