Yesterday was amazing.
It was a peek at what my life can be like in sobriety.
When I’m healthy. Being defined as when I’m not in the food or in the booze.
I think I want to have another one just like it.
Yes that's sarcasm.ish.
I want god to know how much I appreciate it.
For some strange reason I was just happy, optimistic, wanted to be goofy, laugh. I didn’t have a negative outlook on the day or people.
And I’m realizing that’s what I do. I don’t trust people to be nice to me, to do things for me, why should they? Why would they? I guess I don’t feel I deserve it. My low self esteem is really messing things up for me. I think about how I’d like to live right on the beach in a cottage house. My dream job is to be a reporter about good stuff, charities, happy endings and things in my community. I think of it as a dream and only a dream. I already admit defeat before I even try. That’s really sad.
I was looking through pictures from September 2010 until now at like 2 am this morning. In so many of those photos I remember an event where I had too much to drink or not even that, but just something to drink and I had a feeling of remorse, anger, just a bad connotation with it. I ruin events for myself while in the food (meaning that's all I was thinking about) and in the alcohol.
My sobriety is (again learning curve here) SLOWLY becoming the most important thing to me. Being out of my head and those habits gives a chance for me and God's will to come through. And my gosh it is so easy once I realize it. Turn it over to him, I can't handle my life my habits my anger on my own so I can ask for help.
I just need to keep working to have this clarity and understanding of myself all the time.
And let me tell you ... it is so amazing to be able to see these gifts and automatically want to turn around and thank God for them.
It’s sticking. I’m learning. I really am changing for the better.
I'm blogging about this because I want to tell you inspire you share with you this realization.
I want this light, this happiness, this serenity I feel to spread. I don’t remember what I was like before. I just think of my past as dark, confused, angry, bitter, lost.
Thinking about high school all I remember was feeling inadequate. Always looking for someone to boost me up give me confidence, I had confidence around those who were younger than me so I hung out with them. My grade, my year, I didn’t think I was anything/anyone special. I was there, I remember always wondering what people thought of me, how they saw me, who was I to them? I wasn’t the best at anything, I didn’t stand out, I felt as though I didn’t matter. How sad. High school could have been so fun. I loved going to the games and the spirit and sense of community. I loved my volleyball team and the girls and that sense of belonging…but then the fact that I sat on the bench the entire time ruined it. I sadly, remember my main goal was to look hot on the bench. Haha no joke. I would wear more makeup than I did at school, curl my hair, hike that wonderful spandex up…because I didn’t have an identity or confidence in my skills (since obviously I wasn’t good enough o play) so I needed to be good at something. I could control my weight looks and makeup.
I think this has a lot to do with why I had/have an eating disorder.
I was just lost. Not knowing who I was on the inside, not liking who I was on the inside, so I tried to control and fix what I could elsewhere. That’s why I got good grades and that’s why I was so obsessed with my weight and looks. It’s such a waste now that I look at it, but remorse oh remorse you will not get me! Screw you regret. I’m learning from it now. I’m trying to at least.
The other thing that just really hurt in high school was the pranks that were pulled on me. I’m crying now because I can still feel that pain of not understanding what was wrong with me, why people did these things to me. It started with a bag of shit on my door step Freshman year. Then some one spray painted that I was a whore in my lawn when I was 16. People put signs all over it a couple times. My house was tpd and egged and forked. On the first day of senior year my car had the words “beer slut” “whore” “stupid” “blonde” “easy” written all over it. I was so excited for my senior year to start and THAT’S WHAT I WOKE UP TO. My house was paintballed by people I thought were my friends and after my parents freaked out those friends were saying I was a bitch for telling my parents who had done it.
I would stay up late at night on weekends thinking every car I heard every yell was another person that was going to tag my house. I’m not being dramatic, just honest. When my prom date asked me senior year he came late at night. I thought it was another uhhh hater if you will trying to do something else. Him asking me to prom was definitely a pleasant surprise.
I also remember how harsh words of people on the internet. I asked for it by posting sob stories and my feelings for everyone to read…but one of my best friends was secretly commenting calling me fat and ugly. Anyway this is a rant that’s going nowhere.
Back to the good stuff…
It seems weird but I didn’t understand when people would just go to each others houses after school. I wanted to isolate. I wanted my food and my alone time. I wanted to work out and my alone time. I wanted to sleep because it took time from being awake and present in my life.
After 8 months in program and letting God in my life I am seeing how much time I have when I’m not focused on those things and myself. I see and feel the joy helping/being/thinking of others can bring.
Happy Memorial Day...take a second to remember why you're here reading this instead of at work.
<3 Kris.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
What I Learned in Church 2 Days Ago
I learned that I should BE-hold BE-loved BE-Presbyterian (still can’t spell it first try) BE-FRIEND and BE-cause.
BEFRIEND was in all caps because that was the big winner this Sunday.
Winner … reminds me of wiener hahaha Oh maturity.
So let’s set the stage: I am in church with my mom. YAY MOM! I was so happy to have her join me this Sunday. So mom and me … me and mom … mom and I (ha there’s the journalism degree kickin in) came in to church last minute because we both had to pee beforehand (it’s a girl thing). We go in sit down and yay church right? I’m ready to go … I haven’t been in this wonderful place in three weeks! I’ve got my pen out ready to write and learn and listen to God and relay the message to you all and I hear …
Helga (think Hey Arnold!) like breathing in my ear…Shoot I even felt it on me…surrounding me…ANNOYING ME. I whip my head around (because I have no tact) and glare at the loud graphic breather.
It’s a 10-year-old girl.
Man I’m a bitch. Great. Poor thing can’t breathe and I can’t peacefully have my much needed church time.
We have the Call to Worship and Singing Praise all the while this girl is annoying the heck out of me … a few more glances back I find that she is not alone.. she has a 7? Year-old brother who doesn’t know what an “inside voice” is yet and another 13? Year-old sister who I think is allergic to the world. And right in the middle is dad. I know this because he just became a member of the church and got to go up there with him and his noisy band of kids to be honored. GREAT. Now I’m a reallllll meanie head if I say anything.
