Waves

I wake up abruptly.

My eyes flash open but to no avail, I cannot see. My lungs crave air but nothing comes. I open my mouth to let it in and it fills with water. My stomach lurches and panic sets in, I realize I'm helpless, being tossed in the current of an ocean.

It's black, engrossing me entirely. There's pressure on all sides of my body. I try to fight against my situation, kicking grabbing, pushing-trying to find which way is up. I'm so lost I don't know what's helping and what's hurting.

I don't know where exactly I am but instinct tells me it's a bad place. I'm not sure what to do, but to keep trying it's fight or flight time and I am finding myself fighting.

Nothing seems to be helping though and my life is slipping away by the second. I feel my heart beating deep within me, rapidly, like it's going to explode. My arms attempt to get me to the surface which I cannot see.

I don't know where I'm going or what I'll do when I get there, all I know is my life is the most important thing now. I need the light, I need air, I need to survive.

Just when I feel that I've lost it all, that once again my confusion anger struggle has gotten the best of me I see the light. It's a glimmer that's not very bright but it's the most hope I've had in what feels like ages. I head towards it eagerly, putting every ounce of energy I have left into getting to a better place.

I break the surface and leave death to find life. I find air, light. I've been given a second chance. Someone saw my efforts, saw that I wanted out, that I didn't want my life to end in the dark that had taken a hold of me.

I can't see whoever it was that helped me. I cannot thank them face-to-face. I didn't know they existed until I took that breath of air, but that didn't' stop me from fighting. It didn't stop me from believing that there was something better than the overwhelming pressure and condemnation that I found myself in.

Now I'm here being lulled by the waves, the sun is coming up and I'm exhausted. I've been given a second chance but where do I go from here? I feel I'm too tired to go on much longer. I'm disoriented, confused and yet there's an elation, a light that's sparked in me. I came so close to death then was given the gift that is life, my life.

But now I tread water, being bounced by the waves and am uncertain of my next direction. I could go under again anytime.

Where do I go from here?

THAT'S MY CUT. yo.

These songs are on heavy rotation in.my.life.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10. And now I want to go dance. Work? What is that.

Enjoy.

Pressure.

(PLAY LINK NOW. Please. Or else this post won't be as epic.)

I go into the dimly lit room of the cardio theater of my gym and close the door. I am alone.

My breathing is rapid. I try to calm it. I inhale through my nose and exhale through my mouth. The sweat drips off my face as I lean forward grabbing for my right foot with my right hand. The stretch feels good. I feel accomplished.

I hide in here from the wandering eyes of the men out there, the women too. I fear judgement. In here I can bend my body anyway I like and not have the anxious feeling of watching eyes.

My legs feel weak after lifting and running until I exhausted myself. They shake a bit as I switch positions.

The beat of "Pressure" starts to lift me up out of my current place. I shut my eyes slowly and breath out letting the treble pulse through my thoughts. It's rhythm is getting faster and so does my imagination.

I'm no longer in the gym.

"Come around, feel the sound

Boy you make my heart pound

Fill me up, bring me down

When I hear your sound..."

The music swirls.

I'm completely inside my head.

The bass drops.

I feel emotion. I don't know what it is. But I'm alive. All at once everything is serene, calm. Everything is ok.

My body is cohesive with my spirit. I am one. I am whole.

Before I can question it I am silenced by the sexuality of the beat, the pulse...my body feels like I'm paralleling it.

There is no filter to my emotion. No cap. But I don't even know what this feeling is.

"I've got pressure, I'm in deep
Seems everybody wants something from me"

I want to take you there. I want you to feel my heart beat, my blood rush, my body breathe.

"I was a lover, but now I thief

I'll take your breath away and set you free"

He's with me now. I can feel him. I don't ask why or how...I just know.

I've become light. My legs move under me and I curl up stretching my back. Relaxed.

Every part of me tingles without being touched. My skin raises in goosebumps.

"So much pressure
So much heat
So much hassle

They want me"

I want you to feel the quiet power and security I'm experiencing in this moment. I'm not in the past or future ... I'm present.

I lose myself in the bass ... seeing myself move eloquently, sexually to the music without fault or hesitation. I'm being myself even though I can't tell you who that is, but now in this moment I feel sure.

I felt alive.

I was something bigger than myself.

I need to tell you this to explain to you.

I need to tell you this to explain it to myself.

What I think I felt was my faith.

The beat fades. I hear the clinking of the weights, the hum of the treadmills.

I'm back. But no longer feel alone.

He's with my now.

Kris.

Cat Socks, Sequin Shorts and a Mink Farmer

This post is not up lifting.

I have no deep insight.

