Intensive Out Patient : Sick But Not Tired

When is this going to get easier?

I feel like I've been trying so hard for so long to get healthy and I'm better but I'm not better.

It's so hard. 

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I'm white knuckling not drinking by myself right now. Not going into the kitchen and overeating and throwing up.

I want to not feel. 

My thoughts keep going that direction. Just open a beer. Just have more of this. You can just get rid of it. 

Even though I've had horrible heart burn from doing it last night..."it" meaning drinking and overeating.

I ate an entire thing of hummus with crackers. Cheese and crackers. A jar of peanut butter. A yogurt.

It's so shameful. Like what the hell am I doing? Why do I do this? Why me?

Well I know why. It makes perfect sense that I do what I do but I just wish it didn't happen to me.

I wish that I would be better.

I am not losing hope, or trying to be negative, I just need to talk / type / cry this out.

I didn't know this was in me but I'm full on crying now.

It's all piling up.

I went back to work and am not at the level I used to be. I keep getting bad reviews and tons of emails telling me how to improve.

It'll make me stronger but it's hard to hear still.

It's hard to write at work too. Work was the one thing I had a handle on, the one thing I had confidence in and that feels like it's been taken from me, once again because of this disease.

And I binged and purged on Thursday. I didn't mean to. I didn't plan it like I usually do. It just happened. I hadn't in almost two months-that's a life record for me since I started.

I was restricting at meals without meaning to, I was just scared of going over.

All of this is weighing on me. The shame. The anger. The frustration. I just don't want to deal with it. I want to give up.

So I wrote all of that about three hours ago and wasn't finished, but my phone rang.
It was a good friend who is going through something very similiar. She was calling to say she wanted / needed to meet up.
Minutes later she was at my house and we were crying, laughing, talking together. Sharing our struggle, giving it less power and us more. We talked about our weird habits, our addiction, our frustration and also our successes.

After talking I began to feel normal again, like me again. The warmth came back inside me and my head cleared. Next thing I know she's showing me the huge hole in her sock with her toe sticking out asking if this is weird.

Laughter fills me. And not just my face and my stomach but to my core.

I just realized that I am more alive now than I ever have been.

I'm feeling the hurt and the suffering which I never did before but I'm also feeling joy and hope.

I am so blessed. I just have to keep staying positive. Calling Ed out. Putting my recovery first-my life first.

Good things about today:

1. My boss (this is my second job) told me she missed having me around today (it was the first shift I've worked in 3 months).
2. I got called "the hot girl in the red coat" today at work
3. I was told I look healthy and happy
4. I ate all my meals today and wasn't embarrassed to go eat lunch alone when no one else was taking time to eat lunch
5. The Seahawks won today
6. My mom and I made a dinner date for Friday
7. I journaled instead of eating
8. I told myself I look pretty and meant it
9. I had so much fun at work! Just socializing with strangers and getting out of my comfort zone is such a confidence booster.
10. I got to see my dad

Good night. God bless.