Intensive Outpatient : Let's Think Happy Thoughts

My homework this week for therapy is to journal—but only about positive things.

This makes sense since the only time I want to journal is when things are terribly wrong. That's when I feel compelled to write. 

I had a killer dinner group just now and I want to remember it. So here goes…starting from the top.

Today is my Monday. I have had really bad, BAD body image which has made ED very loud. Every movement I make I can feel the added weight on my body and how its changed. I hate it. Ah positive ok…so yes bad time with that but someone in program suggested that I wear my favorite clothes or try to make my appearance more pleasing to myself. So I did and it helped.

All day I've been white knuckling not overeating. I am hungry. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I'm hungry now, I ate 40 minutes ago. Gah again, trying to be positive. I didn't binge or eat extra. Each time I do that I'm defining ED.

Today I had a meeting with a higher up at work and we ended up talking about their struggles and things going on in their life. Ironically it was what I needed. It got me outside my head and reminded me that I'm not the only one that is hurting, is confused, is depressed. I heard myself saying things to them like "be nice to yourself," "give yourself some credit," "this will pass," and these are all things I need to turn and say to myself.

And I'm trying.

When I really think about it I'm doing very well. I've not missed a group and am becoming more aware of when I'm anxious and why. NOT doing a disordered behavior is hard but just recognizing that I'm overwhelmed or thinking sideways is good.

I mean I'm working a full time job plus another job and still going to treatment 3xs a week AND having a social life. It's a lot but I just think I should be able to do it no problem.

So dinner group. I went in there and was right on time YAY!

I walked in and saw one of my favorite people from my old group. YAY! She just makes me feel safe, happy and like myself. I don't get inside my head when talking to her.

Then we tried this mindful crap that I can't do—yet—basically it's just more time for me to ponder my to-do list and add more things…

Then comes dinner. I'm sitting at a table with 10 people and my two best friends from program are on the other side. The girl to my left has zoned the fuck out and it's very uncomfortable. So I am assertive and ask to move-BOOYAH.

We plate our meal with the nutritionist watching. I know I plated my corn short and that I'm going to get called out but I try anyway.

She calls me out.

Then I leave the kitchen and go back to the dining room and after a prayer we start a mindful minute. Where we are quiet and pay attention to the fact that we are eating and what we are eating. 

I hear this word "model" and then I hear it again.

The girl at the next table is talking about America's Next Top Model. REALLY?

She says it one more time when I whip around and say in my bitch shut up voice "COULD YOU NOT SAY MODEL AT THE TABLE?"

BOO-YA!

Everyone thanks me.

Then we eat. It's like a girls night or something. I just get to catch up with my friends. And try collard greens—yuck.

Then after we process how the meal went and what was going on for us, as well as what's going on in our little noggins. I talk about how I just can't stop thinking I'm fat. I have convinced myself that it's really happened this time. I can see it. I can feel it. My clothes fit different. I hate it. I hate myself for doing this to my body and there really is no escape from these feelings at the moment. Only distractions. The worst part is  is that I know I'm not lying anymore, before in a twisted way I knew I was too thin but now I'm not. So there's no reprieve.

Anyway, I call ED out in group and the girls come to my rescue. I don't have to be mad about being hungry. I have to stick to my meal plan and in time I'll get my hunger cues back and it won't always be like this, there is hope and a light at the end of the tunnel. And I might be constantly hungry because I'm getting my period soon. YAY.

Then after everyone's talked the leader asks if there's anything else and a girl looks at me and says how well I'm doing. How she's proud of me for consistently being assertive and says that I'm a fighter. That I made her feel welcome in the group and that I'm doing really well. 

Girl say wha?

I couldn't stop beaming—just when I thought I was losing all control and totally couldn't stand myself anymore, this girl (and well the rest of the group) gave me a reason to have hope, to care about myself.

I'm feeling hopeful and lucky.

Goodnight God bless.

