Intensive Outpatient : FAT

This fucking sucks. I can't be positive right now. I can't take it. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't make the thoughts go away. I can't feel better.

My entire body is tense. My jaw is permanently clenched.

I hate it. I hate my body. I hate it so much.

I can't look at it.

I can't stop thinking about my weight gain.

I am so ashamed.

I am so uncomfortable.

I have worked SO HARD for the past 11 years to NOT look this way.

And now I've failed.

I have no control over anything.

I have been holding this in for three weeks now and trying SO  FUCKING HARD to make myself feel better and tell myself it's ok.

But it's not ok. I am not supposed to weight this much. My pants are not supposed to be tight. I am not supposed to have this fat on my stomach. I cannot be a size 32. I cannot weigh 150. I can't I just can't. I'm breaking. I want my disorder back. I want to be thin. I don't like the new me. I can't take it. I can't get it out of my head. Every movement. Every piece of clothing I have. Every time I see my relfection. I'm reminded of my failure. I can't do this.

I don't want to eat. I don't want this weight on me. I want to be thin again.

I'm so confused. I know that Ed is bad. I know that it's not the answer but this sucks. It's SO much harder than I thought it would be and I'm so lost. I'm so ashamed and angry.

I can't get the thoughts out of my head. It is impossible for me right now to believe that size doesn't matter. That weight doesn't matter. That I am still attractive. That I am still ok.

Nothing fits anymore, none of my pants except my fattest of the fat pants. Those were my comfort and now they are my norm.

I tried shopping today for new clothes and making it exciting but it was not helpful. I just kept going up in sizes. HOW DID I GAIN SO MUCH WEIGHT? How did I get so big? How come other girls can fit into size 4 and I can't?

I really can't find peace right now. I really just want to be happy and feel better. I don't how to feel better. I can't live in sweats, I can't hide from everything but that's all I want to do. I want to go to bed and never leave.

I hate that I worked so hard in treatment and still am and that this is how I feel. When does it get easier? When do I get to say that "I know what you're going through and it took me time to get there but you'll get there."? WHEN DO I GET THERE?

I don't know what else to do. I'm bawling right now. Disgusting, snot dripping, mascara running, awkward noises crying.It's helping?

I have just tried everything it seems. And it's just hard to be me right now I guess.

And that sounds so petty, there are much worse things in life but right now at this point in my recovery this is where I'm at and this is the worst thing.

My worst fears, of being the size I was in high school, have come true. And I hate it. I hated that girl. I hated how confused she was. How lonely she was. How angry she was and ever since I left fucking Bothell High School I've never wanted to go back to that girl. And now I am that size and I am that confused angry sad girl.

Everything I've worked for is gone. And no matter what I do, whether I'm 120 or 220 it doesn't seem like I'll be happy.

I see how disordered all of this is but right now that's where I'm at.

The only thing that I know isn't disordered is the fact that I'm now fat. The scale shows it and so do my clothes and that's the worst part. There's no minipulation, there's facts that I am  fat and my worst fears have come true.

I'm sorry I've got nothing else but this right now. Tomorrow is another day and God has His plan for me. It's just hard to stay positive right now.