I just want to write down every epic part of my night / morning before I come off this high it gave me and I'm back to reality.

So I started off my night with my favorite sandwich ever, peanut butter and bananas.

Ya that shit is bananas.

I don't usually eat peanut butter because it freaks me out with the fat content, it's an anorexic thing, but this time it was ok because I knew I'd be dancing it all off.

Then my friend came over and we got ready together. She gets me like no one else does. Like half the time I don't have to finish my sentence and she knows what I'm going to say. She likes me for me, even though I'm really weird, but so is she. It works.

I can't think of a better person to ring in 2012 with.

So after putting on insane amounts of glitter we head to WaMu Theater to see NERO!

Yup with a face like that who wouldn't want to dance with me?

Please note my slight sarcasm.

We get into the venue and venture to every beer garden to find our friends.

View from said beer garden. aka we found them.

So off we go to dance to Congorock. He was pretty decent my friends.

So my friend has a dance partner. I do not. I get bored dancing alone and start to fret about my NYE kiss (about 1.5 hours away) when I see him. Tall blond sexy man. I swallow my fear and ask him to dance. He says yes. Great success. I stay with him most of the night. Find out he's a mink farmer from Portland and also a gentleman and possibly gay :)

Midnight hits white and gold balloons fall ... confetti sticks to me ... EVERYWHERE. Yes I had some in my bra when I came home.

Then Nero comes on. OMGHOLYMOLYSOFUCKINGGOOD.

So I'm in love and quickly losing my hearing and loving it.

My new man friend leaves for a bit and I look to my right to see a friend from school. I haven't seen him in years? He was on the cheer squad and yells "Do you want to go on my shoulders?"

Oh no! No I do not. That is scary and not safe. I think I'll stay down here like a pansy.

Is my first reaction.

But then I get a brain in my head and realize OMG YES I DO.

So up I go!

Then Nero starts mixing my favorite song...

I'm thinking is this real life?

Yes. Yes it is. So I stay up there until I'm convinced that I'm going to crush my friend.

Dance the rest of the night away. Alana Watson came on a couple times too. I wish I was her. However I do not sing and I do not know Nero. Fail.

After an amazing show about 1? Nero leaves. I scream that I'll have his children if he wants. He doesn't respond.

We break. Then I go back for Portland's number. He asks me for mine. He's really cute the way he shakes his little booty. I'm 99% sure he's not straight by now.

Then Tritonal comes on. Never heard of them but my man for the night is in love and I can see why. They are great! Check em out.

So we leave. Get hollered at by a zillion people back to the car. Lovely.

Get home but my nights not over. My friend comes over and we hang out til 5 ish am playing Mario Kart. WHY DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT DRIFTING IN THIS GAME UNTIL I AM ALMOST 24 YEARS OLD?!

Oh well it's a new year and I'm making that my current resolution. Learn how to drift and be more bad ass at MK.

So that's my night. It's the first sober NYE I have had since I was 16 and it was the best one yet.

Hope you all had a great one too.

Kris.

Story Book Ending My Ass

I don't think there is such thing as a "Mister Right." At least for me. There seems to be a right now, right at the time ... dude and then he leaves ... gets uninterested or I do.

"People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do."

I agree with the first part but the second just pissed me right off. When you figure it out. OH OK. Let me just have all the answers. That's where He comes in. And in hindsight you understand how things work but in the moment I feel lost, stupid and stumble. Like grasping in the dark, scared of what I will touch but even more scared to not try to find the light.

I don't understand why guys do what they do. One second they are all over you texting, dates, calling you saying stupid things that make me blush and smile. Then a week later I'm second guessing myself. Why did he stop talking to me? What did I do? It's so fucking annoying. I wish I didn't care. And I've learned to not cater my actions or happiness around them. I just don't even get my hopes up anymore, as much as I can, I'm only human…or only a chick. I act like I don't care and tell myself that I'm in a relationship with myself. I am selfish. I do what I want when I want and I like it. Which is true. I'm too crazy to have anyone in my life but sometimes I just want to cuddle damnit. I want someone to tell me I'm beautiful and believe them. I'm not sure if it's for the reassurance or just that I've got a lot of love to give and want to make someone feel special.

So that brings me back to my intro. There are guys that make me feel that way atm, that month or two, and then they're gone. They come when I'm not looking and leave when I'm not expecting it. After seeing my parent's marriage and the way guys treat my friends sometimes, I'm just over the mind games they play or shoot that I play on myself.

Living happily ever after sounds lovely. Having someone that was meant for you and that you can't live without. I thought I had that but look at me I'm still alive and kickin' without him. So I was wrong, or had him for that 'season' if you will. I change so much that there's no way some dude can keep up with me, nor do I want to slow down / change for someone else.