WHOA. PS. I just got off the phone with one of my biggest supporters in my recovery. I told her what was going on and she said I have to change my identity. I can no longer be "the skinny girl" I have to be me. I'm not sure who that is but once I get a more sound idea of my values and who I want to be I think it'll get easier. It's just so hard to let go of my appearance being my number one thing. Then we talked about boys J and finally Christmas. I'm just on cloud 9. I guess when you do surround yourself with positivity you're bound to feel positive.

Intensive Outpatient: Thanksgiving

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. It. went. well?

So let's recap, from the beginning…

I woke up in my own bed in Seattle because I decided (after a fight where they told me I couldn't go see my friends if I came home the night before—yes I'm 14…apparently) that I needed minimal family time.

So my eyes open to my alarm at 8:30 and of course I check my phone. Facebook. I see that one of my best and oldest friends has had her baby girl.

I started crying. WTF?! I didn't see that coming. But it was a great way to start the day, what a good reminder of what's important not only on Thanksgiving but also in life.

I ate breakfast—gasp! You did what?

For those of you who don't eat breakfast before Thanksgiving that's just stupid. It makes your hunger fucked up, your metabolism confused and it's just not healthy. However "normal" it is, it isn't.

Then I think I watched like oh THREE episodes of Parenthood—I'm hooked.

Then I went to the gym. And I cut my workout short—WTF mate? Who am I? The day where you're supposed to stuff yourself with unnecessary calories and I'm NOT workingout for two hours? (That is exactly what I did last year—I went to the gym on an empty stomach and didn't leave until I hurt).

I raced home got changed and didn't do my hair, makeup or anything—I don't even think I stopped sweating honestly—yum—and went to catch my bus to Bothell.

I brought  my snack with me (because I switched snack with lunch since lunch was turkey dinner) and ate it while listening to two black women chit chat. Soups entertaining.

45 minutes later I'm looking at my dad in the car, correction—begging him in the car to take me to coffee. This was my first mistake, however a grande Americano and awkwardly silent car ride later I'm hyped up on caffine and life and bust into my parent's house to trip over my brother's laptop and onto the floor.

I couldn't shut up. Neither could my mother. What's new? Now that I'm able to see outside of myself and have perspective on my family I see how much we fucking talk. How one fights for attention and the other one bangs their chest louder. We can have 3 separate conversations going at once and still be watching the game. My anxiety skyrocketed.

My brother got out a beer—so I grabbed the wine. I thought it's ok, I want this, not ed but me. But after one I always want another and then after that one I don't know what this foreign word—stopping—means.

So, I'm surrounded by food, buzzing, high off caffeine—great recipe for a dinner? Eh. Not so much.

My appetite was surpressed immensely and I started freaking out that there was too much on my plate. I couldn't get through the meal. However, I called myself out, I wrote down the portions I missed and told my family about it.

But I'm getting a head of myself. I need to give my family more credit. Before we ate I asked them to not talk about calories, working out or diets while at the table. No mention of pounds or looks. Please.

I then told them about my meal plan and to watch me like a hawk.

They obliged and dinner really was pleasant. We got along. And like I said I was kind iof all over the place with happy stuff in my system so I was fine.

We clean up after dinner. They want dessert. I try some. It's ok.

Then we go to a movie.

By this time I think it's a good idea to have a beer. And take another one in my purse. Yes again I am 14.

So I do. My brother and I share it on the way there in the back of my parents' car. Totally bonding.

We get to the theatre and I need another beer. So I go on a mission. I find the nearest bar and buy my brother a beer, me a beer and then a 'water' as I jokingly called the PBR.

Yes, yes I see that this is an issue. But I'm just recapping. So bear with me.

We watch Skyfall and I only pee like 4 times. I drink plenty of water and eat my snack that I brought despite my mom being like wow you're hungry? (NO MOM I'M JUST FAT…is what ed says).

I sober up a bit before we go home but not before I call Cha Cha and try to be flirtatious but I think it was more um…drunk haha

We drive through the city and see the lights—MY FAVORITE THING.

