Intensive Outpatient : BITCH I EAT CAKE

Funny story time!

So. I'm on my period. Is that weird I just said that? Well I said it. You read it. It's done.

I have been craving chocolate like no other.

I was at work yesterday and it was snack time. I went to go buy an apple on the floor above mine.

And to my great surprise there was a sign that said FREE CAKE right next to where you could buy the apples.

So I made the economic choice and got myself a free normal-sized piece of cake.

(This is where Ed gets really loud—I used to eat the ENTIRE cake and throw up at work then go workout)

But this time I fought that voice and was like no I want the damn cake and I can have it.

So I got my little plate and fork and walked out into the stairwell to go back to my floor. As I balance the cake in one hand I feel around for my keycard I realize it's not in my pockets. I left it next to the cake upstairs.

So now I'm locked out of all the floors with no phone and no one really works on Saturday so I just had to wait until someone came out. What better way to waste time than eat free cake? I know right?

I stood in front of my floor's door eating the cake slowly and fighting Ed's mean voices. When halfway through a bite someone comes out of the door and almost runs me and my cake over.

Total fat kid moment. Just eating cake in the stairwell by myself haha

I blurt out "HOLDDUHDOOR" and gave the girl a smile like I'm Kristen Wigg in Bridesmaids.

And that's my story.

But the moral is how monumental this was for me. I had cake and ate it too. I didn't throw up or force myself to have more or starve later or workout. I just did what 'normal' people do. And I was able to enjoy making a fool of myself.

What I'm currently dealing with though is body image. Even though I did well that time it makes me anxious thinking about the extra calories I had on top of my meal plan. And tonight I'm going to my friend's party and I know I'll have up to three drinks most likely two. So now I want to do an extra half hour of working out but that's disordered but I guess in this case I can't have my beer and drink it too (am I totally not understanding how that saying goes? Haha).

So I can't bear to look at myself in the mirror. For the past two weeks I haven't looked at anything but my face in the mirror. I'm avoiding my body. It tells me everyday that I've gained weight and that's the truth. I'm having a really hard time dealing with that. The bus is shaking right now so my stomach jiggles. My pants are tight—my 'fat pants' are tight. I'm ashamed and I hate my body. I was never happy with it when I was sick—but some days in a twisted way I was I liked my bones and the way people would gawk at me now I don't know what the truth is. I want to know if I'm ok and ok for me still means being attractive. But the way I've slowly started calming these thoughts down is that what's attractive is different for everyone. So I won't make everyone happy and even if I did then what? I keep wanting to be happy—permanently. Uncomfortable feelings like being angry, sad, depressed, in a funk are things I want to avoid and for many reasons I think that in order to be permanently happy I just have to be pretty.

Our culture associates being happy with being successful and successful is having it all, being attractive and having people like you and the way people like you is if you're attractive. It's burned into our brains that we must strive for better and that what we have now isn't good enough we need more, less, something different.

I'm only just learning this.

I'm also learning that being sad is ok. Being awkard is ok. Being mad is ok. That that is life. This really is a new realization to me. I just related those feelings with being a failure. And I don't want to fail so i must constantly work on my appearance to be happy. I hope this is making sense to you because it's sure helping me.

It's comforting to know that I can feel other things rather than happiness and that it's ok and that it's normal.

So right now, me having terrible body image is ok. It's going to pass. Like I said I'm trying to not think about it because I will trigger myself in fact as I write this I'm flexing different parts of my legs, and clutching my jaw. I'm so tense and uncomfortable in my skin. And it's always there which is hard. God this is so hard. Oh yea God! He has a plan for me and he knows this is fucking tough but he doesn't give me anything I can't handle and everything will be ok.

Plus, when I think about it I never liked how I looked when I was thin and now that I'm whatever I am, fat, I still don't like it. so I might as well be healthier in other aspects and unhappy than sick and unhappy.

And to be honest I have boobs now and it's awesome. So that's got to count for some of the weight right?

J

Ok I'm done.

God bless.