Sorry For the Profanity

Lately, I've been confused. Ok well maybe that's not a true statement, I've always been confused, a tad off shall we say, uncertain, hmm indecisive…oh wait I'm doing it now…not sure which word to use, how to present my thoughts, what those thoughts actually are.

Living in my head is like 20 questions plus 100 more.

And while I'd like to always have a moral, an inspirational, invigorating, totally kickass post for you, three days ago I wanted to give you guys this…

"I don't know what to fucking say. I don't know how I fucking feel other than I want to rip things from the walls and throw them around until the pressure and tension and anger that I have is gone. Until I feel better. Until I'm not confused anymore until I can make sense of the fucked up shit in my head. I don't know what I'm fucking feeling so don't fucking ask. I hate coming clean with you because that means I have to come clean with myself and that brings to light all the fucking issues I have. All the shit I don't know. All the shit I feel. All the shit I don't know I feel. I don't know if what I hear in my head is God or me trying to make myself feel better.

Why is it so scary to be me, ALL of me? Because I'm not sure who that is. I have all this shit piled up all these issues addictions I don't even know what just stuff that's coming out of me and I can't handle it. I never learned how. But it's my disease that's causing the shit but I deal with that shit with doing this shit. WELL SHIT.

And I don't want to fucking pray. I want to feel better now."


That is unedited, raw, very angry shit people. And really embarrassing to put up here. Thank God I don't have to actually watch any of you read this…THAT'D be creepy.
However, the reason I share this with you now is because I've realized that I'm doing this right. This meaning fuckinglivingman and right meaning correctly FOR ME.
I have been asking my sponsors, my friends, my family, and God what the next step is. Why can't I get it? What am I doing wrong? What do I need more of?

I've been so focused on what needs to change that I don't realize what I'm doing. The fact that I wrote all that messed up angry stuff above means that I stopped and ACTUALLY WROTE IT OUT. I didn't eat my entire kitchen, throw up, I didn't drink, I didn't go to the gym for 3 hours…which is, in order, what I would usually do.
I got out my laptop and had a little fit and talked to God. And I felt better after. But not immediately. It wasn't until today AFTER CHURCH (I say that in caps because the entire time DURING church I was supposed to repent I couldn't get all of my stuff to come out right then bam time was up everyone out so I was pissed off that I wasn't healed and still confused) that I realized I've been looking to everyone to solve my problems, tell me how to do it correctly, when I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DO THAT.

I'm the only one I have to make happy in my life, I'm the only one who has to live with me for the rest of my life and I'm the only one who can change me (saying for the rest of my life wouldn't really make sense here…but it doesn't flow very nicely without it…)

So I am comforted in knowing that my messed up stumbling path that's pretty much blind is slightly working. I throw up 2 a month, haven’t drank in 3 and sad to say HA I think I'm sick of starving myself. I am happier than I've ever been, and even though I'm not sure if I'm doing it right, how it should be done, how it's been done in the past, I'm fucking doing it and it's working.