And I'm ok with this. But I just had to write it out.

Let me know what you think. Fairy tales are only produced by Disney?

Kris.

Self-Love

So maybe you've caught on that I learn things slowly.

Like if I drive drunk...I'm eventually going to get caught. -- Drive hammered get nailed is not just a clever saying they thought up...it's got some weight to it.

If I text while I drive...I'm eventually going to total my pride and joy (aka Pearl, my Subaru 2003 Outback aka my freedom).

If I keep overeating and throwing up...I'm going to continue to have an eating disorder.

If I keep telling myself I'm worthless and ugly and stupid and that no one likes me...I'll continue to believe it.

But recently I learned somethings that were a little...A LOT...more positive.

If I tell myself that I deserve recovery...If I start changing my habits one meal / hour / instance / whatever at a time...I will make progress.

That's the key to change...is slow steps forward...not giving up...whatever it is you're doing...or trying to accomplish...it will only work if you work it.

So.

If I actually look in the mirror at myself and tell myself...

I'm worth recovery. I deserve a better life. I'm a beautiful person. I'm sexy. I'm smart. I'm a selfless, self respecting person.

It'll start to come true.

Have you ever tried standing naked in front of the mirror and telling yourself you're just fine the way you are? It's hard. When I've tried my throat gets dry, tongue swells up, I begin to shake and cry. All my life (most of what I can remember) I've been critiquing, analyzing, HATIN' (ha ha) on myself. I have had no other idea of what I am or who I could be because I wouldn't let myself. That was the unknown that was scary that was unimaginable.

Now that I'm not seeing myself that way. I'M SCARED SHITLESS. What if happiness is possible? Not permanent white picket fence perfection bullshit happiness but a calm, serenity, positive outlook on life? A center that I get to go back to...to live in? These are thoughts I've never allowed myself to fathom...now that I am I've gone to crazy town. It exists...I live there currently. Second guessing myself...my words...my actions...who I'm becoming without the disease. AND THE SCARIEST THING?!

IS I LIKE WHO I AM. It's wonderful. It's freeing. But it takes work.

So for today...just in this hour I've done something that makes me feel good. I've written. I've shared some bit of my recovery with whoever chooses to read this...and if not with anyone I've shared it with my God and myself.

But shootdang. I hope someone reads this.

<3

Can't Help But Smile

It is disGUSTing (get it?gust ... Wind? Eh?) Outside. Simply miserable...like my hair right now.

(I was writing this on my phone but only just uploaded it um well meow)

I'm on the silent, pleasant, slightly muggy bus that takes me to and from work everyday.

I live for this bus. If this bus was a dude I'd be a stage 5 clinger. I need to know where it is at all times, I literally chase it and man do I ride it hard. Ha. Had to. My apologies.

Anyway, even though it is much less than pleasurable outside I have a warm heart.

Aw.

Funny things happened today. Things that were silly and simple and splendid...simply splendid surprises. Sorry. That's the copy writer in me.

First thing was when my umbrella blew inside out, 5 times, as I walked to work. I couldn't stop laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. My socks had fallen inside my boots, my hair clung to my face and my hood blew off. I felt comical.

Second thing that made my heart jump and brought a stupid grin to my face was when I was on my walk. I do a lap to Safeco daily.

So some tall dark and handsome thing came out of the parking garage. I was all in the zone listening to Calvin Harris when we caught eyes. I got embarrassed like I was awkward and in 7th grade again (now I'm just awkward). But something in me made me look back up and smile catch his green eyes for a lingering moment, quick enough to bite my lip a bit (nervous habit) and walk on. That gave me a surge of confidence. Whether I looked like an idiot or not I dont care because Id like to stay ignorant and think I was a touch sexy.

Last but not least was just a bit ago I was waiting for my bus out of the rain in the entrance of a parking garage. The entire entry way is glass, I like it bc then I can see my bus coming. I was stretching out my hamstrings in a lunge when I was reminded how glass works. You can see through it...meaning I can see out and people can see in. I had forgotten the second part and this guy, pretty cute I might add, imitated my lunge. It took me a second to figure out wtf he was doing but when I did I stood straight up and glared. Then dropped my scowl into a smile. I mean it really was funny. He walked off looking back waving as we both cracked up.

Completely stupid small things bright light to my day. I'm glad to say I can recognize those things now. I can appreciate those things now. And I ask you...what made your day today?

There was so much cheese in that question you could make a mean quesadilla.

BTW All these pictures were taken on my way to or from work. You just have to stop and look for the beauty in things. It's not hard if your heart and mind are open.

<3 Kris.