"Learning is a life long process. You are never too old to learn."

"Learning is a life long process. You are never too old to learn."


I don't know who said that, but I googled learning quotes and baddabingbaddaboom. Zer you go.


Once out of school the tests are over, the studying ceases and never again will you have to have the agonizing choice of "is it C or D? Damn. C. It's always C."


HA ya right. I learn all the time. School was just helping you get ready for the rest of your life. 


I hope everyone can tell when I'm being sarcastic by now. If not I AM BEING SARCASTIC RIGHT NOW. 


To prove my point, that even though I am no longer in school, I am still a bright bulb, here is what I learned in my short jaunt to work this morning.

1. Put deoterant on AFTER you put on a dark shirt.
2. Always bring an umbrella. NO MATTER IF IT'S SUNNY. You live in Seattle. It WILL rain on you.
3. "Slippery when wet," is a real warning, not just a funny sexual inudeno.
1. No, really, the ground is slippery when wet, you need to not run down wet hills.
1. YOU WILL FALL.
4. When you have headphones on no one can hear the music you are dancing to, instead you just look like you have to pee.
5. Make sure your button-up shirt is buttoned ENTIRELY before leaving the house. This will save the nice, elderly woman from having to tell you she can see your bra--and so can the rest of the bus.
6. I need to always make sure my shoes have some sort of traction on the bottoms.
1. YOU WILL FALL otherwise.
7. If the shoes hurt your feet when you put them on, they will keep hurting, so don't buy them.
1. I DON'T CARE HOW CUTE THEY ARE.
8. No matter how much I work out, after two flights of stairs I will always be breathless.
9. Make sure your backpack is zipped up before leaving the house, not when you see your lunch rolling in front of you.
10. You have a lot to learn Kristin.

:)

Back at Square One

For the past five months, 13 days and some odd hours I made the concious decision to not drink.

About 31 hours ago, I changed my mind.

The beer, liquor, drugs and temptations in the form of tall, dark, handsome and muscular surrounded me at Paradiso. The sun was shining, everyone was partying and I wanted a beer-bad. Not like I needed it to have fun, because we know my party pants are always on, but for some reason I just wanted to drink. I wanted to be drunk and "get weird." (as everyone was saying...NEVER heard that until yesterday).

And well. Shit got weird.

I was good at first and could barely finish my first two brewskis because I was nursing them-"I remember my first beer." I was enjoying them and the little buzz I had. I was golden.

But then I hit that point. And we all know what I'm saying. The one where stopping doesn't enter your mind, but more booze does, and fuck ya it's a great idea.

So I drank. I got uh weird. I was running around, being social, saying whatever the hell I wanted to because I am not familiar with what a filter is when I'm drinking and having a grand ol' time.

I danced my face off, like I would have sober. I made out with dudes, like I would have if I wasn't so shy sober haha And was friendly as all get out, like I am sober. Only thing different is I am 99% sure my speech was 1. slurred more than normal 2. I was louder than normal 3. I fell over more than normal.

I don't regret it. Since I started to see alcohol as something that caused more harm than good in my life I've only drank twice. TWICE since December 9th. That's awesome coming from a girl who would drink Wed-Sunday funday for like 4 years in college. 

But I also don't  regret it because it taught me some things, made me think.

I don't have the urge to drink again. And it's not like the "ugh I am so hung over I'm never drinking again" - fast forward 12 hours later and you've got a beer in hand not drinking again. What I mean is I don't need it. 

I don't need the remorse in the morning.
I don't need the panic of not being able to find my phone, ID, cash or dignity.

I don't need the I just want to sleep but can't because I feel nauseous.

I don't need to have to ask, shit how many did I actually have? What was that dude's name? Where did I go? Why did I send those texts?

I don't need alcohol to have fun.
Last night was a blast and I wouldn't change a thing, but it just doesn't do it for me anymore. I used to drink to be ok with myself, to get out of my shell, to not feel left out and well now that I'm getting to know who I am, be ok with who I am it just doesn't have a purpose anymore.

I'd rather spend my calories on a DQ Oreo Blizzard thank you.

