It's Not My Fault

Yesterday was a good day overall.
So was the day before that.
I mean they were hard and I had to constantly fight Ed but really I was in control and I was happy.

So today threw me for a loop.
I woke up with an off feeling.
I never know where to place the blame or how to combat it. But it almost feels like an inevitable binge purge day (yes that's probably where my problem is...but I do try to do everything in my power to not think that way).
But it didn't work.
I just finished bingeing and purging consecutively.
It's a Saturday night.
I should be with AA people hanging out.
I should have gone to the meeting.
I should have not opened that box of that one thing that led to me opening all the boxes, bags, containers, cartons of all things.
But I did and I can't change the past.
And while I feel like shit physically, something came over me mentally.
I got mad.
And for once I didn't get mad at myself. I didn't get mad at the food. Mad at my "too tight pants." Mad at "those fuckin' skinny bitches with big boobs (HOW DO THEY DO IT?)".
I got mad at Ed.
I just finished saying something like this out loud to myself while cleaning up my kitchen (because I stared at the box of food that started it all cursing it for tempting me) when I realized that it's not the foods fault, it's not the clothes, the media, the girls, the guys (even though none of these help) and it's NOT MY FAULT.
It's the fact that I'm powerless over this disease. It's a disease that's cunning and attacks both your physical, mental and emotional person.
I'm powerless over it. And what I do is not my fault. So getting upset that I fucked up again. Cursing random food. The Victoria's Secret models...isn't going to help.
Because I'm always pointing my finger elsewhere Ed was skirting the blame.
So instead of beating myself up and trying to find out where "I messed up" I need to find out where HE got in. What HE did. What HE said. What HE made me believe. And I need to get rid of it. To change it. Not me. Because the real me would never treat myself like this.

Even though I'm powerless over this disease it doesn't mean I'm helpless.

Now I'm going to rehydrate and watch Weeds. Good night.

When I stay at home and in bed

It's easier to stay at home and in bed because then I don't have to go through the torture of getting ready in the morning. From under my covers I'm not faced with the relentless not good enough comments. I don't come across yet another outfit I'm too fat for. I put on the shame for my looks easier than I can a pair of shorts.

When I stay at home and in bed I don't have to face people. I don't have to catch their looks, glances, judgements. I don't have to wonder if I'm being checked out by the guys headed south on my bus. I don't have to fear how fat I'll feel when I sit down. I don't have to play mind games and wonder what everyone is thinking. "Are they making fun of me?  I look like I'm trying too hard. I don't look good enough. I should've stayed home."

When I stay at home and in bed I don't have to try to interact with people at work. I don't have to go through wondering if I'm good enough. "What does my manager really think of me? Why don't those co workers talk to me?"  I don't have to get so nervous that I literally can't talk. I don't get so anxious that I avoid walking past people that might talk to me. I don't have to fight the urge to eat the donuts someone brought in. I don't have to make myself to go on walks and debate if I should workout on my lunch break. I don't have to persuade myself to not eat my breakfast lunch and snack all I'm one sitting...hating myself the rest of the day.

When I stay at home and in bed I don't have to go to treatment and try to figure out the right thing to say to cure me.  I don't have to confess all my sins and weird habits. I don't have to think about how much this hurts, how entrapped I am. I don't have to see the skeleton 13 year old girls and have a sick jealousy toward them.

When I stay at home and in bed I don't have to make myself to go to the gym and exercise til it hurts.  I don't have to see the girls that are better looking than me and wonder how they do it and ask myself why can't I do that? What's wrong with me? I don't have to plan out what not to eat later and regret  what I ate earlier.

When I stay home and in bed I don't have to lie to ChaCha about how I'm doing. I don't have to worry about being a burden. I don't have to worry about getting tiring and annoying.

When I stay home and in bed I don't have to deal with Ed.

I don't have to answer to him. I don't have to be trapped in my own head. I don't have to go through the pain, anxiousness and confusion that is my life. 

It's easier if I stay at home and in bed.

F*ckingSh*tF*ck

I'm shook up.

I feel like I want to get sick.

Last night after I had a scary binge I swore I wouldn't do any eating disorder behaviors again.

But then I wake up this morning and start to overeat.

Ok I get it I'm powerless. Help me God. Fuckingshit help me.

They keep telling me to pray and act as if but I'm still doing these behaviors and I really don't want to but at the time I do and I can't seem to stop and that's where you come in and help me because I know I need help.

