So you know how I keep ranting on about how I'm an anorexic / bulimic?
And I'm in program for over eating and alcoholism?
...If you do the math that doesn't make sense.
Even as a really sucky math kid I know that.
You'd think that bulimia / anorexia would equal me being in program for bulimia / anorexia or maybe I'd try out a program called ANOREXICS BULIMICS ANONYMOUS.
However, my chicken ass is not. After being in other 12 step programs for a year and a half, I have not once tried getting help specifically for my eds.
HOWEVER, again, for the first time, in 24 years and 4 months and one day (on the dot) of my life I am actually asking for help with my eating disorder.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnd I'm scared shitless.
Mostly I am afraid that they will make me eat things I don't want to, tell me to eat more or less, and the biggest one of all, all the girls will be thinner than me.
I am terrified to sit in a room with other girls (that look better than I do) and talk about how much we hate ourselves. Whether or not I'm fatter than them or ugly in comparison really means a lot because, as you know looks are everything*.
* SARCASM (and yes I know * go at the end of the page but this is my blog and I do what I want)
Anyway, the shame that comes with being fat and ugly and not attractive to other people ESPECIALLY to myself has kept me from getting help where I need it most until yesterday.
As I said in my last post, I have been very confused as to what to do. Slowly but surely with the help of a TON of praying, and a very corageous friend of mine, I've decided to start going to ABA meetings. First one is Sunday.
My friend didn't mean to do it, they were just sharing their struggle and hope and in turn inspired me.
I FRICKIN LOVE THAT...wait...since when do I not swear...I FUCKING LOVE THAT.
See, I'm really selfish and I think I'm the only one with problems, however every time I get my head out of my ass and listen rather than rant, I learn I'm not the only one. I'm not the only one hurting. I'm not the only one who's confused and lost.
But I'm also not the only one trying to get better. Seeing that someone else can be courageous enough to try, to know that they deserve something better is the most inspiring thing.
So there's a fire lit under my skinny ... no wait is it fat? ass and I'm going for it.
And now that I've told all of you I'm going to this meeting, I really actually have to.
Oh shit.
Well, for what it's worth, I've never once in the time that I've known you thought to myself that you looked either fat or ugly ... not even a little bit, not even for an instant. In fact, I think you look pretty darn great. And that's all I have to say on the matter. ;-p
ReplyDeleteOh thank you Austin! Haha "not even for an instant." Well you never saw the looks I gave ERik then because THOSE were ugly :) But really thank you!
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