As I try to ignore the son kicking my pew (hahahaha that sounds funny) I listen to the sermon.
The main theme of my lesson this Sunday is that I realized I want church and God to solve my problems. I have now discovered him and I want Him to make my life better. So please Lord, if you could, get me a job that pays well enough, in a place I like, with people I get along with, where I can make a difference oh and that has a view…that’d be great too. Oh and while you’re at it can you just let me forget all my insecurities I have about myself, my body and food? Just let me be normal.
Thanks. No really from the bottom of my heart…thank you.
Easy peasy right? (WHY did I say that? I never say that…anyway)
I wanted the sermon to be about me, to relate to my life exactly and show me the answer. I started thinking God you are really great at hitting me on the head with the important stuff in church so go ahead and do it. Hmmm umm none of what Pastor Paul is saying relates to me hmm I guess this time we just missed each other.
WAS I WRONG. Again.
God came through. He had me realize that this is exactly my thought process and how wrong I am to think that I’m the only messed up person in this church. These people that sit next to me every Sunday and those who go to church around the world and those who don’t ALL NEED HELP TOO. They are not perfect and go to church because they are so perfect they go because they need reminders that IF WE REPENT AND ASK FOR MERCY FOR FORGIVENESS HE WILL RESTORE US! He will cleanse us, sustain us, he never leaves us.
We are all human, we are one, and we are all flawed. Is it sad that that fact comforts me?
All he requires of us is to live in His light, to walk humbly with Him and do our best to do what He wants.
And one of those things that he wants is to us to BEFRIEND those in need. I was so stuck on myself thinking boohoo my life is not so grand (more to come on WHY that is later) and that I need a friend. I need a break. I need someone to hold me and to tell me it’s going to be ok. But no we have to befriend the friendless.
There are people in worse situations than I. There are people that need someone to hold them and tell them it’s going to be ok and that they are not alone. And IF I DO THAT I IN TURN GET A FRIEND.
It’s not a one-way road! You can’t hug someone without getting one back (ok well you can and man are those situations awkward and uncomfortable) but I think you get what I’m saying.
It’s so simple, I have gotten in the way once again of Him and what’s best for me. My brizzzzzain has done too much thinking. I’ve tried so hard to be perfect, to work on making myself a better, healthier, employed person that I’ve just overworked it.
I need to sit back and do God’s wishes … I need to focus on helping others which will in turn help myself … get myself outside of my head.
Oh really I love writing these, they make everything make sense, until I go back and reread what I wrote about 3432.3 times and think WTF was I thinking? Is anyone going to understand this? Haha But I like this calming slash excited effect writing gives me.
Anyway. That’s it. So tomorrow if you see someone in need (it may just be getting a door for someone or letting someone sit in your seat on the bus) just help them out. Be a friend.
What is this Sesame Street? Ok but seriously...just do it...like Nike. This is getting old. Not sure how to end this ok bye.
<3 Kris.
BEFRIEND was in all caps because that was the big winner this Sunday.
Winner … reminds me of wiener hahaha Oh maturity.
So let’s set the stage: I am in church with my mom. YAY MOM! I was so happy to have her join me this Sunday. So mom and me … me and mom … mom and I (ha there’s the journalism degree kickin in) came in to church last minute because we both had to pee beforehand (it’s a girl thing). We go in sit down and yay church right? I’m ready to go … I haven’t been in this wonderful place in three weeks! I’ve got my pen out ready to write and learn and listen to God and relay the message to you all and I hear …
Helga (think Hey Arnold!) like breathing in my ear…Shoot I even felt it on me…surrounding me…ANNOYING ME. I whip my head around (because I have no tact) and glare at the loud graphic breather.
It’s a 10-year-old girl.
Man I’m a bitch. Great. Poor thing can’t breathe and I can’t peacefully have my much needed church time.
We have the Call to Worship and Singing Praise all the while this girl is annoying the heck out of me … a few more glances back I find that she is not alone.. she has a 7? Year-old brother who doesn’t know what an “inside voice” is yet and another 13? Year-old sister who I think is allergic to the world. And right in the middle is dad. I know this because he just became a member of the church and got to go up there with him and his noisy band of kids to be honored. GREAT. Now I’m a reallllll meanie head if I say anything.
As I try to ignore the son kicking my pew (hahahaha that sounds funny) I listen to the sermon.
The main theme of my lesson this Sunday is that I realized I want church and God to solve my problems. I have now discovered him and I want Him to make my life better. So please Lord, if you could, get me a job that pays well enough, in a place I like, with people I get along with, where I can make a difference oh and that has a view…that’d be great too. Oh and while you’re at it can you just let me forget all my insecurities I have about myself, my body and food? Just let me be normal.
Thanks. No really from the bottom of my heart…thank you.
Easy peasy right? (WHY did I say that? I never say that…anyway)
I wanted the sermon to be about me, to relate to my life exactly and show me the answer. I started thinking God you are really great at hitting me on the head with the important stuff in church so go ahead and do it. Hmmm umm none of what Pastor Paul is saying relates to me hmm I guess this time we just missed each other.
WAS I WRONG. Again.
God came through. He had me realize that this is exactly my thought process and how wrong I am to think that I’m the only messed up person in this church. These people that sit next to me every Sunday and those who go to church around the world and those who don’t ALL NEED HELP TOO. They are not perfect and go to church because they are so perfect they go because they need reminders that IF WE REPENT AND ASK FOR MERCY FOR FORGIVENESS HE WILL RESTORE US! He will cleanse us, sustain us, he never leaves us.
We are all human, we are one, and we are all flawed. Is it sad that that fact comforts me?
All he requires of us is to live in His light, to walk humbly with Him and do our best to do what He wants.