I want to step down my treatment but I think it's subconsciously fucking me up. Putting even more of a weight on bingeing, making it more forbidden so therefore I do it more.

Last night I binged so hard I had 12 muffins 4 grill cheeses and I could barely throw up without choking on my own puke.

That's how others die not me.

I am hoping that if I have a bad enough one that it'll force me to stop.

Like when I drank so badly that one day and I haven't had a drink since.

I'm calling today my binge purge sober day. Day one.

But then again I'm having a hard time not overeating at breakfast. Even when I don't want to…I just do it. Then I feel like shit about myself and I hate myself.

I loathe myself.

And I don't think watching Girls helped because Hannah is going through some weird shit on her own and then she meets up with Adam and now everything is better?
But it doesn’t work like that. No man can save me from this. Only God can and he doesn't seem to give a flying fuck.

Maybe I'm just too sick to see how he's working and helping but I  just want to be better and I work so hard but I can't work this hard all the time.

Is that the truth or just an excuse?
I feel like I use it as an excuse to use behaviors that I deserve to because I've been working to damn hard.

That really makes no sense. I've been working so hard to not use behaviors so to bring me relief I need to use behaviors?
I can't stop shaking because I feel so unsettled.

I feel like shit from BP and from lack of sleep.

I feel like shit from eating weird combinations of foods.

I feel like shit because I almost got hit by a bus on my bike and my nerves are through the roof.

I'm shaking. I can't stop shaking.

I feel so fat right now. Like all that food I ate last night already went to my thighs and ass.

I can feel it. Why did I do this again?
Why can't I stop?

Fuck you I fucking hate you.

I'm done with myself I'm so fucking done.

Update

I keep meaning to write but then I don't want to.
So I'm forcing myself to do it now.
It's like getting me to leave the house instead of isolate and eat all day...once I do it I'm happy it's just hard getting me to do it.

So...I've been following the Boston bombings (like the rest of you all) and am so fucking happy to hear they caught that fucker. It doesn't bring lives back though.

Today has been a hard day.

This morning I stayed at home until 11 (compare that to a 7 AM usual start) doing errand type things.

1. Quit my job at Bonneville Seattle where I did promotions for ESPN and 97.3 KIRO FM. It was great and I learned a lot but I just could never work and when I did I was always exhausted the next week. Plus, well, it didn't pay well. It was more for the experiences and people than anything.
2. I have been looking for a new job and found one! Yay! BUT they don't offer insurance at first. Insurance=my life. I need it to continue treatment. I looked into Cobra but they couldn't help me since I don't have 24 months of almost consecutive coverage. And that's thanks to those fuckers who stopped my coverage when I graduated college. So I was just fucking pissed all morning that something I wanted, deserved and needed was taken from me. And it's once again because of Ed and things out of my control. I hate that feeling. HATE IT. SO that's what set me off.
3. So so far I've declined two jobs and here's where maybe I'll gain one. I was a photo booth hostess last year and was let go because of my disease. Yes that's fucked up but I think the owner did have my best intentions at heart (I mean there's nothing BUT booze and food at weddings). BUT they are giving me another chance :)

So after all that I get to work out of my routine and try to start working.

Then I'm reminded by my mom that my Granny's birthday is today. The one who passed away in September. It's a very hard day for my dad and then I hear that he had to leave work early. My dad IS NOT emotional. So then I get upset. 

Then I start eating. I don't really realize it because it's lunch time. I'm not hungry and I'm not not hungry but here I am eating. And I don't stop. I still eat on my meal plan but I keep pushing it eating lunchsnackdinner in one sitting.

Oh shit. As soon as I come to I feel really full. I want to purge. I have to purge. OMG what did I do?

No. No you don't do that anymore. You want to get better and not need treatment? You need to talk back to Ed you need to defy him.

But it's so fucking uncomfortable. 

It won't make you feel better and it'll throw your day off more.

Call someone.

So I did. I called three friends and they all helped and I'm happy to say that I didn't purge.

This disease is a sneaky one but I'm onto him. I'm really just sick of him telling me what to do and how to do it.

