I Didn't Mean To Throw Up

Most people hate puking.
When they hear I'm a bulimic, most people's reaction is "I don't know how you do that to yourself, I hate throwing up."
There are two different kinds of throwing up, selfinduced and uh not.
The past two days I've been throwing up because I'm sick AND I FUCKING HATE IT.
It doesn't feel the same when I do it. When I'm sick like this I have aches and chills and shakes. I throw up stomach acid and that taste stays in my mouth forever.
So just to clear that up, that well at least for me, I don't feel like that when I throw up. It's not pleasant by any means, but it's not that unpleasant.
Also since I'm sick I have NO appetite. This is weird coming from someone who is hungry 1 hour after a full breakfast.
But I'm so proud of myself for not turning to food to fix everything, which is what I usually do. Each everything until I feel better...no it doesn't make sense but neither does this disease.
So I've been stuck at home two days and since I have a studio I pretty much live in my kitchen and I haven't binged or purged (on purpose) at all.
GO ME!
Also, I just made blueberry muffins for ChaCha because even though I'm pukey (yes that's a word) and sick and disgusting he still wants to come over and hang out. I'm thinking of introducing him to Anchor Man or Bridesmaids.
The texture of pudding and cheesecake and batter etc are the easiest to binge off of for me, so this was a challenge. I started licking the spoon, had one spoonful then another and then said WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
And now I'm here,writing instead.

I also wanted to say that I've continued to learn things from my birthday fiasco weekend.

I DO have people that care about me.

This morning I actually went into work hoping I was ok and ended up getting sick at 8.
My coworker (there were only like two there at that hour) drove me home thank God and I told her I owed her big time and she said something that stuck with me "Kris, it's no big deal, that's what friends do."

And while all of my friends weren't able to make it to that one event, that one day, that doesn't mean I don't have any.

I have a tendency to zoom in on one moment, magnatize it and worry the shit out of it. It's an annoying habit.

But I've had other friends text and ask if they can do anything. Ask me how I'm doing. I've had friend who've read my last blog post and written me telling me how they saw me, instead of my one-sided Ed view.

A friend told me he had a crush on me but didn't bother because I had guys lined up. I didn't see my freshman year of college like that. That's when bulimia started and that's when I was so into the disease that life was just a formality. It was nice to step back and see the big picture and remember all elements of my past, not just the bad.

Ok I'm going to go put on deoterant and lotion and act like I showered for Chacha...haha I'm so gross.

Good night!

I Learned Some Shit Today

I've had some big realizations today.

If you didn't read last night's post you probably should—but then again why wouldn't you have? I'm so damn interesting how could you not?

But seriously.

On Friday we had a speaker come to the center, she was a bulimic, abused alcohol and was molested and raped when she was younger. I have many things in common with her.

At the end of the session we were allowed to ask questions, and I wanted to know whether or not she got over the abuse and rape.

Did she still hate men? Did she cringe at hugs? Did she have a relationship still with those who took advantage of her? Does it get better?

Her answer made my heart sink and my eyes fill with tears. No—no she doesn't have a real relationship with her abusers and no—it hasn't gotten better.

Today I brought this up at group therapy. And I heard somethings and learned somethings that I think I have been trying to figure out for years.

I have been trying to have a relationship with the abuser ever since it happened because I felt it was my fault—I wanted to make everything ok again—I wanted to act like it had never happened—so that's what I've tried to do.

Only it did happen—it wasn't ok—and it will never fully be ok again.

The person that I want him to be, he never will, because he never was.

All this time I've been trying to be good enough for him and his attention, friendship etc and I've never met those expectations because it's never going to happen.

This lead me to open up about my birthday 'party' snowball fight.

It is incredibly scary for me to take a chance and have confidence. I went out on a limb that people would want to show up for me, want to hang out with me, want to do this for and with me. It took a lot of courage to say, I'm going to think about making me happy today, not everyone else. And what happened? No one showed up.

At first I took this to mean, again, I'm not good enough, there's something wrong with me. How come I care so damn much about other people and they can't return the same common courtesy? Well that's because I'm not other people, I am unique, I am gracious, caring and selfless—not everyone is that way.

It took a very good friend of mine to help me realize that tonight and I'm so blessed that she did.

You see no one showing up reminded me of high school, junior high—where I was so confused and lost and didn't know how to be seen, to be liked, to be "ok." All I knew for sure was that I was attractive and if I got skinny I got some kind of approval that I wasn't getting at school or at home. And thus the eating disorder took hold.