And I get dropped off at home. And I'm overcome with the need to eat. So I figure out the prortions I missed and have a sammy.

Then I wash my face, watch one more episode of Parenthood, and go to sleep.

I wake up this morning filled with regret, embarrassment. Yes, yes I have had multiple people be concerned about me drinking and it's correlation with my binges and my disorder. I see it as a cure for my anxiety and I see that that's a bad habit to start. But that's just where I'm at now.

Let's look at everything else. I didn't fight with my parents. I didn't binge. I didn’t' throw up. I didn't restrict. I didn't workout excessively. I wasn't in my head the entire time. I HAD FUN.

The end.

Intensive Outpatient : What I Did Last Night

After eating breakfast at 1 PM. My stomach is still churning saying MORE!

This confuses me. Technically I should have had a morning snack, breakfast and lunch by now. But should I still be hungry after eating a full meal? French toast with butter. YES BUTTER. Pear. 2% milk (That non fat stuff is for wussies).

I go to leave the house to get this one last disordered food that I can't seem to kick when I have an even bigger compulsion to write.

So here I am.

There's a lot that's going through my head.

I mean starting with last night.

I went out on this date thing that I wasn't really sure what his intentions were. Should I assume if a guy asks you to get a drink, picks you up, pays for everything that it's a date?

Wow. Written out that sounds so silly. Yes, yes it is a date. Chances are he isn't looking for another friend.

So I was actually having fun. He is from Lebanon and there's something about guys that aren't from the states that I really like. He just treats me differently than most American guys have. But then again as I get healthier my standards are different.

After the drink with him I planned to meet up with a girl friend but I can't get a hold of her or find her little self anywhere. I went to the bar she said she was last at and stared awkwardly at everyone there looking for her. Everyone includes my high school / college fling thing and his new wife. That sparked some memories. Just of how I was, the old me, the sick me. It also made me feel good that I just didn't really give a fuck.

After I couldn't find said friend we met up with his friends from Egypt and Australia. Also very charming. Ladies they are single :)

So we're adventuring and I run into a guy I had a fling with. No biggie. Just random that I am running into him  while on a date thing.

Then I get a text from the guy I like, like the one that's really uh caught my eye. He's at the bar across the street, Cha Cha. We'll call him Cha Cha from now on.

Oh. I immediately want to drop everything and see him. Guess that answers my confusion as to what the hell I'm doing out with these guys...

And to clarify, I went on this other date thing with uh Ken like Ken doll (again he said he wanted to be friends but he's been quite forward in texts and things...I am guessing friends isn't something he really wants). I had plans with a different guy today we'll call him Taco but I cancelled.

I realized that all these guys just mean I've been avoiding how I feel for Cha Cha.

I don't want to get hurt. As soon as I feel myself really starting to care for someone I get freaked out and start distracting myself by dating other guys. That way if Cha Cha decides he wants other girls I can make myself feel better by "all the other guys" that want me.

Lord, this sounds so shallow. But I'm just working through what I've been avoiding.

So, I'm at a dance club with Lebanon, Egypt and Aussie when I run into Mustache (my latest x). It's wonderful to see him and not really awkward. He's still a great guy, just not the one for me. But serious WTF is up with all my exes being out?

We hang out for a bit until the club closes and I exit with L E A. And in the parking  lot is Cha Cha. Oh. Balls.

So what do we do? ALL WALK ME HOME TOGETHER! Best idea ever!

I lie. I am such a bad person. And say I have to go to sleep I have church in the morning (well ok that wasn't a lie I did have church, but I wasn't going to go. They have sermons online...comes in handy when you're up at 5 am and church is 4 hours later). So all the guys leave. And I creepily watch from the window as LEA leave and Cha Cha is no where in sight.

I text him DON'T LEAVE! I feel like I'm having my own romantic comedy...but on a much smaller scale. There is no airport I'm running to, just my front door.

He stayed outside. He knew haha And I run to him crash into him kiss him and feel everything I haven't  been wanting to feel at once.