Lately I've made these changes:

1. asked to step down to outpatient from intensive outpatient. I just can't handle going to work full time treatment then AA. Everything is falling a part around me and I'm spread so thin I can't do anything well.
2. I am working out every other day instead of every day. I realized that I have been resenting the gym because I would push myself to go to the gym when I actually had free time.  Plus then there's no room for other fun things which makes me sad and want to isolate.
3. I've had to work really hard at not future tripping. I want a new job and I want it now. But it doesn't work like that. When i hear other coworkers getting these amazing offers and things I'm like what's wrong wiht me? Why can't I get that? But no, in good time God will show me my way.
4. I've been working on not eating in front of the tv and or really taking the time to taste what I am eating. Slowing it down. It's helping me to show me when I'm full and what that feels like.

PS I was on the phone with the Cobra lady and I told her I had bulimia and she goes...what's that? And I was like uh seriouslY? In my head. I had to resist the urge to say I can read minds (from Zoolander) and tell her what I did to myself. She had heard of it but didn't know the extent of it.

CRAZY that something that has taken over my life someone else couldn't even be familiar with.

An Update...Thing.

I've been meaning to write.
But that would require effort.
That's not something I have much of lately.

(For those of you who know where I work please respect to keep this to yourself)

I can't get up for work in time to save my life. I have to bribe myself with a latte.

I don't want to go to the gym.

I would rather wear sweats-every day.

I keep cancelling my plans with friends.

It's much easier to do nothing than something.

But it's not like I've been doing NOTHING. I do a shit ton. And I think that's why I want to do nothing.

I'm tired. Really fucking tired.

I'm constantly sick from work stress and not being able to take time off.
I'm constantly sick from throwing up (this only happens weekly if that YAY!).
I'm constantly thinking, doing or acting on my two addictions (bulimia and alcoholism for you new kids).

I go to work, go to treatment, go to the gym, go to AA.
There's no time for me, whoever this person I'm becoming is doesn't get much time to herself.

I'm so exhausted by the end of the day or week I don't WANT to be social.
Sitting watching Girls and falling asleep early is much more appealing to me than going out into the terrifying world of my social life. So that's what I've been doing.

Something needs to change. I want recovery, but my steps to recovery is making my recovery suffer.

I'm going to once again ask my therapist to have my dinner group be on Wednesdays  (when I'm already there for nutrition and therapy). This way I'd have at least Tuesday and Thursday off during the week.

I don't want to point the blame in the wrong place though. I mean it's like a catch-22. I need to recover so I don't keep using behaviors to relax when I finally get a second. But I need to have more me time in order to be able to take time for myself which means less time dedicated to going to treatment or AA.

I'm at this crossroads right now.

I see where I can make recovery / non disordered choices and I see / hear when Ed is talking.
However no matter which option I choose I'm still pissing one or the other off.

Yesterday was day two of not working out in a row. BIG NO for Ed.
He was making me obsess over my pants and how tight they felt.
He was trying to convince me to not eat lunch.
He was trying to get me to go workout during work when I really should well be working.

BUT I was craving something sweet so I got zucchini bread. Yum.
I ate it. All of it. And I enjoyed it.

Then Ed was trying to make me go get more so I could throw up.
Then he changed his mind and told me just to not eat dinner.
Then he thought cancelling on group to go workout would be ok.
Then he thought about just eating green beans for dinner.

And all of this crazy, repetitive, nonstop thoughts made me so anxious and uncomfortable that I wish I hadn't eaten the damn bread. I realized that I don't go out on a limb or against Ed because of how loud he gets. It's just easier to follow his rules because then he leaves me alone for a bit.

However, what I ended up doing was praying for him to leave me alone, going to group, and eating everything on my meal plan. It was so fucking hard but I did it.

Luckily at group there was a speaker that talked about how hard this truly is. She talked about knowing those feelings of being out of control and anger and how you just have to sit through them. And that's what I did yesterday. It won't always be uncomfortable but it just royally sucks right now while it is.

Every time I keep defying him and pushing forward the stronger I get.

If it weren't for Ed I wouldn't need insurance and could have sought other job opportunities months ago. Just another example of everything he's taken from me. And I'm so sick of it.

So basically I'm fighting with him...and I'm a scrappy mean bitch when you really piss me off.

My Conversations With Ed

So I'm reading Life Without Ed.

And the author Jenni Schaefer writes out her conversations with Ed.

This morning Ed wouldn't shut up so I thought I'd give him some attention and try out Jenni's tactic.

Last night I went to one of my best friend's birthday celebrations and overall had a wonderful time. It was just hard to fight Ed off.

Me: everyone keeps saying I look good. Like more than they ever have.

Ed / me?: I brush off the compliments because they probably read your blog and feel sorry for you.