And now I'm in a place where I don't have my looks, I'm not skinny, I can't have my disorder so who am I?

I used to base all my decisions on being thin. What I ate, how I spent my time, where I went, what I wore, etc all towards my 'value' of being skinny and attractive.

Now, I'm not supposed to do that—shit I CAN'T do that anymore—and I don't know how to find my value and my worth.  It's hard and it's confusing.

Living for God sounds nice, I'm not sure what that means, but I need to eat and to be healthy in both mind and body in order to serve him. So I'm going to try to do just that.

And you know something else? Every single girl that I invited from treatment had the time and the heart to call / text me that they couldn't come as well as ask me how it was the next day. Same with my best friends. So that just shows me who my real friends are, and honestly I have quite a few of them.

I feel so much better.

Sigh.

Goodnight and God bless.

Just Really Fucking Annoyed.

I've got to get somethings out of my mind or else I'm going to go out of my mind.

First is the shame and hate I have towards myself.

After my big woo I'm not drinking resolution-I drank on Friday.

I had gone 11 days without the stuff and thought one couldn't hurt but nope.

Before going dancing with my friends I said I'm ok, I only want two drinks.
I had four, my friends noticed, I brushed their questions off.

I drank more because my friend was getting more attention than me.

It's just not fair and so confusing, why am I not good enough?

She's already booed up. She's naturally pretty. Everyone likes her. I admire her. She's younger than me. A great dancer. Eats what she wants and is skinny. My heart dropped when the bartender brought me close and asked "so your friend, she taken?" thinking he was going to compliment me. Usually dancing is my thing, but nope, this girl one-uped me. I was just watching her in awe as she had only one drink, wondering how she does it. How she is so confident with herself. Wondering what she does that makes her so desirable and what I'm doing wrong.

I binged and purged when I got home that night. Telling my friends that I was ok.

The next morning, Saturday, I woke up ashamed and depressed and angry.

I binged and purged all morning until 2 when I was supposed to leave for my 25th birthday party.

To celebrate being a quarter of a century I wanted to go to the gigantic snowball fight at Seattle Center. What a unique thing to do!

I invited 40 people on facebook-20 said they were going-4 people showed up. 

Do you have any idea how stupid I still feel? How embarrassed?

Of the 20 about 8 were nice enough to say I'm sorry I can't come. Totally fine with me, I understand! But when it's getting late into the day and no one has shown up or called and my boyfriend and his friend ask me "where are your friends?" And I don't have an answer for them, it really fucking sucks.

The fight was ok and I tried letting go and being in the moment rather than thinking about how lame I felt. But I couldn't especially because of one person in particular that let me down. I'm always ALWAYS there for them and they did nothing to say they were or were not coming and all they had time to do was text me happy birthday on the actual day. I'm too chicken to confront them so I'm writing it on here.

Anyway, so fight happened, pretty cool to be apart of breaking a world record. And getting to hang out with Chacha since he's been gone so long.

Then we went to meet up with his friends at a bar. And I wanted a beer. I felt like shit about myself and just thought well fuck it.

I'm getting closer with my man and am less petrified to tell him about my disease so I told him what I had done that day and he said he'd help me not drink a lot today, which he did, bless him.

We went home napped-and this is a good thing-I ate pizza for my first time since recovery (so August). YAY! Then just sat and talked, or well Ed talked to me and I did all the listening.

He was telling me that Chacha's friends think I'm stupid. I was really out of it from binging and purging and then drinking so, well honestly wasn't being the sharpest tool in the shed that day. And I was already down on myself so when they were making fun of "Blondie" I took it to heart.

I HATE WHEN I DO THIS. I hate when I get so inside my head and so scared of people and what they think. It's very hard to get out. It makes it so I am too scared to talk. I shut down. My tongue swells and I literally can't say anything because I'm so ashamed of being nervous and not knowing what to say.

So what did I do? Drink more.

We ended up going to Cha Cha and that was fun then dancing at Neighbors which made my night.

I ran into old high school friends and one of them goes "congratulations" and I was like gurl what? And then she said she reads my blog. I was so flattered to hear that and to have her rooting for me.

I went home with Chacha so I didn't eat or throw up.

Today I woke up feeling like shit.