So alcohol, we had a good ride, it was fun but I just think we are headed in different directions. We want different things. I mean you're great, it's not you, it's me. 

Or well to be honest-I deserve better.

Fuck You Fries

I couldn't stop staring at this. Anyone realize what's wrong here? Anyone?

If you said: The fries have barely been touched. 

YOU ARE CORRECT!

Those fries belonged to my brother, Steven.

Dad, Steven and I were at Blue Moon Burger for Fathers' Day.

I hadn't seen either one of them in way too long.

And here I sit staring at fried potatoes.

I had to consciously drag my mind away from how much I wanted to eat those fries, and my bewilderment as to why Steven hadn't devoured them yet.

The kid couldn't stop talking about the amazing work he'd just finished doing at Whipple Observatory in Arizona with a professor. His burger sat, with a perfect bite taken out of it, lonely, unnoticed as all of his attention went to trying to explain to me different physics terms, facts, theories and other super intelligent thingys.

Poor burger. If I wouldn't throw you up and hate myself for eating your delicious, fattening, greasy goodness I'd have never let you sit there for so long.

The third time I had to say "Wait. What?" to Steven I realized just how much attention I was giving his food, that I was so inside my own head and my obsession and my twisted thinking that I was ignoring my little brother talking about one of the coolest experiences he's ever had. That's fucking stupid that I do that. And yet I do. That burger and fries was like an open bar to an alcoholic. Or dangling drugs in front of an addict.

I had to laugh at myself though. Realizing that this really is a disease, a physical, mental and emotional disease. Which led me to realize how different I am. And not just because of my disease but just how different of a person I am from my brother.

And at first I was ashamed.

(please keep in mind my wheels are turning and working this through as I try to understand spectro-something theories and hold conversations with my family haha)

Steven talked so passionately, excitedly about his work at the observatory. He showed me pictures to point out what he was talking about. He cared whether or not I got what he was talking about. It made me admire him even more than I already do.

So then my mind wandered to: What have I done lately? Oh ya I wrote about tie-dye tutu tee shirts. And my new zit cream is so not working, but at least my eyelashes look pretty today. And I um get my hair done on Monday. COOL LIFE.

I made the comment that I was too stupid to get what was being talked about. And as soon as the words left my lips something inside me said "no you're not." And the fact that, on my own that came up as a red flag is huge improvement. That instead of continuing to put myself down I stood up for me (it's  fun fighting with yourself).

Then, by the grace of God, I began to embrace and make fun of the differences between myself and my brother.

The burgers and fries were their splurge. Mine was having ketchup and a couple fries. And Parmesan cheese on my chicken.

And that's ok. Because that's who I am. That's where I am at in life.

It's ok that when Steven said helium I immediately thought of sucking the air out of balloons and talking in funny voices rather than it as an element.

That when I heard the words "Super Nova" I didn't think of an exploding star but rather Zenon Girl of the 21st Century.

And it's even kind of cool that I started jotting down notes in my phone so I could remember what I wanted to blog about later.

Because while I am not a scientist, I am a writer.

There are a lot of things I'm not, but that makes me who I am. And I'm learning to stop fighting that and embracing it. So kids, and you should try this too, here are five things I really like about myself.

1. I like my witty sarcasm
2. I like the shape of my lips
3. I like that I will dance at any time and anywhere 
4. I like that I wear a ring on each finger
5. I like that I have a blog (and if I may add to that-I like that you're reading it)

Now those are not that exciting, cool and really quite random but they help make me who I am. And who I am is slowly becoming ok and I'm slowly becoming ok with who I am.

For your viewing pleasure:

Rants. No Raves. Just Rants.

I am incredibly jealous and bitter. And I don’t like it.

But wah I can’t help it.

Por ejemplo.

Today I worked 7:15 am to 4 pm. My coworker worked 8:15 to 4 pm. Hmmm that doesn’t make sense does it? I did like 25% more than I usually do AND made edits to live events which took about 45 minutes out of my day.

So I’m mad that I didn’t get to show up late or leave early.

I’m also butt hurt that I’m making the live edits so someone else can enjoy their weekend instead of have to work remotely from home. I AM SUCH A MEAN PERSON.