And one of those things that he wants is to us to BEFRIEND those in need. I was so stuck on myself thinking boohoo my life is not so grand (more to come on WHY that is later) and that I need a friend. I need a break. I need someone to hold me and to tell me it’s going to be ok. But no we have to befriend the friendless.
There are people in worse situations than I. There are people that need someone to hold them and tell them it’s going to be ok and that they are not alone. And IF I DO THAT I IN TURN GET A FRIEND.
It’s not a one-way road! You can’t hug someone without getting one back (ok well you can and man are those situations awkward and uncomfortable) but I think you get what I’m saying.
It’s so simple, I have gotten in the way once again of Him and what’s best for me. My brizzzzzain has done too much thinking. I’ve tried so hard to be perfect, to work on making myself a better, healthier, employed person that I’ve just overworked it.
I need to sit back and do God’s wishes … I need to focus on helping others which will in turn help myself … get myself outside of my head.
Oh really I love writing these, they make everything make sense, until I go back and reread what I wrote about 3432.3 times and think WTF was I thinking? Is anyone going to understand this? Haha But I like this calming slash excited effect writing gives me.
Anyway. That’s it. So tomorrow if you see someone in need (it may just be getting a door for someone or letting someone sit in your seat on the bus) just help them out. Be a friend.
What is this Sesame Street? Ok but seriously...just do it...like Nike. This is getting old. Not sure how to end this ok bye.
<3 Kris.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
It's 1:32 am and ...
...my eyes stay closed ... my breathing is slow but my mind races. Images-ideas-hopes-wishes-relationships-fantasies feel real even thought I'm only experiencing them behind my closed eyes. My thoughts, bright and fast-paced, are a harsh contrast to the pitch black of my room. I can't tell reality from fiction here in this state of mind.
My pillow is smooth and cold, my mattress contours to my body and my blankets reek the comforts of home. I should be at peace. But within my still body rushes worry and frustration. My seemingly exhausted body is deceiving.
As I lay there I can't stop THINKING ... about jobs ... again.
I've ranted about this once and well here goes again....because the past two weeks I haven't gone to sleep before 1 am unless intoxicated ... ha ha.
Lately my nightly epiphanies of how to solve all my problems include : joining a branch of the military, moving to Bellingham, moving in with my Granny in Florida,as well as up and going abroad (BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE REALLY COOL)...etc.
I have contacted every contact and networked with every uhh networking uhh person I can. Telling them a short bit about myself and my resume hoping to somehow show them (hopefully successfully) my passion and DESPERATION for employment in a professional manner.
CHA RIGHT.
So since I last ranted I have done some things and realized others.
HERE'S WHAT THEY ARE :
I needed to make a list of what I wanted in a job ... everyday working conditions to what I want from the job etc and another list of what I don't want.
Example:
I DON'T WANT TO BE A FRONT DESK GIRL EVER AGAIN.
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO ASK SOMEONE IF I CAN LEAVE THE DESK TO PEE.
I DO want to have a writing position.
I DO want to be able to wear leggings to work.
etc.
The other thing I had to do was :
GET MY HEAD OUT OF MY ASS.
If you haven't done so do it immediately.
It feels great.
Please realize that you are not the only one looking for a career, a job, a way to pay your bills ... you are not the only person who deserves to earn a decent pay doing what they went to school for ... you are not the only person who has networked just as hard as you have ... you are not the only person who didn't land a job out of college ... you are not the only person trying on a daily basis to get a job ...
Oh excuse me it sounded as though I was talking to you ... I was STERNLY REMINDING MYSELF of all the above because I just realized before writing this that I am so pig headed.
MY GOSH. Did I really think I was the only one who rewrites their resume everyday? The only one who has parents on them to start paying rent because they are still living at home a year after graduating? The only one who knows they are much smarter than the position they are in? Etc.
And another thing, KRISTIN LEIGH (once again talking to myself), what do you do when you get home? OnDemand Real Housewives of NY? Then see if there's a new Community? Or do you head straight to the computer and get to crackin on this so called career you deserve? I'm pretty damn sure you live in your UW Snuggie (LOVE THAT THING) with your afternoon snack and veg out for an hour or two. So yes...you really could be trying harder.
Lastly, most importantly, I realized I am lacking faith.
Since I am no longer in charge or my life or running the show as they say ... I don't have to worry. I can turn it over to Him. I can say God...I can't handle this...I need your help.
WOW is that easier said than done.
But it's not like I can sit back and wait for the job to come to me. So how do I balance having faith and not being uhh lazy? ... to answer my own question ... since well I am talking to myself and am the only on here ATM ... I just have to keep working...ACTING...but not thinking. THINKING IS NOT A TOOL. When has worrying gotten you anywhere (now I'm addressing you)? When has stressing when you're late for something ever made you get there faster? Besides acting like a total ass-hole on the road you've accomplished nothing to get to your goal.
So tonight I'm going to watch Despicable Me before bed ... and NOT read my getting back to work tip book. I'm going to put happy ridiculous comforting thoughts into my head and ponder those before falling asleep. Because, shit. When I'm awake is when I should be acting and putting in all this effort. Not when I'm in bed. That's sleeping time and that's just SWHAT-IM-GON-DO.
And that's tonight's post. Hope it sparked something in you or helped calm you down or evoked some kind of reaction out of you because well that's my goal :)
<3 ... oh PS I was listening to this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WL9rn948eps&NR=1&feature=fvwp while writing.
Kris.
My pillow is smooth and cold, my mattress contours to my body and my blankets reek the comforts of home. I should be at peace. But within my still body rushes worry and frustration. My seemingly exhausted body is deceiving.
As I lay there I can't stop THINKING ... about jobs ... again.
I've ranted about this once and well here goes again....because the past two weeks I haven't gone to sleep before 1 am unless intoxicated ... ha ha.
Lately my nightly epiphanies of how to solve all my problems include : joining a branch of the military, moving to Bellingham, moving in with my Granny in Florida,as well as up and going abroad (BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE REALLY COOL)...etc.
