Intensive Out Patient : OBAMA

I don't want to write and I'm hoping that most of you are to preoccupied with the fact that OBAMA WON to read my little posty post. Sick. I did not just type that.

PS Intensive Out Patient means I go 3xs a week for like 3 - 4 hours at a time.

Gah. I am really having to force myself to write. I honestly just want to do leg lifts until I lose 15 pounds and then I will be happy.

WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GIRL?

Why am I so compelled to go back to my old ways? I even had a good day-I got the warmest welcome at work. I looked good. I had a great dinner group at the center tonight. Oh and Obama is here for another four years.

HYFR.

So what the fuck is going on for me?

Checklist time...

I'm tired. Like my eyes burn when I close them tired.
I left the house at 6:45 this morning and got home at 8:30 PM.

Overall, work was grand. I walked in to find my desk COVERED in post-it notes saying nice things and also some really bizarre funny things (I kept them all).

AND my friend who's supported me from day uno brought me carnations which are delicate, durable and delightful all in one-like MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. ha.

Ok I can't do this. When I write in here I always have this urge to entertain and sum up my day but you know what? I'm just going to write and well right now I feel fat. I can't stop moving my legs trying to flex my bootay and get rid of the fat that's on there.

When I ran up the stairs today at work I felt it shaking. I can feel the extra skin on my stomach now. I even think my arms have gotten fatter. I don't like this. But maybe I do?

I don't know. I don't like the feeling right now. It's like my thighs are just huge and that makes me sad / mad. I feel like I've failed and am out of control.

It's like I hear my "mom" in my head, well you've really done it now. You've gained all this weight and are you happy? Nope.

But that's all Ed Ed Ed. Fuck him man. I don't really want to flip this around to be positive, I'd rather keep bitching but that's not recovery focused. Fuck. I just really don't want to be positive.

Man and I had a mini donut that I bought for my coworker's birthday tomorrow (well I bought 18 and had 1). Which isn't bad but Ed is telling me that it's bad, very bad. That I can't have any tomorrow. That I shouldn't have had that latte today (I should have gotten the Americano and choked it down with no cream). That I should have worked out this week even though I've been really sick. That I'm just a failure. It's all piling up and I don't know what to do with it.

But I do. Gah I do but I don't want to do what's right.

What's right is for me to say SHUT UP ED. I am in control not you. One donut will not make me fat. I am not working out because I am sick and I walked a ton today. You had a peppermint latte because it was your first day back at work and you wanted it. It's ok that you ate lunch instead of walking. And this is your new body now and right now it's going to be uncomfortable but it won't always be. Think of how far you've come and how many people are so proud of you.

I got so many hugs and welcome back's today. So many. I can't tell you how much it meant to me that people noticed I was gone and that they took the time to come say hi today. I am learning I deserve that kind of treatment.

At the end of my time in partial hospitalization treatment we do a sending ceremony. A running theme for what everyone said to me was that they hope I see how talented I am, how kind I am, how much light I bring into a room because as soon as I see these things there'll be no stopping me.

I want to see these things I do, and sometimes, like earlier today, I saw them. But I saw them without trying. I didn't realize I was being myself until I just started reflecting on it.

All my life I've looked at other's lives to try and figure out how they achieved happiness, how they got that pretty, got that boyfriend, got that job, got that confidence etc I never once looked to myself for that same joy.

For the first time that I can remember I'm letting go of trying so hard and stopping looking and just being.

Um if this makes sense to anyone kudos. I just went from hating myself to loving myself and being filled with hope.

I guess it's the tough stuff the stuff you don't want to do that really gets you somewhere.

Good night and GOD BLESS AMERICA!