What I Learned in Church Today

Well that's a lie...I did not go to church today but I did when I started writing this.

Now it's Tuesday (which means that the weekend is almost here if you round to Wednesday which is practically Thursday which gives me the mindset of Friday).

So Lent is still going on for those of you who didn't know. Every Sunday we talk about the seven last words of Christ. I don't really understand that because we've covered 7 SENTENCES. But I'm learning here.


"MY GOD MY GOD WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?" is what was explained and talked about on Sunday.

The kids message was the most powerful part of the morning...which is ironic because it was first and I so could have left after that...just kidding :)

Basically what was said is GOD WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU. HE'S ALWAYS WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU FEEL LONELY.

Man oh boy oh shoot-dang did I need to hear that. It's always nice to have reminders.

I may regret this after posting it but it feels ok right now. I have been wrestling, fighting, giving in, punching, despising, hating, an eating disorder for about 5 years now. I've had issues with it since 8th grade when I realized I was bigger than everyone (and more awkward) but only after senior year of high school did I realize this was no way to live.

Pastor Paul talked about how when we sin we get tangled in our sorrow, loneliness, regret etc and get taken further away from the light. that is exactly what had been happening to me with this disease. I was getting close to finding serenity and peace when I would sin and be closed off from it. Being suffocated by my own two hands...if you will.

We can stand on the light or the dark side of the cross. We...I...you... have a choice and you are not alone when you make that choice. You have friends, family, God, whoever you chose as your higher power to give you the strength to be who you know you can be. To fight.

When Jesus was on the cross in pain he cried out to God...basically asking where are you right now? I need you more than ever.

In a way his despair and hopelessness and suffering is a sign of FAITH.

Faith I'm coming to find is believing and trusting and acting when facing abandonment.

The disease has become a habit, a mindset, a way of life and trying to break that is so difficult. It's a daily, hourly, struggle between my mind and my spirit and it. What I've come to find is when I feel so defeated when I feel this uncontrollable anger and sadness I know one thing.

That I can't live like this anymore. I want to get better. I WANT TO GET BETTER. That's the only fiber of truth I know...and it's what keeps me going. My faith in myself is not twisted by my disillusion, it can be quieted but it never goes away.

His cry to God was trust. He KNEW God (or whoever you look to) was there listening and had always been there. Jesus knew he could count on him to listen, understand, be there when no one else was.

When you feel lonely, so empty inside, like ya want to cry for no reason and you can't stop even though you're by yourself on a bus riding home from work sitting right next to someone reading their Kindle(...that may be from personal experience...) you can be honest with yourself and say I can't handle this.

That faith and courage you show when you give in and say you need help takes more strength than anything else.

Still obey. Still believe...because life doesn't give us things we can't handle.

I hope this makes sense. It was rather personal today.

Tomorrow I'm making TERIYAKI (no not buying it from Sunny's and putting it on a plate) (even tho I so want to) and will blog about that one.

Kris.