I have contacted every contact and networked with every uhh networking uhh person I can. Telling them a short bit about myself and my resume hoping to somehow show them (hopefully successfully) my passion and DESPERATION for employment in a professional manner.
CHA RIGHT.
So since I last ranted I have done some things and realized others.
HERE'S WHAT THEY ARE :
I needed to make a list of what I wanted in a job ... everyday working conditions to what I want from the job etc and another list of what I don't want.
Example:
I DON'T WANT TO BE A FRONT DESK GIRL EVER AGAIN.
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO ASK SOMEONE IF I CAN LEAVE THE DESK TO PEE.
I DO want to have a writing position.
I DO want to be able to wear leggings to work.
etc.
The other thing I had to do was :
GET MY HEAD OUT OF MY ASS.
If you haven't done so do it immediately.
It feels great.
Please realize that you are not the only one looking for a career, a job, a way to pay your bills ... you are not the only person who deserves to earn a decent pay doing what they went to school for ... you are not the only person who has networked just as hard as you have ... you are not the only person who didn't land a job out of college ... you are not the only person trying on a daily basis to get a job ...
Oh excuse me it sounded as though I was talking to you ... I was STERNLY REMINDING MYSELF of all the above because I just realized before writing this that I am so pig headed.
MY GOSH. Did I really think I was the only one who rewrites their resume everyday? The only one who has parents on them to start paying rent because they are still living at home a year after graduating? The only one who knows they are much smarter than the position they are in? Etc.
And another thing, KRISTIN LEIGH (once again talking to myself), what do you do when you get home? OnDemand Real Housewives of NY? Then see if there's a new Community? Or do you head straight to the computer and get to crackin on this so called career you deserve? I'm pretty damn sure you live in your UW Snuggie (LOVE THAT THING) with your afternoon snack and veg out for an hour or two. So yes...you really could be trying harder.
Lastly, most importantly, I realized I am lacking faith.
Since I am no longer in charge or my life or running the show as they say ... I don't have to worry. I can turn it over to Him. I can say God...I can't handle this...I need your help.
WOW is that easier said than done.
But it's not like I can sit back and wait for the job to come to me. So how do I balance having faith and not being uhh lazy? ... to answer my own question ... since well I am talking to myself and am the only on here ATM ... I just have to keep working...ACTING...but not thinking. THINKING IS NOT A TOOL. When has worrying gotten you anywhere (now I'm addressing you)? When has stressing when you're late for something ever made you get there faster? Besides acting like a total ass-hole on the road you've accomplished nothing to get to your goal.
So tonight I'm going to watch Despicable Me before bed ... and NOT read my getting back to work tip book. I'm going to put happy ridiculous comforting thoughts into my head and ponder those before falling asleep. Because, shit. When I'm awake is when I should be acting and putting in all this effort. Not when I'm in bed. That's sleeping time and that's just SWHAT-IM-GON-DO.
And that's tonight's post. Hope it sparked something in you or helped calm you down or evoked some kind of reaction out of you because well that's my goal :)
<3 ... oh PS I was listening to this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WL9rn948eps&NR=1&feature=fvwp while writing.
Kris.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Like a Bowl Full of Jelly.
"He had a broad face and a little round belly, that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly."
Oh Santa.
Anyway I just really wanted to title this post that so HA. Anyway...
Today at work (I'm a receptionist) I decided to have a can of Sprite Zero. I have had ONE diet soda since I gave the crap up for Lent ... however long ago that was ... making this bubbly beverage my second.
I'm not very lady like in terms of my manners (sorry guys ... and Grandma). However, I was trying to be, considering I met the women I work with a week ago and that my "office" is gigantic lobby with amazing echo capabilities.
Never the less when asked if I wouldn't mind going to the copier I replied with a BELCH (oh that word is so graphic sounding but so appropriate).
*AWKWARD SILENCE*
Followed by laughter. The kind of laughter that is timid at first until you see others laughing too ... which just encourages it to become a part of your entire body. The kind that leaves a smile permanently on your face. The kind that after a minute you forget why you were laughing but you can't stop. The kind that fills your body up with undeniable happiness making you forget your problems, living just in that moment of joy. The kind that makes you sigh at the end, still smiling to yourself.
I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard. Nor did I realize how foreign that feeling had become to me. It's not like I'm insanely depressed or anything ... it just felt so good to have such a genuine reaction to something...it was such an innocent involuntary action.
And it doesn't stop there.
My mom sent me this picture after the Sprite Zero incident.
Her text read "Our Bromeliad's blossom is hatching."
I replied "it looks like a weewee."
I burst out laughing once again. My maturity in terms of certain things is lacking (again sorry guys and Grandma).
The fact that it kind of sort of looks like a penis and that I typed the word "weewee" (and YES I am laughing now typing this) made me crack up.
Again in voluntarily for the most part and uncontrollably.
I called my mom and we cracked up at our ridiculousness for a minute or two ... I composed myself and went back to work.
Something so stupid and so simple brought momentary happiness and simplicity to both our lives. Laughter is so powerful.
An hour after this I our reception phone rang.
A guy was lost trying to find our building.
I suck at directions ... so I gladly helped him.
PLEASE NOTE MY SARCASM.
While on the phone he told me that he had already missed the exit once, was late for an important meeting and had spilled his coffee on himself in the process of trying to find us.
And he was cracking up the entire time.
Me-"Do you see the Subway and Starbucks?"
Him-"I am sitting at a light...I think there's a movie theater...no wait that's a store...now I'm driving...I just passed 112th on my left is that right? .... I swear I was just here...oh wait I'm about to drive on the wrong side of the road...."
ETC
He finally found the building (after getting turned around yet again in the parking garage). Instead of being a huge jerk to me (which after my awful directions he totally could be justified in doing) he wrote me a kudos card. He said he'd never enjoyed being lost before. He had an infectious smile and a laugh to go with it.