Me: why would someone lie? But I don't get why now I'm ok to them when I feel the least ok I've ever felt with my appearance. It confuses my will and drive to keep working out and eat less. How do I stay this way in which everyone seems to approve? (I see it's an issue I want to please everyone else but then again I can't trust myself. I don't know what I really look like or when I'm ok and all I want to be is ok).

Ed (In his kind voice): don't eat that, you feel really full.  

Me: I'm going to try it anyway. I know if I don't eat I'll end up BP later.

Ed (as I'm eating a taco): see it's gross and you can't even taste it because you are so nervous. These are your closest friends why can't you just relax? Why can't you be normal for once?

Me: I am paying more attention to you than them. (then I focused on my friends' conversation making some funny comment. It felt good and natural but didn't last long before I was confronted with Ed again).

Ed: you're the fattest one here. I can't believe you wore those tight jeggings and a tight shirt. Who do you think you are? Go to the bathroom and check yourself out and see how bad you really look.

I go to the bathroom and it's a full length mirror. Ugh.

Me: I don't want to look. I can't look. Either way I'll be upset. My friends like me for me…not for you.

I leave the bathroom just fixing my hair only.

And that is how my night went.

Now this morning er afternoon:

Ed or me?: you feel really full and sick.

Me: that's because you ate three yogurts, 1/2 cup oatmeal and a banana. And it didn't even make you feel better. It tasted weird. But you kept eating it because it was in front of you, it worked in the past and maybe the next bite would be different.

Ed: just eat an apple for lunch.

Me: ok. I feel too sick to eat anything else even though I made lunch.

Ed: good. Don't eat those calories later. Plus you fat ass ate them all last night. You couldn't even throw up all of the stuff you ate.

Me: I know.

Ed: usually you'd be off of work right now and walked to the bus, from the bus, on two 15 minute breaks, to the bus home from the bus and a workout. But all you've done is sleep today and now you want to go shorts shopping? I'll show you.

Me: I know. But you exhausted me. I'm sick because of throwing up and my throat hurts. I kept pushing myself to workout—

Ed: ya and you couldn't even do it 5xs a week like we agreed.

Me: and I'm exhausted from it. I can't do that lifestyle of cutting calories and working out all the time anymore.

Ed: I know and it shows.

Ed: you remember the prettiest girl at the party from last night?

Me: yes.

Ed: did you notice how she didn't really talk to you or acknowledge you even when you had the courage to talk to her?

Me: yes.

Ed: why do you think that is?

Me: because she knows she's prettier and better than I am.

Ed: exactly.

Ed: remember how you left the party early last night so you could get in bed in time for work?

Me: yes.

Ed: remember how I made you binge and purge instead?

Me: yes.

Ed: you're such a failure. How embarrassing for you.

Me: I know. I always have these good intentions that each night after going out will be different but then I find myself doing the same thing. But I won't always do this.

Ed: yes you will. I haven't seen you do anything else. You're not going to get better.

And I'm here writing not sure what mood to be in. Not sure where I stand. Not sure if I'm a good or bad person when you tally everything up last night. My life is a lot of checks and balances. You worked out; good you deserve to feel better. You had a cookie REALLY bad regret it the rest of the day. Etc. It's all about Ed feeling in control to make me feel in control of my life and that I'll be ok. So if I do work out and work towards getting thinner he's happy and I'm therefore "ok" if I do something that I want to do like eat a cookie that's not working toward the goal and therefore "not ok."

I'm going shorts shopping and fighting off his anger with me for not working out or really moving from anywhere but my bed to the bathroom. Today I just don't want to care. I'm sick of caring.

Stoned

I feel like I'm high.
Like not weed high-the only drug high I've felt and when that happens I think my feet don't work-stupid-but like light, airy, easy breezy, sand in my toes and the sun on  my skin high.
Like that feeling that comes when every light is green on the way home from work, an old friend calls you out of the blue and it's sunny on a Friday.
That kind of high.

But in reality, it's Thursday, raining and not much has changed from last week's melt down to now. Except EVERYTHING.

I had become obsessed with losing weight again.
Was constantly condemning my body, working out and restricting.
Working on my little plan by my big self.
This only put me deeper into my disorder.

What got me here is you people who coaxed my authentic voice out.
Who told me that I am beautiful. That I am not fat. That I am just how I'm supposed to be. That I can do this. That Ed is a bitch.