I can't do this anymore. I'm so sick of saying that I want to stop and I don't. I wish I could slap myself awake. I wish I could just fucking get it. I wish I could drink normally, eat a damn cookie, not cry when I wear jeans, not be jealous of my friends, not always be thinking about being skinny.

BUT I know that that thinking doesn't help, just makes me more depressed.

All I can do is the best I can and well, I honestly am trying. I'm still bitter sometimes that I have this and that I have to spend thousands on treatment. That I have to spend 4 days a week traveling to treatment and home again while my friends get to go to happy hours, soccer games, have a life.

BUT that doesn't get me anywhere except for mad.

I just want to get it right. I want to do this. I want to do it now. I'm so fucking determined sometimes but then I forget everything I know and do things to hurt my recovery. This is really fucking hard.

I'm just getting "back on the horse" - er I don't like that saying because it sounds like I was so defeated. Messing up is apart of my recovery too, each time I do I think I get a little stronger or am at least reminded as to why I want to be healthy and why I am spending thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours to be better.

So I'll go with the positive things:

Ahem.

1. I finally got to give my friend her Christmas present.

2.   I got mine from her! It's on my night stand :)

3.   I didn't binge or purge today

4.   Instead of bingeing and purging I painted my nails, researched primary care doctors, cleaned and wrote in my blog :)

5.   I got this for my 25th birthday!

6.   I'm learning who my real friends are. 

7.   I'm bringing in my Nerf gun to work tomorrow-where it will permanently live.

8.   I'm going to bed in about a half an hour.

9.  I was on The (206)  last night in a skit with Chris Cashman.

9.5  The Seahawks game was a good one. (it gets a half because it's not all positive)

10.  Now That I've had another weekend bender I hope / think / pray that I really will stop drinking for the time being, all of this mess, depression, anxiety and hate started from that "harmless" beer. I need to give myself  a chance at beating this and when I'm drinking I'm not doing that.

Ok that's all.

Goodnight. 

25 So Good So Far

GOSHDARNIT. I just scooted up my chair to write and forgot I put my favorite frame on top of my chair...it just shattered onto the floor. Damnit.

Well maybe this is a good time to go over the positive things in my life ATM:

1. My awesome possum coworker sent me a list of all the shows he wants to go to. I really like this guy who we'll call...Eyes...because he is like my show buddy. He loves going to them. Isn't fussy. Doesn't get wasted. And likes to dance.
2. So to bring me to point number two, thanks to Eyes's list, my little brother and I are going to see Griz. 
3. Also because of Eyes I found out about this new (to me new) DJ Listen To Him Here

I didn't realize how many people read my blog / facebook until "random" (as in not within the 5 people I told personally that I'm not drinking) people talk about me not drinking. Bringing me to my 4th good thing...

     4.  My friend showed me this which are different drinks that are not alcoholic. It's just so cool to see how many people support me and care. :)

     5.  Chacha and I are having ____(insert whatever I feel like eating in an hour) food tonight at my place while we watch a movie and he shows me how to use my present (it's a tablet for those of you who have as dirty as mind as I do).

     6.  I found a dollar going into work today

    7.   I slept in for an hour (but worked two hours extra)

So, part of my New Years Resolution and being 25 and because I fucking want to ... er resolution ... is to do something I'm scared to do everyday today that was numero 8 on the positive list.

   8.   I did yoga and zened the fuck out. There is a woman that teaches it in our "gym." I've only done yoga in treatment by the amazing Jamie at Ginning Yogi (can you tell that I just figured out how to link shit?!)  and once at Gold's which isn't very good. I learned new positions and got my coworkers interested in it too!

   9.   I am not hung over from my birthday

  10.  I ate cheesecake yesterday

  11.  I had an entirely veg breakfast and snack and lunch (not in that order) which was a goal of mine.

   12.  I had a really nice conversation with a girl I really admire in program today. I was feeling off since I didn't workout and got a ride home from work (aka no walking exercise aka I'm fat), but she helped calm me down and talk it out. 

I'm just so blessed to have you all support me and to have so man resources for love and hope. Sigh. I'm going to go shower and get ready to watch either Bridesmaids or Anchorman with Chacha.

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Older and uh Wiser?

There's a mom and daughter in front of me talking about family issues.

Then annoying, stereotypical Mercer Island housewives behind me blabbing, "Oh it's an awesome show. Oh totally I know! I saw it in NY just amazing…"

As I try to ignore them I look outside. It's pretty much pitch black out minus a bit of blue sky that's getting swallowed up by the clouds and the cityscape. It looks magical, all the buildings lights glimmer brighter as the cloud cover overtakes the sky and night comes.