This stranger, myself and my coworker (all of whom are pretty much strangers) were able to share in this simple moment because we all could laugh at ourselves.
The gentleman was so lighthearted, kind, easygoing despite everything he had just gone through...I decided today that's an incredibly attractive and good trait to have.
Anyway I think you see what I'm getting at.
"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people." - Victor Borge
And today it was my best medicine. Hope this made you smile too.
Kris.
Oh Santa.
Anyway I just really wanted to title this post that so HA. Anyway...
Today at work (I'm a receptionist) I decided to have a can of Sprite Zero. I have had ONE diet soda since I gave the crap up for Lent ... however long ago that was ... making this bubbly beverage my second.
I'm not very lady like in terms of my manners (sorry guys ... and Grandma). However, I was trying to be, considering I met the women I work with a week ago and that my "office" is gigantic lobby with amazing echo capabilities.
Never the less when asked if I wouldn't mind going to the copier I replied with a BELCH (oh that word is so graphic sounding but so appropriate).
*AWKWARD SILENCE*
Followed by laughter. The kind of laughter that is timid at first until you see others laughing too ... which just encourages it to become a part of your entire body. The kind that leaves a smile permanently on your face. The kind that after a minute you forget why you were laughing but you can't stop. The kind that fills your body up with undeniable happiness making you forget your problems, living just in that moment of joy. The kind that makes you sigh at the end, still smiling to yourself.
I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard. Nor did I realize how foreign that feeling had become to me. It's not like I'm insanely depressed or anything ... it just felt so good to have such a genuine reaction to something...it was such an innocent involuntary action.
And it doesn't stop there.
My mom sent me this picture after the Sprite Zero incident.
Her text read "Our Bromeliad's blossom is hatching."
I replied "it looks like a weewee."
I burst out laughing once again. My maturity in terms of certain things is lacking (again sorry guys and Grandma).
The fact that it kind of sort of looks like a penis and that I typed the word "weewee" (and YES I am laughing now typing this) made me crack up.
Again in voluntarily for the most part and uncontrollably.
I called my mom and we cracked up at our ridiculousness for a minute or two ... I composed myself and went back to work.
Something so stupid and so simple brought momentary happiness and simplicity to both our lives. Laughter is so powerful.
An hour after this I our reception phone rang.
A guy was lost trying to find our building.
I suck at directions ... so I gladly helped him.
PLEASE NOTE MY SARCASM.
While on the phone he told me that he had already missed the exit once, was late for an important meeting and had spilled his coffee on himself in the process of trying to find us.
And he was cracking up the entire time.
Me-"Do you see the Subway and Starbucks?"
Him-"I am sitting at a light...I think there's a movie theater...no wait that's a store...now I'm driving...I just passed 112th on my left is that right? .... I swear I was just here...oh wait I'm about to drive on the wrong side of the road...."
ETC
He finally found the building (after getting turned around yet again in the parking garage). Instead of being a huge jerk to me (which after my awful directions he totally could be justified in doing) he wrote me a kudos card. He said he'd never enjoyed being lost before. He had an infectious smile and a laugh to go with it.
This stranger, myself and my coworker (all of whom are pretty much strangers) were able to share in this simple moment because we all could laugh at ourselves.
The gentleman was so lighthearted, kind, easygoing despite everything he had just gone through...I decided today that's an incredibly attractive and good trait to have.
Anyway I think you see what I'm getting at.
"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people." - Victor Borge
And today it was my best medicine. Hope this made you smile too.
Kris.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's Day Recap.
I don't know about you but when I wake up in the morning on a day like this ... there is excitement ... expectations ... a bit of tension in the air.
AND I LIKE IT.
Mothers' Day 2011=GREAT SUCCESS.
This morning I went to the gym to run off my I'MABITCHCRANKYCRABMEANGIRLINTHEMORNING mood. YAY endorphins!
(I also asked God to give me inspiration throughout today. I asked Him to help me focus on others and remove any dishonest, self-pitying or self-seeking motives from my thoughts. Which is what I ask for everyday but today is especially important.)
My mom had a list of what she wanted for breakfast.
Orange sweet rolls, cheesy scrambled eggs, sausage, coffee, fruit salad.
This is my nightmare.
Having yummy smelling tasting looking fatty food in front of my face is really just torture. My mind goes from "have some-no don't-but it's just this once-but then you'll feel bad-but you did work out-you can work out again-or just be normal-you're not normal" ETC
So I ended up deciding to make my own breakfast. That remorse and self condemnation I experienced after my last binge was less appetizing than the sweet rolls in front of me. ANYWAY.
My dad had to work the M's game so before he left I gave my mom her present.
Everyone knows that moms LOVE hand made stuff.
SCORE.
...it's a tip jar for those of you who can't read my amazing puffpaint words.
"Where's my tip?!" is my mom's favorite saying.
Next came VHS HOME VIDEOS ...
Highlight of the video = my mom rambling on about 8 month old Steven behind the camera lens, "Yesterday I turned my back for two seconds and he was drinking out of the cat's water."
Equally entertaining was my mom telling 2 year old me to curtsey. I go into a deep squat and pull up my dress.
YES.
Then we take a break from each other for an hour because well we're The Wilhelmy's not the Brady Bunch.
"KRISTIN WE'RE LEAVING!" - Oh! Shoot off to Molback's. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW THESE THINGS?!
Molback's for those of you who aren't cool enough to know ... is an amazing gardening store ... http://www.molbaks.com/
We went there today to find a plant that Steven and my mom could plant and one my mom and I could plant. AW! But no. It's never that easy in this family...
After some debating they found a winner...Jupiter's Beard...
After many distractions...
I found mine ... Just Joey Roses...
So fast forward to being back home and making dinner courtesy of me :)
Everyone was satisfied.
Mother's Day = GREAT SUCCESS.
Reflecting on today leaves me with nothing else to say other than I'm blessed.