I’m also pissed off that even though I said I could work my other job Sunday / Monday that doesn’t mean I WANT TO WORK ALL DAY EACH DAY. Meaning I have no weekend. Meaning I am tired. Meaning I am being a bratty brat brat.

Hm what else can I complain about?

Oh I’m jealous of everyone I see on facebook that ‘ has it all together. ‘ The ones who have found love, their other half, their best friend. I’m jealous that they can put up pictures of their rings and their stereotypical, yet always so fucking adorable, holding hands picture in the sunset. Or playing with their damn dog. I don’t even really like dogs but it just makes the picture that much sweeter. SO SCREW YOU NOT SINGLE PEOPLE (I can’t think of the word for not single.) and your damn happiness and giddiness and movie nights in and texts saying “I love you” just because you can. Really you should feel awful that somehow I am still single and no where near finding that shpecial shomeone. I mean, come on, I’m SOFUCKINGCHARMING.

I wish I could read my blog posts aloud to you all so you knew the incredible amount of sarcasm I’m using currently.

I’m also jealous of people who travel. How can they do that? Just pick up and go? Aren’t they scared? So I’ll just sit here at my little laptop and whine about how cool they are and how much I wish I was like them but will never be. Because THAT’S productive.

Lastly, am very bitter when it comes to jobs and money. I want more money so I’m not just making ends meet. I want to travel for my position. I want to see and be seen. I want to interact with clients and have lunches paid for. I want to stay in a hotel FO FREE and get to check ‘business’ when booking a flight. Why don’t I have this? Why has it not been handed to me? Goddamnit.

So, as always, there’s something to be learned here.

I worked harder than my coworker therefore benefiting myself and my team and the company. So HOORAH! I don’t think you’re supposed to say this but I hope karma gets me for this one.

I DON’T WANT TO GET MARRIED OR HAVE A DOG OR KISSY PICTURES. Like in reality I really don’t. Not now. I do want to find that tall dark and handsome man that will make me feel unlike anything I’ve ever felt before and that will love me for me and all of me…but I’m so weird and uh so totally Kristin that I don’t see that happening. And like I said. I don’t really like dogs.

I can totally travel just like anyone else if I swallow my fear. If I use my energy towards being proactive and not being jealous that’ll probably get tickets in my hands faster than sulking. God I sound like my mother.

I have a great job. I like my job. We have so much freedom and are able to use our creativity. Plus I can make my own schedule. Plus everyone I work with is awesome. Plus I write about tutus and glitter for goodness sakes. AND why not perfect my skills here and be thankful for what I have instead of daydreaming about what could be? God has a plan and a path and I just need to be open to it.

Now it’s this bitch's naptime.

What I Learned In Church Today

So I've been really having a hard time.
One second I'm fine. The next I'm convinced that my best friend hates me, I've gained 10 pounds and that I really should just up and move to a sunny, foreign country to make something of myself. I feel like I'm back at the starting line of recovery, and that I'm doing it all wrong.
It's not supposed to be this hard, this confusing, hurt this much, or be so tiring.
Aren't I supposed to be getting better? Why am I so sad? Why can't I just stop thinking about what I ate, what I haven't ate, when I worked out, how I look, what you're thinking of me?

I AM SO SICK OF IT.

A friend reminded me that while living your life in the moment, you have to focus on your recovery in the moment. I don't have to see how much farther up the hill I've got to climb or look down to see my progress, I have to look at what I'm doing right now.

The second song of worship today was about how God is making me new.
He's constantly working, He's never done. And rather having that be depressing like I'm never good enough, it's more of a feeling of hope. That I can always learn, I can always be better and I can always grow. How invigorating, inspiring, refreshing.

When Pastor Paul's wife prayed she said something that struck me. Help us be ok with who we are right now. Not with what we are trying to accomplish, how much farther we have to go, but just be content with who He has made us.

It makes me feel better that these strangers around me in church need these words too. Even though they have families, are married, look put together, everyone needs help, everyone feels down sometimes.

So I guess now what I do is continue to learn about Him, learn about my faith, and accept instead of fight who He's made me.