Intensive Outpatient : Let's Think Happy Thoughts

My homework this week for therapy is to journal—but only about positive things.

This makes sense since the only time I want to journal is when things are terribly wrong. That's when I feel compelled to write. 

I had a killer dinner group just now and I want to remember it. So here goes…starting from the top.

Today is my Monday. I have had really bad, BAD body image which has made ED very loud. Every movement I make I can feel the added weight on my body and how its changed. I hate it. Ah positive ok…so yes bad time with that but someone in program suggested that I wear my favorite clothes or try to make my appearance more pleasing to myself. So I did and it helped.

All day I've been white knuckling not overeating. I am hungry. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I'm hungry now, I ate 40 minutes ago. Gah again, trying to be positive. I didn't binge or eat extra. Each time I do that I'm defining ED.

Today I had a meeting with a higher up at work and we ended up talking about their struggles and things going on in their life. Ironically it was what I needed. It got me outside my head and reminded me that I'm not the only one that is hurting, is confused, is depressed. I heard myself saying things to them like "be nice to yourself," "give yourself some credit," "this will pass," and these are all things I need to turn and say to myself.

And I'm trying.

When I really think about it I'm doing very well. I've not missed a group and am becoming more aware of when I'm anxious and why. NOT doing a disordered behavior is hard but just recognizing that I'm overwhelmed or thinking sideways is good.

I mean I'm working a full time job plus another job and still going to treatment 3xs a week AND having a social life. It's a lot but I just think I should be able to do it no problem.

So dinner group. I went in there and was right on time YAY!

I walked in and saw one of my favorite people from my old group. YAY! She just makes me feel safe, happy and like myself. I don't get inside my head when talking to her.

Then we tried this mindful crap that I can't do—yet—basically it's just more time for me to ponder my to-do list and add more things…

Then comes dinner. I'm sitting at a table with 10 people and my two best friends from program are on the other side. The girl to my left has zoned the fuck out and it's very uncomfortable. So I am assertive and ask to move-BOOYAH.

We plate our meal with the nutritionist watching. I know I plated my corn short and that I'm going to get called out but I try anyway.

She calls me out.

Then I leave the kitchen and go back to the dining room and after a prayer we start a mindful minute. Where we are quiet and pay attention to the fact that we are eating and what we are eating. 

I hear this word "model" and then I hear it again.

The girl at the next table is talking about America's Next Top Model. REALLY?

She says it one more time when I whip around and say in my bitch shut up voice "COULD YOU NOT SAY MODEL AT THE TABLE?"

BOO-YA!

Everyone thanks me.

Then we eat. It's like a girls night or something. I just get to catch up with my friends. And try collard greens—yuck.

Then after we process how the meal went and what was going on for us, as well as what's going on in our little noggins. I talk about how I just can't stop thinking I'm fat. I have convinced myself that it's really happened this time. I can see it. I can feel it. My clothes fit different. I hate it. I hate myself for doing this to my body and there really is no escape from these feelings at the moment. Only distractions. The worst part is  is that I know I'm not lying anymore, before in a twisted way I knew I was too thin but now I'm not. So there's no reprieve.

Anyway, I call ED out in group and the girls come to my rescue. I don't have to be mad about being hungry. I have to stick to my meal plan and in time I'll get my hunger cues back and it won't always be like this, there is hope and a light at the end of the tunnel. And I might be constantly hungry because I'm getting my period soon. YAY.

Then after everyone's talked the leader asks if there's anything else and a girl looks at me and says how well I'm doing. How she's proud of me for consistently being assertive and says that I'm a fighter. That I made her feel welcome in the group and that I'm doing really well. 

Girl say wha?

I couldn't stop beaming—just when I thought I was losing all control and totally couldn't stand myself anymore, this girl (and well the rest of the group) gave me a reason to have hope, to care about myself.

I'm feeling hopeful and lucky.

Goodnight God bless.

WHOA. PS. I just got off the phone with one of my biggest supporters in my recovery. I told her what was going on and she said I have to change my identity. I can no longer be "the skinny girl" I have to be me. I'm not sure who that is but once I get a more sound idea of my values and who I want to be I think it'll get easier. It's just so hard to let go of my appearance being my number one thing. Then we talked about boys J and finally Christmas. I'm just on cloud 9. I guess when you do surround yourself with positivity you're bound to feel positive.