ANNNNNNDDD. Eh that's it really. I don't have a big epiphany to share. I can say it's FANTASTICLYGREAT to know that I'm capable of forgetting that I have an eating disorder, I have a BA in Journalism and yet I'm a part time receptionist, I'm flat broke and I'm single.
Wow. It took some thought to think of depressing things about my life. Which aren't even that depressing. Talk about PROGRESS.
Anyway. I'll leave you with this...these waltzed into my building on Friday.
They are absolutely gorgeous.
And the mom who picked them up was absolutely beaming.
And it ABSOLUTELY blows my mind that I have friends who are moms and that one day ... hopefully ... I'll be one too :)
Kris.
AND I LIKE IT.
Mothers' Day 2011=GREAT SUCCESS.
This morning I went to the gym to run off my I'MABITCHCRANKYCRABMEANGIRLINTHEMORNING mood. YAY endorphins!
(I also asked God to give me inspiration throughout today. I asked Him to help me focus on others and remove any dishonest, self-pitying or self-seeking motives from my thoughts. Which is what I ask for everyday but today is especially important.)
My mom had a list of what she wanted for breakfast.
Orange sweet rolls, cheesy scrambled eggs, sausage, coffee, fruit salad.
This is my nightmare.
Having yummy smelling tasting looking fatty food in front of my face is really just torture. My mind goes from "have some-no don't-but it's just this once-but then you'll feel bad-but you did work out-you can work out again-or just be normal-you're not normal" ETC
So I ended up deciding to make my own breakfast. That remorse and self condemnation I experienced after my last binge was less appetizing than the sweet rolls in front of me. ANYWAY.
My dad had to work the M's game so before he left I gave my mom her present.
Everyone knows that moms LOVE hand made stuff.
SCORE.
...it's a tip jar for those of you who can't read my amazing puffpaint words.
"Where's my tip?!" is my mom's favorite saying.
Next came VHS HOME VIDEOS ...
Highlight of the video = my mom rambling on about 8 month old Steven behind the camera lens, "Yesterday I turned my back for two seconds and he was drinking out of the cat's water."
Equally entertaining was my mom telling 2 year old me to curtsey. I go into a deep squat and pull up my dress.
YES.
Then we take a break from each other for an hour because well we're The Wilhelmy's not the Brady Bunch.
"KRISTIN WE'RE LEAVING!" - Oh! Shoot off to Molback's. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW THESE THINGS?!
Molback's for those of you who aren't cool enough to know ... is an amazing gardening store ... http://www.molbaks.com/
We went there today to find a plant that Steven and my mom could plant and one my mom and I could plant. AW! But no. It's never that easy in this family...
After some debating they found a winner...Jupiter's Beard...
After many distractions...
I found mine ... Just Joey Roses...
So fast forward to being back home and making dinner courtesy of me :)
Everyone was satisfied.
Mother's Day = GREAT SUCCESS.
Reflecting on today leaves me with nothing else to say other than I'm blessed.
ANNNNNNDDD. Eh that's it really. I don't have a big epiphany to share. I can say it's FANTASTICLYGREAT to know that I'm capable of forgetting that I have an eating disorder, I have a BA in Journalism and yet I'm a part time receptionist, I'm flat broke and I'm single.
Wow. It took some thought to think of depressing things about my life. Which aren't even that depressing. Talk about PROGRESS.
Anyway. I'll leave you with this...these waltzed into my building on Friday.
They are absolutely gorgeous.
And the mom who picked them up was absolutely beaming.
And it ABSOLUTELY blows my mind that I have friends who are moms and that one day ... hopefully ... I'll be one too :)
Kris.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Grilled Chicken with Roasted Tomato and Oregano Salsa
Hey want to learn how to make this?
Yes. Ok. I lied. There is NO FRESH basil. 2 cloves of chopped garlic. OR Rosemary in sight. If you caught that good for you ... if not you're going to be fine because I will point out all my short comings in the EZ as pie (easy as eating pie not making it) recipe.
So I didn't have all the ingredients and as I was too lazy to go to the store I just added more oregano. Problem solved.
Those ingredients look like this ...
Yes. Ok. I lied. There is NO FRESH basil. 2 cloves of chopped garlic. OR Rosemary in sight. If you caught that good for you ... if not you're going to be fine because I will point out all my short comings in the EZ as pie (easy as eating pie not making it) recipe.
So I didn't have all the ingredients and as I was too lazy to go to the store I just added more oregano. Problem solved.
Here's what you'll need for the salsa.
Again I come up short. But I'm normal. I swear not everyone would want to cut up a pound of fresh tomatoes or even HAVE that many toms on hand. Come on now.
-So I used a can and a half of diced tomatoes...I reccomend draining them before hand...you'll see pictures as to why later. WAHWAHHHH.
-No shallot at all. (But if you're wondering WHAT a shallot even is ... like I myself was ... it's "A member of the onion family, but formed more like garlic than onions. Shallots are favored for their mild onion flavor, and can be used in the same manner as onions. A shallot looks like a small, elongated onion with a copper, reddish, or gray skin. When peeled, shallots separate into into cloves like garlic." Thank you kitchen Dictionary.
-I am anti jal op en os so I didn't use those guys. I'm hot enough on my own. BAhahaha
Other than that everything followed the recipe.
SWEET.
1. Put the first 8 ingredients in a plastic bag.
2. Add chicken and let those puppies (ewe um change that ... let the meat) marinate at least 30 minutes. (I did an entire day! Because I forgot I said I'd make dinner. HA whoops)
Onto the SALSA part of Grilled Chicken with Roasted Tomato and oregano Salsa
4. Heat oven to 400°F.
5. Cover a baking tray with foil.
6. Here's the instructions again just in case...
6. Spread tomatoes on tray; drizzle with oil. Add salt and pepper. Bake until lightly browned, 20 to 25 minutes.
This is why I said you should drain the tomatoes. And also why I wish I HAD drained the tomatoes. That's what I get for not chopping up a pound of these suckers myself.
