Oh. Doh.

Sho. I'm starting to get the hang of being proactive in my recovery.
It took me about three weeks to flail my arms around and scream random things in the dark until I calmed down and turned the light on-but BY GOLLY I'VE DONE IT.

Who am I?

Ok anyway, so. Yesterday I had two glasses of wine with a friend. And I was monitoring myself the entire time...why do I like this feeling? Why did it just take the server to ask me "And what will you drink?" to get me to throw everything I've been saying out the window?

And I realized it's the feeling of calm, of happiness, of being ok. When I am buzzing I don't feel all of the confusion that I do when I'm sober. I don't have to listen to the battling thoughts. I don't hear Ed. I just feel calm, happy and like everything is ok.

Now, this may have been obvious to others but it's a good thing I caught on.

The booze was an escape from my recovery. From how fucking hard this is. But what I'm doing now in recovery is learning how to get those happy, calm feelings on my own.

I'm still very black and white with my thinking. It's either restrict or binge. Don't workout or go every day. It's exhausting...but this realization will help me immensly.

Just like anyone else I need moderation in my life. So yes I can have a cookie on a random day. And yes I can skip two days of working out. And yes I will have hard body image days - but that doesn't mean I'm relapsing.

It's all about getting to the middle.

I find it's easiest to do this when I get outside of my head.

Por ejemplo.

Today I saw a girl that I barely knew in college at the gym. When I did see her it was at parties and I remember her and her friends telling me how jealous they were of how skinny I was.

Ed threw a fit.

I am 20 lbs heavier than the girl she used to envy and here I am getting naked in front of her in the locker room. I think anyone would freak a little bit.

It was very hard to not run and hide, or workout for hours on end and skip dinner. The shame of my new body overwhelmed me.

But I was able to counter those thoughts and do a normal workout as well as eat.

Even more surprisingly I called my mom for help. She said "well what did you think of her when you saw her?"

"Uh that she looked pretty and was nicer than I remember." - so nothing really about her weight.

And my mom pointed out that even if the girl did go say something to her friends then screw her. I don't need people like that in my life.

But still even as I type this I can hear her saying "she used to have an eating disorder but now she's fat."

Sigh.

But overall I'm over it.

Good things:

1. Secret Santa was yesterday. I got socks.
2. It didn't pour on me today.
3. I had a killer workout
4. I finally wrote my boyfriend and his parents their Christmas card
5. I wore my new boots today.
6. I'm going to go shower. YES.

Good night God bless