Intensive Outpatient : Thank God for Headphones

I'm at work.
I mean no I'm not.
Shit.
This post will only take ten minutes, and I didn't go on my walk today (Ed thinks that's bad. A ping of regret hits me as I type that. SHUT UP you walk everywhere it's ok if you miss one walk).
Ah. Anyway.
My coworkers are talking about the salads they ate for lunch. Then I think about the pasta salad I had (with sausage, peas, dressing and beans) I automatically think...FAT. Why can they have a salad and my meal plan makes me eat all this stuff with so many calories? Fat? And carbs?
On top of that I've been very black and white with my thinking. Which is a habit I have had all my life so basically it's not a habit, it's how I think.
I see every bite as something I have to work off. For some reason I've forgotten that food isn't just calories. It's not a punishment or a reward. It's fuel that my body knows how to use and needs all sorts of different foods and for different reasons.
Yesterday in treatment we learned about carbs and why we need them. I can't really remember why, something about glucose and energy and satiety.
I haven't worked out ONCE this week, in 5 days. That scares the shit out of me but honestly I'm tired. I wanted to hang out with my friends but Ed is nagging at me to get in there and go. However it's been so long that I feel all is lost and I'm just getting even bigger so why start now. ALL HOPE IS LOST.

Seriously that's what's been circling in my head. It's getting harder and harder to stop these thoughts and counter them. But at least I'm aware I'm doing it right? And writing now is calling Ed out.

I'm having a hard time not isolating and going into THE DEEP DARK PLACE. You know the one where you just really can't think of anything good. Or just when you start to think of something good something bad happens and that spark is lost? Well I'm there.

HOWEVER! Your guys' response to my last post was amazing. Oh hey there's that positive stuff. I had quite a few messages, texts and calls from you and I can't thank you enough because that's what I needed. To remind me I'm worth it that there's hope etc. Ok now I feel better. So how about this...

I keep telling Ed that I need food and food isn't bad. And that I need exercise in order to relieve stress NOT to punish myself or lose weight.

Today I can do things that nourish my mind body and soul and in the end that means following my meal plan, working out and hanging out with my friends tonight.

For now all I can do is turn myself over to work and listen to music that reminds me of happier times.

God bless.