7. Combine tomatoes, onion, garlic and oregano in a bowl.
8. Coat a large skillet with cooking spray.
9. Heat over medium-high heat.
10. Remove chicken from marinade; cook 5 minutes.
11. Reduce heat to medium-low, flip chicken and add leftover marinade to pan. Cook 5 minutes.
12. Reduce heat to low. Cover chicken; cook 10 minutes.
13. Divide among 4 plates; top each with 1/4 of the salsa. Serve immediately.
OR ELSE YOUR PARENTS WILL TAKE THE GOOD STUFF FIRST!
Just kidding. I like having my guests go first. I think it's like proper too or something.
I added couscous to this too and that is the easiest stuff to make if you do the box kind.
YAY EASY!
This is a very simple, easy (did I say easy?), tasty recipe...I really recommend you try it!
Maybe make it for your dad on Fathers' Day?
Hope your weekend was splendid <3 KRIS.
Yes. Ok. I lied. There is NO FRESH basil. 2 cloves of chopped garlic. OR Rosemary in sight. If you caught that good for you ... if not you're going to be fine because I will point out all my short comings in the EZ as pie (easy as eating pie not making it) recipe.
So I didn't have all the ingredients and as I was too lazy to go to the store I just added more oregano. Problem solved.
Those ingredients look like this ...
Yes. Ok. I lied. There is NO FRESH basil. 2 cloves of chopped garlic. OR Rosemary in sight. If you caught that good for you ... if not you're going to be fine because I will point out all my short comings in the EZ as pie (easy as eating pie not making it) recipe.
So I didn't have all the ingredients and as I was too lazy to go to the store I just added more oregano. Problem solved.
Here's what you'll need for the salsa.
Again I come up short. But I'm normal. I swear not everyone would want to cut up a pound of fresh tomatoes or even HAVE that many toms on hand. Come on now.
-So I used a can and a half of diced tomatoes...I reccomend draining them before hand...you'll see pictures as to why later. WAHWAHHHH.
-No shallot at all. (But if you're wondering WHAT a shallot even is ... like I myself was ... it's "A member of the onion family, but formed more like garlic than onions. Shallots are favored for their mild onion flavor, and can be used in the same manner as onions. A shallot looks like a small, elongated onion with a copper, reddish, or gray skin. When peeled, shallots separate into into cloves like garlic." Thank you kitchen Dictionary.
-I am anti jal op en os so I didn't use those guys. I'm hot enough on my own. BAhahaha
Other than that everything followed the recipe.
SWEET.
1. Put the first 8 ingredients in a plastic bag.
2. Add chicken and let those puppies (ewe um change that ... let the meat) marinate at least 30 minutes. (I did an entire day! Because I forgot I said I'd make dinner. HA whoops)
Onto the SALSA part of Grilled Chicken with Roasted Tomato and oregano Salsa
4. Heat oven to 400°F.
5. Cover a baking tray with foil.
6. Here's the instructions again just in case...
6. Spread tomatoes on tray; drizzle with oil. Add salt and pepper. Bake until lightly browned, 20 to 25 minutes.
This is why I said you should drain the tomatoes. And also why I wish I HAD drained the tomatoes. That's what I get for not chopping up a pound of these suckers myself.
7. Combine tomatoes, onion, garlic and oregano in a bowl.
8. Coat a large skillet with cooking spray.
9. Heat over medium-high heat.
10. Remove chicken from marinade; cook 5 minutes.
11. Reduce heat to medium-low, flip chicken and add leftover marinade to pan. Cook 5 minutes.
12. Reduce heat to low. Cover chicken; cook 10 minutes.
13. Divide among 4 plates; top each with 1/4 of the salsa. Serve immediately.
OR ELSE YOUR PARENTS WILL TAKE THE GOOD STUFF FIRST!
Just kidding. I like having my guests go first. I think it's like proper too or something.
I added couscous to this too and that is the easiest stuff to make if you do the box kind.
YAY EASY!
This is a very simple, easy (did I say easy?), tasty recipe...I really recommend you try it!
Maybe make it for your dad on Fathers' Day?
Hope your weekend was splendid <3 KRIS.
Monday, May 2, 2011
What I Learned in Church on Sunday
This Sunday I neglected to write because this super amazing coooool thing happened
...IT WAS SUNNY IN BOTHELL.
Now call me crazy but it is not supposed to do that in May.
...no wait...
Ha I'm funny. Anyway...I got myself a nice sun burn from weeding the front yard and cleaning out my beautiful car, Pearl.
Needless to say I was not sitting inside typing on this here laptop as I am doing now.
Now Easter is over and He has risen. YAY.
The new theme for church is the 5 words of hope and challenge for North Creek Saints.
Now, I have NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS. Because I was working out until the last possible second and arrived 8 minutes late to church...THIS brings me to what I learned in church on Sunday.
I AM SELFISH. incredibly. disgustingly. SELFISH.
Ahhh I do deeply care for my friends and family and would do anything for them however when I say SELFISH I mean that I do what I want because I want to.
I couldn't end my work out five minutes early to be on time for church because I FELT FAT. I do and have done many things in order to keep this disease alive and well. I would go on long walks before going out to dinner with my family because I couldn't stand the thought of my thighs being so stationary for so long let alone sitting there FEEDING MY FACE while I could be exercising.
When I'm at work and haven't checked my phone for a while and I see that I have 8 texts. First thing that pops into my head is "I hope they are not all from mom" ...haha but seriously ... I get annoyed. WHO is asking for my attention?! DON'T THEY KNOW HOW BUSY I AM?! So I send a one word answer back. Only to find out they are being really nice and wanted to invite me to dinner, wanted to say hi because THEY CARE ABOUT ME, etc. But nope my brat self just goes to how they are inconveniencing me.
