Merry Christmas To Me

So Christmas was a success. But it was very hard.

I woke up and helped to prepare breakfast.

Which was a big meal full of foods my Ed normally wouldn't let me eat. My anxiety skyrocketed as I tried to figure out if I was going to be able to measure my meal and exchanges out exactly.

I got through it and fought the voice in me saying "don't you dare put butter on that. Jam? Why do you  need jam? That's extra calories." But I lived.

Then onto present opening which was nice. I love seeing the look on other's faces when they see what I got them.

Even though breakfast was three hours ago I started to get hungry for lunch. So I had that. It was fine. No one in my family ate-Ed was saying things like "why are you eating fatty? no one else is eating? Remember how much you ate at breakfast?" I calmed myself down by knowing that my meal plan is to maintain my weight not explode it.

Then came movie time. Lincoln. It is very long. And the idea of having to sit in the car on the way to the movie then sit and wait for the movie, watch the movie then sit on the way home overwhelmed me. No, I can't do it. I just can't.

My hands start to shake and I am like a two year old in a stroller- GET ME OUT.

So my parents understood and saved me a seat so I could walk around before the movie.

Their support is so vital and necessary in my recovery and I'm so happy that they are starting to understand my disease rather than disreguard it.

The movie was awesome. Go see it. 

We left which means it's dinner time.

I'm incredibly anxious and fidgety from sitting for so long when my dad asks me to help with dinner.

Yes let's hang around all the food when I feel like a cow.

NO THANK YOU.

So I hung out with the veggies - made a salad.

I couldn't calm down though. I hadn't gone on any real walks, I'd eaten more fattening foods then I have in a long time without throwing up and my pants seemed to get tighter by the second. Life was crashing down on me as I knew it...Ed is so dramatic.

I prayed, I called a friend, I listened to music, I tried talking it out but nothing helped.

Until we sat down and started to watch Rudolph with our grand dinner of sammies. 

I cleaned up the dishes immediately after finishing dinner. It made me feel better. And yet the food was calling my name. Everyone was out in the living room munching away and all the desserts and extra food was right there ALL FOR ME! But I white knuckled it and made it through.

To give you an idea of how backwards my mind is...after having such a huge fear of overeating as soon as my mom goes for the goodies after dinner. I immediately want them too.

So I have white chocolate peppermint bark. Just a smidgen. But it was good. 

Then comes the ride home. My dad of course takes the longest way home. Again I had to use all my mind power to calm the fuck down in the car instead of wriggle out of it. 

I get home and have my snack.

Then made my facebook status: 
This is the first Christmas in 10 years that I have not 

1) binged
2) purged
3) drank

Merry Christmas to me!

60 people-including myself liked it. I don't even think that many people wish me a happy birthday. I felt and feel so loved.

10 is a lot of  Christmases to ruin and I sadly, when calling out that double digit number, I wasn't being dramatic. Literally every single Christmas has been ruined by my disease. Self-loathing. Depression. Fear. And while this one was tough. I didn't let my bulimia, anorexia, overeating habits get in the way. 

But ... here I am a day later, feeling like I'm back at square one.

There was left over everything from my coworkers. I had some delicious fudge that made me want the cake in the break room. 

"Please Eat" - GODDAMNIT

So I started eating it and I realized I wasn't exactly eating it rather inhaling it. So I tossed it out. Ed yelling at me. But then I say no I want it I'll have it. So I try it again eating is slowly. But with each bite I like it less and regret it more.

I was so strong yesterday. And now I'm incredibly anxious, even sweating and hot from my decision. I can't sit down for fear of feeling my legs get fatter. My heart is racing-which reminds me of how many people with this die from heart attacks. Is it too late? Have I screwed myself over already?

So this is my attempt to calm down, get out of my head. But it's not really working. That one piece of cake and fudge won't make me fat. I need to step back, breathe. Thank God I go see my nutritionist today.

God bless. Happy New Year!