What I Learned in Church Today

Today is the final Sunday in Lent, Palm Sunday.
This week before EASTER is called Holy Week.


Honestly...because I missed last Sunday's sermon because of work...I am a tad confuzzled. So I can't really explain the significance of today or this week leading up to Easter. I tried reading a child's bible...but ok no wait...I mean I DID READ it haha it wasn't that advanced for all you funny people out there...but it was too simple and skipped over Palm Sunday. So I'm going to have to ask some people questions...

AND GUESS WHAT?!

I have people now :) Yes. Today I had the guts to stay after church to introduce myself. I've been going for what two months now and each time I left there as fast as I could for some reason. But today God had something else in mind...

Awesome lady - "Are you looking for someone?"
Me - "No...actually I come alone..."
And from there I was introduced to the people that run the audio/sound/lights. As well as the Sunday school teacher.

I am now going to look into becoming a member of the church (classes start next weekend...I for once don't work all weekend (sign from the G man? Yes.), I will be trained on the audio/sound/funstuffboard. AND I am going to help watch the kids next Sunday (after a background check ...)

I kept having these awkward pauses when I was meeting people. I'm very good at these. Where I just smile because I'm not sure what to say but I know it's my turn to speak. And I covered up my nerves by smoothly saying "I'm nervous." EH EH? Good huh?

So I take notes when I go to church.



And honestly I can't write fast enough...half the time I miss the point because I'm so frantically trying to rewrite what was said that made so much sense for that glittering moment...and then it fades from my mind and I'm left with countless half sentences.
notetoself: ...pay attention.

So what I can tell you is that today we celebrate when Jesus came to Jerusalem.
I can tell you that "hosanna" means save us.
That this week we are to reflect on the bad and awful Jesus suffered for us ... instead of just skipping a head to the good part where he is resserected.

Today the words "It is finished," were discussed, this is what Jesus said when he bowed his head and gave up his spirit. There was talk of the blood of the sacraficial lamb and how we are the Lord's sheep. And oh I so am. I am kind of a black sheep though...I stray...away...far sometimes but shoot dang did he grab my attention today.

I have basically hit rock bottom this past month. Honestly, I'm miserable 80% of the time. I don't know why or how and I hate self pity but that's exactly what is going on. It's not like I've not tried to fight it. I've journaled, talked to friends, counted my blessings but the dark was dragging me down. Last night I had such hatred, anger, sorrow that I gave in to my disease. It took over. It hurt me I hurt me. And I'm not going into detail but as I said God grabbed me today and pulled me up. And that's what matters.

I walked into church today so defeated so ready so willing and he was there for me.
I was reminded and now believe that we are in Christ and he is in us.
When he died for our sins on the cross the power of DEATH AND SIN was taken.
I didn't realize it until it was spelled out for me today but I had given power to sin. I was bonded to my anxiety, my unknown future, finding every raod to be a dead end, changes in relationships, sadness, worry everything bad was attached to me. Pulling me down.

But Jesus is the lamb of God. He was killed and we were set free. I AM FREE. His blood and suffering was not in vain. I can live in the light, I can be happy, I just need to surrender and ask God what his will is. I need to stop fighting against everything and just trust.

He lives for me, he protects me, I am his, my days belong to him and my goodness gracious am I glad that we are in this together.

At the beginning of church there's always singing praise. Today everyone stood and started singing Lamb of God. I was in the back row, standing alone (yes I'm trying to create a lonely sad picture) still shaken from the night before. I could smell a faint stench of puke in my hair ... it lingering like my disease. My throat rough as I began to sing. My hands shaking on the pew in front of me. My dry red exhausted eyes began to well up and my voice faulted. My face got hot...as it's doing now and I began to cry as I'm doing now.

For some reason I felt relieved. I felt light. I felt hope. And I know that what I was feeling was Him.

Kris.