Vulnerable, happy and excited. We go back to my place and I fumble, trip and have long awkward pauses between words as I tell him that I don't want any other guy. I want him. I confessed about how I've been distracting myself from him and not trusting him entirely. He just seems too good to be true. But he is real, he's a really nice guy and he's into me. And that's ok. This happens sometimes. Sometimes nice guys don't finish last.

Also, while writing I realized I want the attention. Mustache actually called me out on that last night. I do. I like the attention, it boosts my confidence. Every time I have guy friends most often than not they just want to date me in the end, and when I stop flirting with them and put them in the friend zone off they go. This has happened so many times I feel that my worth is just from being flirtatious, from being attractive. Not who I am as a person. Make sense?

So that was my night and here I am just gossiping away. I have a slight hang over but I didn't binge and purge. I've been doing that lately. It's very hard to stop once you've started.

Recovery is what I'm in, but it's not a destination. Recovery looks different for everyone and it looks different at each stage. The stage I'm at now is not forcing myself to workout, not weighing myself constantly, not starving myself, not body checking or comparing myself to others. I am telling myself I'm beautiful. I am not afraid of any food anymore.

The stage of recovery that's next is stopping the binge purge cycle as well as kicking this last weird disordered food. But I'm not there yet. And that's ok.

I don't know about you guys but I feel light now. I just realized I'm happy. Really truly happy.

Ok now I'm just rambling. Peace. God bless.

Intensive Out Patient : Sick But Not Tired

When is this going to get easier?

I feel like I've been trying so hard for so long to get healthy and I'm better but I'm not better.

It's so hard. 

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I'm white knuckling not drinking by myself right now. Not going into the kitchen and overeating and throwing up.

I want to not feel. 

My thoughts keep going that direction. Just open a beer. Just have more of this. You can just get rid of it. 

Even though I've had horrible heart burn from doing it last night..."it" meaning drinking and overeating.

I ate an entire thing of hummus with crackers. Cheese and crackers. A jar of peanut butter. A yogurt.

It's so shameful. Like what the hell am I doing? Why do I do this? Why me?

Well I know why. It makes perfect sense that I do what I do but I just wish it didn't happen to me.

I wish that I would be better.

I am not losing hope, or trying to be negative, I just need to talk / type / cry this out.

I didn't know this was in me but I'm full on crying now.

It's all piling up.

I went back to work and am not at the level I used to be. I keep getting bad reviews and tons of emails telling me how to improve.

It'll make me stronger but it's hard to hear still.

It's hard to write at work too. Work was the one thing I had a handle on, the one thing I had confidence in and that feels like it's been taken from me, once again because of this disease.

And I binged and purged on Thursday. I didn't mean to. I didn't plan it like I usually do. It just happened. I hadn't in almost two months-that's a life record for me since I started.

I was restricting at meals without meaning to, I was just scared of going over.

All of this is weighing on me. The shame. The anger. The frustration. I just don't want to deal with it. I want to give up.

So I wrote all of that about three hours ago and wasn't finished, but my phone rang.
It was a good friend who is going through something very similiar. She was calling to say she wanted / needed to meet up.
Minutes later she was at my house and we were crying, laughing, talking together. Sharing our struggle, giving it less power and us more. We talked about our weird habits, our addiction, our frustration and also our successes.

After talking I began to feel normal again, like me again. The warmth came back inside me and my head cleared. Next thing I know she's showing me the huge hole in her sock with her toe sticking out asking if this is weird.

Laughter fills me. And not just my face and my stomach but to my core.

I just realized that I am more alive now than I ever have been.

I'm feeling the hurt and the suffering which I never did before but I'm also feeling joy and hope.

I am so blessed. I just have to keep staying positive. Calling Ed out. Putting my recovery first-my life first.