Today is my 25^th birthday. I can feel it. I feel special, I feel different and I feel confident—mostly I feel like myself.

My therapist said today that I'm just being Kris right now. I learned in our session that there are many Kris's—that's not a bad thing. There's frazzled me, there's sad me, there's fucking pissed off me and there's confused me, to name a few—the catch is they are all still ME.

But today it was easier to be me. I was comfortable in my skin, I didn't second guess what I said or what I did, what I wanted to eat and even though I was very worried about what to do tonight I'm set on my plans.

I'm the type that wants to make everyone else happy on my birthday. I don't want anyone the next day talking to their coworkers about their night and being like, "I had to go to this stupid movie which gave me a headache but I did it because the birthday girl wanted to…" that means I won't have fun, actually I make myself not have fun from worrying. Which is no fun.

So tonight I'm going to get gelato (which I love but am scared of) and to see Cirque du Soleil: Worlds Away 3D (have to google that everytime).

It's a great way to end a wonderful day.

I want to say the highlights of my day were the facebook "happy birthdays" what a way to feel loved by my 75 closest friends!

As well as my coworkers—who totally rocked today.

WE usually do a potluck thing where everyone brings a bunch of really tasty, intimidating food and it sits there all day for me to have to look at avoid and talk to –yes talk to.

But I requested a sandwich bar thing and they delivered! I was able to eat on my meal plan comfortably and without fear. It was wonderful.

So this doesn't really have a point I just haven't written in a while.

I'm still not drinking – 9 days! But I have thrown up—just twice which is good.

I'm doing well overall except for that Ed is nagging me to lose weight. I want to be skinny but without the eating disorder—is it possible?

So I'm constantly fighting urges to restrict. To throw up meals. To over-workout. As well as those negative thoughts that keep telling me I'll be happier if I'm thinner.

It's embarrassing to admit that I just want to lose weight,  but that's where I'm at. And it's really hard with everyone talking about their diets and weight loss plans.

Also, I've noticed that I do really well if I get an entire day to myself. Where I don't have to go anywhere answer to anyone—I used to think it was bad but I realize I need to recoup—regularly. So seeing that as a positive thing is new.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. Chacha is home J I'm going to dinner with him tomorrow. Dancing on Friday with my girls. Saturday is my bd and Sunday is FOOTBALL! Go hawks.  

That's all. My stop is up. Good night!

My New Years Resolution

June 23, 2012 I broke my 6 month sobriety.
Ever since I started drinking again I've been trying to stop. But been unsuccessful.

There are times when I can have just one and go home and not binge and purge. There are days when I don't restrict all day just so I can drink. I've had times when I've gotten just shmammered and not binged and purged. And all of those times make me feel like I could do it again. However, there are more times than not that I have done the complete opposite. Plus, the next day is also incredibly hard for me to not to continue my habits since I'm hung over and miserable.

I am embarrassed that I haven't been able to stop on my own. That I've said this to my close friends and they've said "that's a good idea" and I've continued to drink. I'm embarrassed that I keep saying "Oh I've been sober at a show before and I can do it again"...only to find myself buying booze the second I'm in there.

But now that I think about it, when I did it the first time it was very hard. I had to not go out  at first, and go to AA meetings instead just to get through the weekend without having a drink. And I had forgotten that. I had forgotten how uncomfortable I was being sober while everyone else was drunk. But most importantly I forgot WHY I had made that decision for myself, it was so I could stop bingeing and puring and restricting.

So this isn't forever, but it's for now. For as long as I'm in recovery and going to the Moore Center.   I know I can do this, I just wasn't willing to take the steps to do it.

After publicly making the commitment to do this again aka posting it on facebook-because everyone knows it's not official until it's on facebook-I will have to be held accountable. I also texted my close friends so I can't be sneaky when we go get dinner or HH.

And now saying something here makes it more real. A buzz, a beer, free shots are not worth the pain, ainxst and self-deprication that happens after and the next day.

I really am worth recovery. And I need to give myself a fighting chance at it.

There will be hard times and I'll have to white knuckle it and find other ways to "get a buzz" but I can do it with your support and His love.

Also, I am going to start flossing every other day.

:)

Happy 2013-May it be our lucky year!