Intensive Outpatient : Rollercoaster

You like rollercoasters? Just take me for a ride—wait. No.

So I'm all over the fucking place.

Happy. Sad. Losing my mind. Serene. Calm. Fucking pissed off.

In the time it took me to take out my laptop on the bus and turn it on I went through so many emotions.

I sat down. Made eye contact, smiled at the cute black guy across from me—delighted. Then another guy used my laptop for support as he fell over—pissed off. The awkward red head across from me won't stop squinting his eyes, fidgeting, laughing at me then looking at his phone. I'm super tense now. Fack. I was so happy a bit ago. Oh wait. I'm mean, I don't think he's all there.

  

Ok so I'm feeling better. Long story short I've had a terrible week.

My boyfriend is in Madrid, 9 hour time difference so I'm basically dating my phone and computer for a month a week. Wah.

Then I have totally been abusing alcohol.

After my breakdown on Tuesday about my body image I realized I just didn't want to think anymore. Guys I'm tired. I'm really fucking tired of going to treatment 3 times a week. Working two jobs. Trying to workout normally. Have a social life. And find time for me at the same time. I'm sick of having to plan my next meal and think about m exchanges. I'm tired of spending most of my time on the bus commuting. I'm tired of having these black and white thoughts. Of being sad. Of being angry. Of being confused.

But then I realized that's why I'm thinking, working, commuting, doing my meal plan—so all of this will get easier. It will get easier.

So yes I started drinking, excessively. Which means that I binged and purged after each time.

I went to the Seahawks game on Sunday and was so excited to do it sober. It's already an awesome experience—why drink? And yet I was brown bagging it at 11. Sigh. Ok moving on from the past…so basically I was in a bad spot, really losing hope, seeing myself fall back into old patterns but then I had my session with my dietician and nutritionist and my core group yesterday.

There was light. There was hope. I was told that I am ok. That I need to not toy with not drinking but actually do it. that I am still working and I haven't lost it all. That I'm not that girl anymore, I can't erase 3 months of treatment. I'm still on my way, it's just taking a lot longer than I thought.

My therapist pointed out that I just want the end result, I don't want to do the work. True.

Anyway, I woke up today so happy to not be hung over. I was wearing my new boots and coat ($20 from value village thank you) and listening to the Resolution 2013 playlist.

I realized that I have so much going for me, I'm ok, and this is going to be a good day.

I get to work and read emails; I messed up on a couple things. That's it; I'm losing my job and have to go back to treatment because obviously I can't focus.

Cha Cha texts me and calls me Bella, says I have a surprise tomorrow. Oh I'm so lucky, I'm so happy, how could I ever think anything was wrong?

IT'S SO EXHAUSTING BEING ME!

But now that I write that I realize it's not just me. Yes maybe my ups and downs are a little more dramatic because of my disease BUT I think it's human nature. The more I open up honestly to my friends and you guys the more I hear similar fears, patterns, worries and just stuff that we're all going through. It calms me down.

I had a good day overall at work but lately I'm very confused as to what food is for. I was really hungry today when I had scheduled myself to work out.

"Don't eat; you're just going to have to work it off."
"Eat you're hungry."
I ate which then made me go "well you fucked it up—eat everything now."

I ended up eating my normal snack then working out.

Listening to Nero to drown out the thoughts "100 calories, that's like the cheese stick you just ate."

Exercise is supposed to bring me joy, relieve stress, not to lose weight—not anymore anyway.

Anyway, so I'm proud of myself for combatting everything that's going through my head. I realize I had given up for a while. I don't blame me either. This is exhausting but now I'm back on track. I want this so badly, I want freedom.

So I just had dinner group which was great. I love going to the center even though the commute sucks. We have mindfulness (where you acknowledge your thoughts but don't make judgment—super fucking hard) and today we had to close our eyes and feel an object (that we didn't know what it was) for 4 minutes then draw it.

Try it it's so weird.

But that was the first time since …well—ever…that I have focused on one thing that long.

Then we had dinner and it was comforting eating at the center. I ate my pot roast, acorn squash and brussel sprouts like a pro (even though I could see the fat on the plate from the food).

After I processed with my group. I talked about everything I'm saying here. How I'm just very up and down. And how I'm confused as to why I need to eat and what exercise is right now. BUT I am seeing my disorder and distancing myself from it—I forgot to do that.

This is the longest most random post. I just went to Value Village aka Nordstrom for me and I got a Santa advent calendar, owl earrings and a present for a friend.

I was stuck in line behind this woman that bought 3 carts worth of stuff. I was trying to analyze her from the outside (while suppressing the urge to throw my stuff on the ground and walk out) and I couldn't. She looked very well kept, clean but her weird obsession with the most random shit was appalling.

I told the guy that works there that I don't know how he handles people like that. He said he doesn't know either.

As I stood in line a lady was scooting around in her wheel chair was showing me her snow globe she found that had a husband and a wife and how it says her name but who cares if she can't read. She then exclaimed I can't believe I didn't buy anything! And to think I went through my granddaughter's piggy bank for nothing…

I totally judged this mad woman to be a well mad woman but she was fucking sharp and funny.

Gah. I don't know how to end this other than I'm learning things constantly. Like today I learned that I can live healthfully and my life isn't over. And that I spend too much time at Value Village. And that you can't judge someone from the outside because you don't really know what's going on inside. And that I really suck at long distance relationships.

Good night.