Good things about today:

1. My boss (this is my second job) told me she missed having me around today (it was the first shift I've worked in 3 months).
2. I got called "the hot girl in the red coat" today at work
3. I was told I look healthy and happy
4. I ate all my meals today and wasn't embarrassed to go eat lunch alone when no one else was taking time to eat lunch
5. The Seahawks won today
6. My mom and I made a dinner date for Friday
7. I journaled instead of eating
8. I told myself I look pretty and meant it
9. I had so much fun at work! Just socializing with strangers and getting out of my comfort zone is such a confidence booster.
10. I got to see my dad

Good night. God bless.

Intensive Out Patient : Smell The Break Room Coffee

So now that I'm back at work (and no, of course I'm not blogging at work) I AM ALWAYS HUNGRY.

This constant hunger reminds me of before treatment. When I would get mad at myself for being hungry because I just ate.

So I had this idea-what if I am always hungry because I am almost always anxious?

If I check in with what's going on emotionally for me I realize all I've been doing is worrying. When will I finish my event, is this any good, did I just make an ass out of myself?

So, I need to apply what I was learning at the center here. Which may seem obvious to some of you but I'm a slow learner sometimes.

So. How many times can I say so? Lord...So, anyway I really need to stay present at work. Not mind read and future trip while I'm writing. Instead of seeing my job as something that creates stress and gives me the opportunity to fail I should flip that around and see it as a blessing, it's a time for me.

I get to be creative, challenge myself and therefore ENJOY myself. I'm still so used to having a clock tick in my ear, hurry up and finish! DO MORE! I'm always rushed and don't stop to talk with my co workers, to take a lunch, to research a product before writing or shit son, just breathe.

Now that I've realized what is happening I'm better able to deal with it.

I feel like I'm not the only one who breezes through a work day not really taking time to enjoy it or to chill.

It's very easy to get caught up in deadlines and things to do, but when you take the time to pause and count your blessings I bet you'll enjoy your day a lot more.

It's almost Friday!

God bless.

Intensive Out Patient : I AM OK?

I'm really anxious and i don't know why.
i'm shaking and I don't know why.
I am sick to my stomach and I don't know why.

There is so much that goes on in my day now I can't process it all.

I forget to check in with myself instead of going through the motions.

Being self-aware is weird.

I used to just numb out by eating at work or refusing to eat at work. Or going on walks. Or well just working. Now I don't do that. Now I'm semi-aware of what's going on in my head.

THERE'S JUST SO MUCH.

I have to keep reminding myself I AM OK.

This morning I woke up in a downer mood for whatever reason and I had to think about it and go - "oh I'm ok, nothing is wrong." I just had another weird dream that I don't remember.

Then at work I get anxious about a sale I'm writing but calm down by being mindful-just sticking to what I'm doing and that's all I have to do right now.

Then I get overwhelmed with how fucking happy I am to be back. I watch my coworkers in a new way (WELL THAT'S CREEPY) but I mean I used to read their minds. I used to tell myself what they were thinking about me, even though each one was not even looking at me. I would convince myself that they hated me and here's why. I was so twisted.

Now it's like a weight has been lifted, my eyes are open and I can just breathe. IT IS SO WEIRD. It is so weird to not be over-analyzing. To not be so focused on what I look like, I can eat next, what I just ate or when I can leave to work out.

But it's hard to do this. I catch my mind going into old patterns. This healthy thing is uncomfortable. But I also am reminded daily about how uncomfortable I was in my disease. I see it everywhere at home and in the office and I am so damn thankful I am not that girl anymore. But again it is just weird to be put back into my life but it's not my life or well-that wasn't really my life to begin with. You know?

I guess what I'm getting at is that there's so much happening and I'm HAPPY and I'm scared to admit that I am happy.

I come home and am so used to being pushed to my limits of time and the amount of things I can accomplish in a day it feels weird to not have plans, to be able to read for an hour if I want. I don't know if I'm explaining this right, but...

Nothing is really wrong. And I guess I'm not used to that.

Goodnight and God bless :)

Oh PS I'm making dinner. I NEVER DO THIS. I always just had salad and pre-cut chicken or crab. But I have rice on the stove (which is way too watery) and chicken sausage and green beans. And yes I put butter in my rice. BOOYA!

