After eating breakfast at 1 PM. My stomach is still churning saying MORE!
This confuses me. Technically I should have had a morning snack, breakfast and lunch by now. But should I still be hungry after eating a full meal? French toast with butter. YES BUTTER. Pear. 2% milk (That non fat stuff is for wussies).
I go to leave the house to get this one last disordered food that I can't seem to kick when I have an even bigger compulsion to write.
So here I am.
There's a lot that's going through my head.
I mean starting with last night.
I went out on this date thing that I wasn't really sure what his intentions were. Should I assume if a guy asks you to get a drink, picks you up, pays for everything that it's a date?
Wow. Written out that sounds so silly. Yes, yes it is a date. Chances are he isn't looking for another friend.
So I was actually having fun. He is from Lebanon and there's something about guys that aren't from the states that I really like. He just treats me differently than most American guys have. But then again as I get healthier my standards are different.
After the drink with him I planned to meet up with a girl friend but I can't get a hold of her or find her little self anywhere. I went to the bar she said she was last at and stared awkwardly at everyone there looking for her. Everyone includes my high school / college fling thing and his new wife. That sparked some memories. Just of how I was, the old me, the sick me. It also made me feel good that I just didn't really give a fuck.
After I couldn't find said friend we met up with his friends from Egypt and Australia. Also very charming. Ladies they are single :)
So we're adventuring and I run into a guy I had a fling with. No biggie. Just random that I am running into him while on a date thing.
Then I get a text from the guy I like, like the one that's really uh caught my eye. He's at the bar across the street, Cha Cha. We'll call him Cha Cha from now on.
Oh. I immediately want to drop everything and see him. Guess that answers my confusion as to what the hell I'm doing out with these guys...
And to clarify, I went on this other date thing with uh Ken like Ken doll (again he said he wanted to be friends but he's been quite forward in texts and things...I am guessing friends isn't something he really wants). I had plans with a different guy today we'll call him Taco but I cancelled.
I realized that all these guys just mean I've been avoiding how I feel for Cha Cha.
I don't want to get hurt. As soon as I feel myself really starting to care for someone I get freaked out and start distracting myself by dating other guys. That way if Cha Cha decides he wants other girls I can make myself feel better by "all the other guys" that want me.
Lord, this sounds so shallow. But I'm just working through what I've been avoiding.
So, I'm at a dance club with Lebanon, Egypt and Aussie when I run into Mustache (my latest x). It's wonderful to see him and not really awkward. He's still a great guy, just not the one for me. But serious WTF is up with all my exes being out?
We hang out for a bit until the club closes and I exit with L E A. And in the parking lot is Cha Cha. Oh. Balls.
So what do we do? ALL WALK ME HOME TOGETHER! Best idea ever!
I lie. I am such a bad person. And say I have to go to sleep I have church in the morning (well ok that wasn't a lie I did have church, but I wasn't going to go. They have sermons online...comes in handy when you're up at 5 am and church is 4 hours later). So all the guys leave. And I creepily watch from the window as LEA leave and Cha Cha is no where in sight.
I text him DON'T LEAVE! I feel like I'm having my own romantic comedy...but on a much smaller scale. There is no airport I'm running to, just my front door.
He stayed outside. He knew haha And I run to him crash into him kiss him and feel everything I haven't been wanting to feel at once.
Vulnerable, happy and excited. We go back to my place and I fumble, trip and have long awkward pauses between words as I tell him that I don't want any other guy. I want him. I confessed about how I've been distracting myself from him and not trusting him entirely. He just seems too good to be true. But he is real, he's a really nice guy and he's into me. And that's ok. This happens sometimes. Sometimes nice guys don't finish last.
Also, while writing I realized I want the attention. Mustache actually called me out on that last night. I do. I like the attention, it boosts my confidence. Every time I have guy friends most often than not they just want to date me in the end, and when I stop flirting with them and put them in the friend zone off they go. This has happened so many times I feel that my worth is just from being flirtatious, from being attractive. Not who I am as a person. Make sense?
So that was my night and here I am just gossiping away. I have a slight hang over but I didn't binge and purge. I've been doing that lately. It's very hard to stop once you've started.
Recovery is what I'm in, but it's not a destination. Recovery looks different for everyone and it looks different at each stage. The stage I'm at now is not forcing myself to workout, not weighing myself constantly, not starving myself, not body checking or comparing myself to others. I am telling myself I'm beautiful. I am not afraid of any food anymore.
The stage of recovery that's next is stopping the binge purge cycle as well as kicking this last weird disordered food. But I'm not there yet. And that's ok.
I don't know about you guys but I feel light now. I just realized I'm happy. Really truly happy.
Ok now I'm just rambling. Peace. God bless.
No comments:
Post a Comment