Inspired Hopeful and Dare I Say It...Happy?

I'm in a better place than I was yesterday. 

I didn't have a perfect day, like totally happy not disordered day, but I'm realizing that that is ok. That it would be really weird if I was Suzie Sunshine all the damn time-I'd annoy myself.

But really though accepting where I'm at and who I am right in this moment is bringing me peace. Also, by turning negatives into positives.

So my day started off by watching this little guy run into the light rail and his owner chasing him (he wasn't supposed to go to the airport).

Then went to work...yaddayaddaya. I am having trouble focusing. I always have but it's getting worse. I mentioned this to my psychiatrist today but she doesn't want to test me for ADD until I get this disorder under control-but says I have a valid point.

I had a 2 hour harassment seminar thing-some people are so strange.

I got to Skype with my man at work which was fun, a nice way to break up the day.

Then left work at 3 on the dot in order to make my 4 psychiatrist appointment. I don't usually meet with her but long story short she and I both agree I need to be on Prozac and that I need to stay in the level of care I'm in (even though it's supposed to be over soon).

After that I went on a walk and talked to my brother who fucking kicks ass and I can't wait until he gets a girlfriend because she's got to be one amazing girl to catch my brother's eye. He just got a 4.0 in his hardest quarter, he's looking at grad schools in Colorado, Florida, Oregon (ewe) and is tall, handsome, and the chillest kid I've ever met. Guess which one is the problem child?

So another good thing was that I thought I looked pretty today. I had Thrift Shop stuck in my head as soon as I woke up and he talks about Grandma's and sweaters so that's what I wore. Honestly, I think  my face and hair are pretty-maybe prettier than I ever have-but the rest of me-eh let's not go there but that's progress!

So yes treatment went-ok. I am trying to change my schedule so I go one more day than I already do so I reinforce treatment on more days. Also, that would actually give me a day off since I currently go from 1-8 on my Sundays.

After we ate dinner the girls and I all talk. It was brought up that they (like 4 of the 5 of us) are sick of treatment. They hate ED. They don't have behaviors (meaning bingeing, purging, restricting etc) and that they just don't want to be at the center anymore.

And immediately my head goes, they hate you and your Ed. You are less than them. You are not sick of the center and want to go more. You are the girl that they hate. You are a failure. You are not healthy and they are, why can't you get it?

But then I calmed myself down by being honest and open with the girls. Saying exactly how I felt, but countering it with "comparison is the thief of joy" and that every one's recovery is different.

So yes right  now I am not healthy, I am struggling, but I am taking the steps to recover and help myself rather than continue to fight with no help...you know?

Even though I'm trying to stay positive ....

I will say though that I'm having a very hard time fighting the thoughts of regret for not working out since Saturday. I didn't go on as many walks today because I talked to Raul and I got a ride home from treatment. It's hard to combat the regret and the mean thoughts pushing me to go workout and telling me I'm fat and I'm getting fatter and I don't deserve to eat. Sigh. But I am fighting them!

Ok time to talk to my sexy Spaniard. Good night!