Intensive Out Patient : OBAMA

I don't want to write and I'm hoping that most of you are to preoccupied with the fact that OBAMA WON to read my little posty post. Sick. I did not just type that.

PS Intensive Out Patient means I go 3xs a week for like 3 - 4 hours at a time.

Gah. I am really having to force myself to write. I honestly just want to do leg lifts until I lose 15 pounds and then I will be happy.

WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GIRL?

Why am I so compelled to go back to my old ways? I even had a good day-I got the warmest welcome at work. I looked good. I had a great dinner group at the center tonight. Oh and Obama is here for another four years.

HYFR.

So what the fuck is going on for me?

Checklist time...

I'm tired. Like my eyes burn when I close them tired.
I left the house at 6:45 this morning and got home at 8:30 PM.

Overall, work was grand. I walked in to find my desk COVERED in post-it notes saying nice things and also some really bizarre funny things (I kept them all).

AND my friend who's supported me from day uno brought me carnations which are delicate, durable and delightful all in one-like MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. ha.

Ok I can't do this. When I write in here I always have this urge to entertain and sum up my day but you know what? I'm just going to write and well right now I feel fat. I can't stop moving my legs trying to flex my bootay and get rid of the fat that's on there.

When I ran up the stairs today at work I felt it shaking. I can feel the extra skin on my stomach now. I even think my arms have gotten fatter. I don't like this. But maybe I do?

I don't know. I don't like the feeling right now. It's like my thighs are just huge and that makes me sad / mad. I feel like I've failed and am out of control.

It's like I hear my "mom" in my head, well you've really done it now. You've gained all this weight and are you happy? Nope.

But that's all Ed Ed Ed. Fuck him man. I don't really want to flip this around to be positive, I'd rather keep bitching but that's not recovery focused. Fuck. I just really don't want to be positive.

Man and I had a mini donut that I bought for my coworker's birthday tomorrow (well I bought 18 and had 1). Which isn't bad but Ed is telling me that it's bad, very bad. That I can't have any tomorrow. That I shouldn't have had that latte today (I should have gotten the Americano and choked it down with no cream). That I should have worked out this week even though I've been really sick. That I'm just a failure. It's all piling up and I don't know what to do with it.

But I do. Gah I do but I don't want to do what's right.

What's right is for me to say SHUT UP ED. I am in control not you. One donut will not make me fat. I am not working out because I am sick and I walked a ton today. You had a peppermint latte because it was your first day back at work and you wanted it. It's ok that you ate lunch instead of walking. And this is your new body now and right now it's going to be uncomfortable but it won't always be. Think of how far you've come and how many people are so proud of you.

I got so many hugs and welcome back's today. So many. I can't tell you how much it meant to me that people noticed I was gone and that they took the time to come say hi today. I am learning I deserve that kind of treatment.

At the end of my time in partial hospitalization treatment we do a sending ceremony. A running theme for what everyone said to me was that they hope I see how talented I am, how kind I am, how much light I bring into a room because as soon as I see these things there'll be no stopping me.

I want to see these things I do, and sometimes, like earlier today, I saw them. But I saw them without trying. I didn't realize I was being myself until I just started reflecting on it.

All my life I've looked at other's lives to try and figure out how they achieved happiness, how they got that pretty, got that boyfriend, got that job, got that confidence etc I never once looked to myself for that same joy.

For the first time that I can remember I'm letting go of trying so hard and stopping looking and just being.

Um if this makes sense to anyone kudos. I just went from hating myself to loving myself and being filled with hope.

I guess it's the tough stuff the stuff you don't want to do that really gets you somewhere.

Good night and GOD BLESS AMERICA!

What I Learned In Church Today

It's so nice when the pastor makes the sermon specifically for me. Just makes the whole learning process easier.

Today we read Matthew 6:24 - 33.