The other day I was an HOUR AND A HALF LATE to a BBQ because I couldn't find anything to wear. Everything (and my gosh did I try on EVERYTHING ... jeans sweats leggings dresses ...) I put on was disgusting. I looked awful, I could see my flaws, faults and human failures and I cried. Sat in my damn room and cried. POOR ME. I have too many clothes to try on and too many options to make a decision about what to wear to a stinkin BBQ. (which btw no one cared what I looked like). I made my friends wait an hour and a half so I could have a fit over my looks. HOW RUDE IS THAT?!
I realized that I do these things and act this way because well...I'm getting away with it. There is no punishment for being late to church, my friends weren't waiting on me, my parents and I still went and had dinner ... etc. I do what I want when I want when I can get away with it.
AND TO ADD TO THIS MADNESS ... I feel sorry for myself that I am so whimpy.
Oh poor me...I have an eating disorder and hate myself and am struggling and wahwahbooFUCKINGwhoo Kristin.
Ah it is a freeing amazing feeling to realize how messed up I am BUT HOW I DON'T HAVE TO BE!
why am i using caps so much today?
So here's how I get my head out of my ass.
With help from this fine establishment.
AND.
I pause and think, which is easier because I have now become aware of my selfishness. You can't fix a problem you didn't know existed.
Pastor Paul talked about how God says HELLO to everyday. He greets each day with the same enthusiasm as he did the last. It would be incorrect to say that one day he didn't give as much umph as the last. Did the sun not rise the same as it did before? Did he fail to give birds their wings? Did he make your new nephew any less special than your neighbors new baby?
NO.
He is the creator of all things. He made each one of us, he didn't half ass some of us and give others more attention. We are all his creation and we are all unique. I can become less selfish if I refuse to waste each day, each gift I've been given on self pity.
We are blessed to be alive. It may not feel like it always but shoot dang pay attention! See all of the blessings we have today, instead of choosing to feel down or bad about what we don’t. Each flaw, problem, issue, emotion that we have and experience is thanks to the GIFT of life.
Now this kind of thinking isn't something that comes easy or natural to me, but with practice it most certainly makes life become easier and more natural to me.
PS National Day of Prayer is May 5.
Yes that is also Cinco de Mayo.
Just a fun fact for ya.
Kris.
...IT WAS SUNNY IN BOTHELL.
Now call me crazy but it is not supposed to do that in May.
...no wait...
Ha I'm funny. Anyway...I got myself a nice sun burn from weeding the front yard and cleaning out my beautiful car, Pearl.
Needless to say I was not sitting inside typing on this here laptop as I am doing now.
Now Easter is over and He has risen. YAY.
The new theme for church is the 5 words of hope and challenge for North Creek Saints.
Now, I have NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS. Because I was working out until the last possible second and arrived 8 minutes late to church...THIS brings me to what I learned in church on Sunday.
I AM SELFISH. incredibly. disgustingly. SELFISH.
Ahhh I do deeply care for my friends and family and would do anything for them however when I say SELFISH I mean that I do what I want because I want to.
I couldn't end my work out five minutes early to be on time for church because I FELT FAT. I do and have done many things in order to keep this disease alive and well. I would go on long walks before going out to dinner with my family because I couldn't stand the thought of my thighs being so stationary for so long let alone sitting there FEEDING MY FACE while I could be exercising.
When I'm at work and haven't checked my phone for a while and I see that I have 8 texts. First thing that pops into my head is "I hope they are not all from mom" ...haha but seriously ... I get annoyed. WHO is asking for my attention?! DON'T THEY KNOW HOW BUSY I AM?! So I send a one word answer back. Only to find out they are being really nice and wanted to invite me to dinner, wanted to say hi because THEY CARE ABOUT ME, etc. But nope my brat self just goes to how they are inconveniencing me.
The other day I was an HOUR AND A HALF LATE to a BBQ because I couldn't find anything to wear. Everything (and my gosh did I try on EVERYTHING ... jeans sweats leggings dresses ...) I put on was disgusting. I looked awful, I could see my flaws, faults and human failures and I cried. Sat in my damn room and cried. POOR ME. I have too many clothes to try on and too many options to make a decision about what to wear to a stinkin BBQ. (which btw no one cared what I looked like). I made my friends wait an hour and a half so I could have a fit over my looks. HOW RUDE IS THAT?!
I realized that I do these things and act this way because well...I'm getting away with it. There is no punishment for being late to church, my friends weren't waiting on me, my parents and I still went and had dinner ... etc. I do what I want when I want when I can get away with it.
AND TO ADD TO THIS MADNESS ... I feel sorry for myself that I am so whimpy.
Oh poor me...I have an eating disorder and hate myself and am struggling and wahwahbooFUCKINGwhoo Kristin.
Ah it is a freeing amazing feeling to realize how messed up I am BUT HOW I DON'T HAVE TO BE!
why am i using caps so much today?
So here's how I get my head out of my ass.
With help from this fine establishment.
AND.
I pause and think, which is easier because I have now become aware of my selfishness. You can't fix a problem you didn't know existed.
Pastor Paul talked about how God says HELLO to everyday. He greets each day with the same enthusiasm as he did the last. It would be incorrect to say that one day he didn't give as much umph as the last. Did the sun not rise the same as it did before? Did he fail to give birds their wings? Did he make your new nephew any less special than your neighbors new baby?
NO.
He is the creator of all things. He made each one of us, he didn't half ass some of us and give others more attention. We are all his creation and we are all unique. I can become less selfish if I refuse to waste each day, each gift I've been given on self pity.
We are blessed to be alive. It may not feel like it always but shoot dang pay attention! See all of the blessings we have today, instead of choosing to feel down or bad about what we don’t. Each flaw, problem, issue, emotion that we have and experience is thanks to the GIFT of life.
Now this kind of thinking isn't something that comes easy or natural to me, but with practice it most certainly makes life become easier and more natural to me.
PS National Day of Prayer is May 5.
Yes that is also Cinco de Mayo.
Just a fun fact for ya.
Kris.
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