They Call Me Mellow Yellow

No they don't. I just have that stuck in my head. Anyway...I wore a daisy yellow oversize sweatshirt to church on Sunday. Standing next to my two new church BFs (who are in their 70's and about 5 foot nothin') I felt a little out of place. I was huge, towering over everyone and wearing a sign that said "YES I JUST ROLLED OUT OF BED AND CAME HERE AND YES I PUT ON JUST A TAD BIT OF BRONZER IN ATTEMPT TO GET THE NATURAL LOOK BUT TOTALLY FAILED AND YES I KNOW MY ROOTS HAVE GROWN OUT AND NO I HAVE NOT WASHED MY HAIR IN 2, NO MAKE THAT 3, DAYS…" I got really mad, really fast and wanted nothing more than to push Betty Crocker aside and book it for the door. However that'd make MORE people look at me and my boots with mismatch legwarmers running through the pews. Then my sign would read "YES MY LEGWARMERS DON'T MATCH BUT IN THE DARK THEY DID AND I THOUGHT THEY'D GIVE ME THE 'I REALLY DIDN'T CARE AND I'M SO CAP HILL' LOOK BUT CREAM AND WHITE ARE TWO VERY DIFFERENT COLORS…." So there I was stuck, sure that EVERYONE was looking at me and hating me when I had a flashback. I was 10, wearing my super cool button-up silk shirt with matching silk butterfly skirt finished off with my iridescent purple lipstick and I was in church. I was standing next to two 70-year-old women wanting to run…no throw a tantrum…out of the church but I couldn't because that'd draw more attention to my giganticness. So I just got mad. I had had it up to here (I'm reaching very high with my right hand) with the "you're SO TALL" comments from my granny's friends. So I pretended that by glaring at everyone, especially this old dude at the front of the church (yes the pastor), I would make them feel the hate and uncomfortable feeling I had. I would make those old ladies with their white hair and Velcro tennis shoes regret that they kept pointing out how tall I was, how big I was, how DIFFERENT I was. And something clicked. (We are back in my church and with my lemony yellow 24 year old self) I realized my insecurities have always driven me away from God. Those early memories that I just spoke of made me hate church. I always thought God was against me and looked down upon me. When in reality we are totally like BFFs and he's got my back and he's the shit. In church this Sunday we read a story about a man who was obsessed by a demon. When Jesus showed up at his church the demon could sense it and started freaking out. The man began to yell during the sermon for Jesus to leave. This happened because such a holy presence was near and the once quiet, sneaky, sonofabitch got scared and needed to pull away from Jesus and his light. Jesus saw this demon and told him to leave, that he had no presence here, no power, and the evil was gone. Our pastor, Pastor James, told us to take whatever demon that we are obsessed with and turn it over to God. To close our eyes and picture us handing that sin off to him. At first my mind raced, what demon do I give up? There are so many. For some reason God pointed out my disbelief. Even though I go to church, until Sunday I didn't really get why I deserved an unconditional love from Him. Why I deserved nice boys to be nice to me. To get compliments. To have a good job. For things to work out. I didn't trust good moods or positivity because I was always waiting for it to go away. And in this moment as my eyes are closed and I'm listening to Pastor James, I saw myself give over my uncertainty. I whispered, "Amen" and opened my eyes to the light, that filled them and my heart. I felt whole, serene and calm and I knew that everything was going to be ok. To trust. To trust Him and myself. For I'm His child and if I do my best to live my life the way He wants me to He'll fulfill His end of the deal. Now I talk about this because when I was little the demon that I'm obsessed with now was present too. I have disliked myself and been very angry for a long time. And back in that little 10 year old head of mine that demon won. It took me away from God and it's taken me 14 years to find Him. Kris