"No one can serve two masters..." So of course this is talking about Ed and I. I can't be faithful to Ed and myself at the same time, or God for that matter.

He said, "Simplicity is freedom." Well that's easy enough isn't it?

As soon as I sat down in my pew I began to write on the first piece of paper I could find. My thoughts were going a hundred miles a minute. I am back in my life now which means two jobs, church, volunteering at church, working out and trying to have a social life OH YA and that RECOVERY THING. How the hell am I supposed to do all this?

I went from 11 hours 7 days a week of me time to EVERYTHING and then some. Fack.

BUT I was reminded today that if I serve Him and put Him first he will take care of me. If I surrender, let go, I will be ok.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?" - see I told you the sermon was all about me.

God has given me life so he'll give me the things I need to live. For so long I've been in fear. I've been living in fear of not getting what I need. I was afraid I wouldn't be happy and I wouldn't be loved, so I did eating disorder behaviors to try to find love and happiness (through looking pretty so everyone else will like me).

When ironically as soon as I began to give up these behaviors and my disease I found more joy and happiness than ever. I also discovered that you guys like me and want the best for me. And the way to do that is by being me and letting go of the actions and rituals I thought would make everything wonderful in the first place.

Make sense? Let's hope so.

Today I was reminded that where ever He takes me it'll be ok. God will provide for me.

And it is true. He will and has!

I was singing the worship songs and they brought back memories. Memories of when I stood in the same spot singing the same lyrics hoping that I'll see this light. That I'll find this strength in weakness. That I'll be ok. And now I am. 

This morning when I sang the songs I was praising and not pleading. I am no longer lost or distraught, I feel blessed and thankful. 

God bless. Go Seahawks.

Treatment Day 49 : Discharge Date

Ok the word discharge is gross.

HA.

So today was my last full day at the center. I will still be going THREE times a week for different nutrition, therapy and dinner groups which is great because I'm still in my recovery. It's not like oh welp now I'm normal.

Whatever NORMAL is anyway.

Today was great.

We did a sending ceremony where everyone has to say nice things about me and I got a MEDALLION. Yes it's as cool as it sounds.

Then the day dragged on a bit but was still fun.

We had family group with a questionnaire thing for a panel of therapist, nutritionist and patients. My mom came-she was so cute and got dressed up and put on eye shadow and everything. She asked quite a few questions too. Proud of her.

I said my see you laters to the girls because there is NO WAY I'm not talking to these people again. They are my best friends in a way, they know all of me and love me. I don't want to talk about that now though because I am tired and am rushing through this post so I can lay in bed and read.

Mom and I went to McCormick & Schmick's for dinner and it was AMAZING.
Not only because the food was awesome (I had stuffed shrimp, grilled shrimp, green beans, mashed potatoes and salmon) but because I was able to pick what I WANTED TO EAT.

I didn't try to get the smallest grilled thing on there with no butter on my veg and drink a zillion diet Cokes to fill me up. I ate what I needed to, got full and enjoyed it in the process. My mom and I had a lovely time AND we even went to THE CONTAINER STORE, where my inner Martha Stewart came out and my mom had to bribe me to leave.

I'll write more tomorrow but long story short. I did it. I'm not done by any means but I fucking did it. I was in treatment for the past two months almost nonstop and I struggled, had successes, found myself, watched others grow and LIVED. In my disorder I was numb, deaf, blind and dead inside.

I am so excited for what my life has in store for me now, but that's getting ahead of myself, let's just start with tonight.

God bless.

Treatment Day 48 : I'm Tired

I'm tired.

Just got home a bit ago, I've been gone for like 15 hours of my day.

Treatment went well. But ED is still being mean to me. Calling me fat and I'm half inclined to believe him.

GAH.

However, I hung out with my best friends tonight and it was wonderful. I heard about their lives, laughed a lot and felt like myself.

I discharge tomorrow.

Oh wait let me say that again.

I DISCHARGE TOMORROW.

YEEEEEEEEEE. HYFR. YAY!

Goodnight God Bless