I can't thank you enough for reaching out when I really didn't want help.
Or actually WE didn't.
WE wanted to be in that space. We wanted to be miserable that way all I could see was us two.

But you people wouldn't let us.

While I still honestly want to smash a mirror / cry when I see my thighs and ass there's something that tells me that having great legs isn't what it's all about. That if I stay at this weight that my life isn't over. It's just beginning...hahahaha had to.

If I keep working to accept that this is where I'm supposed to be I can stop worrying. I can stop obsessing. I can start to live.

How I've gotten here is also by taking action against these feelings. Before I was just letting them happen. And well I guess I needed that to happen to get here.

Now I'm actually talking to Ed, out loud (like a crazy) and telling him he's wrong or to leave me alone.

Now I understand what I use Ed for and how to start to not need him anymore.

My therapist explained it to me like this: there's a lot of distance between me and my feelings / emotions. I created that space with distractions like binging and purging, overeating, obsessing over not eating, obsessing over eating, working out, drinking, thinking about drinking, being hungover as fuck. Now, that I'm not doing those things as much there's still that space. I 've begun to fill it with being busy (not hard when you work full time, do treatment, AA and have a second job oh and friends) so as soon as I stop and have a second where I'm not distracted it all hits me at once.

This would make sense why my breakdowns were in the AM and on my one day off.

So now the goal is to keep telling Ed to shove it.
As well as saying my feelings aloud when I feel them.

I got to practice it as soon as I left treatment yesterday: "Dear Asian lady, I felt very pissed off and upset and annoyed when you almost hit me with your car while I was riding my bike on the crosswalk and I had the right of way."

So now the hope is that this won't come back to haunt me when I have a moment to myself.

I also can't thank you enough for calling me pretty, saying you like what I look like that I even look better. I am trying to accept that you wouldn't say this unless you meant it.  Keep the compliments comin' ONLY if you mean them. Otherwise you make Ed right-that you just feel sorry for me.

I haven't advertised this as much out of shame for trying to get sober once before and breaking it-but I'm back in AA. I have a sponsor and we are starting the steps this Sunday. I have 31 days today, which I didn't even realize because it made me sad as to how little there were at first.

Also, I've been praying. More on that later.

Lastly, on Saturday I'm going clothes shopping (shorts and bras specifically) with a friend from program. This is my first time admitting that I need bigger sizes and I'm doing something about it.

Thank you everyone for your support and for reading!

Numb : My Remix

Yes, I'm talking about Linkin Park's song...but I like this version better.

After writing my blog post the other day I had an enormous response from you all that support me. It started to make my recovery voice louder than my Ed voice. While I'm not great, I'm most certainly not where I was. I really was scared that I was going back into that hell.

I came across this remix of Numb and became obsessed, comforted and inspired all in a moment.

So here's my take on it. Maybe it'll help you understand why I'm crazy and why recovery is so hard.

"Numb"

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Skinny, perfect
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface

There's no hope here with you

Don't know what you're expecting of me

Expectations get higher and higher
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

Remembering my glory days of Ed, when I was thin and "everyone liked me" "everyone thought I was hot" "everything was great"
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you

Every time I do something recovery focused there's Ed telling me that I'm doing it wrong. I can't eat breakfast, I can't buy bigger sizes, I can't think that I look pretty…there's always a rebuttal 
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there

I follow Ed's commands—"you" here is me, the real me
Become so tired, so much more aware

This represents me in recovery, I'm sick of being sick and I am aware of my disorder
I'm becoming this, all I want to do

'this' means Ed again
Is be more like me and be less like you
Pretty self explainatory. I want to be me, whoever that is and less like the girl I have been for 11 years

Can't you see that you're smothering me,

Every action every choice Ed is there. He doesn't let me breathe without his permission
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?

Every time I get closer to recovery he snaps me back, because he is afraid of losing control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you.

My weight has gone up, I've started to be an independent thinker and challenging his ways and he's becoming meaner and more harsh because he can see me walking away from him
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you.

Every step in recovery I make never comes easy, it's always with regret remorse and a takes a lot of reasoning.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take.
This can go two ways, every second I waste not working out is a wasted moment

OR
Every second I spend in this disease is a waste of my life

And I know
I may end up failing too.
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you.
This last part means a lot to me because it reminds me that even when I was in my "glory days" it was never good enough and the same Ed that's talking now was talking to that glorified sick Kris telling her he's disappointed in me.

I'm tired of being what you want me to be