Not Too Shabby

Mytummyhurtsreallybad.
And it's because I've finally been eating normally after about a month of bingeing purging starving myself then eating a bunch of delicious fried stuff followed by beer for four days.
It does stuff to you.

Ewe. Yes I went there. Everyone does it.

Ok moving on.

If you can't tell I'm in a rand ol fucking mood.

I am genuinely happy right now.

Yes, this is the same girl that wished she had a hole to crawl into and never leave on Tuesday but oh my time flies.

So what's been going on? I'll tell you.

I've been doing what I'm told. I've followed my meal plan, I've eaten what I wanted (IE chocolate covered pretzels with lunch today), I'm going to a meeting a day and I'm being honest.

I got called on for my first time in AA since I started (which means you have to talk or well you don't have to but they would like you to). And my mind went blank and I was like fuck what the hell am I going to say to this group of strangers who are all sober and I have 3 days?

And well that's pretty much what I said. I told them how much I hate myself for not being able to stop. How I didn't think I could hate myself more the next day but tomorrow was today and oh look the loathing got deeper and the failures got larger and my insignificance grew.

I told them how I want help but I don't feel like it'll happen to me. I told them I'm scared as to what my life is going to be like if I keep up this way.

And then I told them I'm grateful for them because they understand that even though I want to stop I just can't stop. They don't get mad at me when I mess up.  They offer me a hug, a word of advice but mostly they just accept me and right now since I can't stand myself I need that acceptance.

After I talked I had girls and guys come up to me. Let me know that they feel how I feel or have felt how I felt. They made me feel included rather than alone and excluded. They made me feel worthwhile. They understood.

And at work since my friend that I went to Sasquatch with just needs her space I think (and rightfully so) I've been kind of a loner. I don't make friends easily and I over think everything and usually end up talking to myself about how much no one likes me rather than just saying hi to someone else. SO basically when I do something stupid, find a new song, want to get coffee I have no buddy. I was feeling sorry for myself until last night when I told my room (and hoping my God, whoever he is was listening) that I need help and to just give me some slack and he answered.

He put the courage in me to talk to other people at work. To reach out to them instead of wait for them to say something to me. To not stand awkwardly waiting for the microwave but strike up a conversation. It really isn't much but having the confidence to talk to those people and have them respond has felt wonderful.

Also, I just left a meeting. It's a meeting that I used to go to last year when I was trying this sober thing out. I would show up late, have to stand because I felt fat when I sat and I would leave early because the idea of talking to those people scared me. But today I was on time, listened the entire time and stayed through the end and met new people.

I'm feeling lucky happy and blessed and even though I know this won't last forever it's good to know I can have it right now.

What To Bring Camping : The Gorge Amphitheatre Edition

I searched numerous times for a blog to help me pack insanely efficiently for Sasquatch this year and most of them just told me what I already knew. So here is what I wish I knew before I went.

Clothing:

One day it was mid 70s and I was sweating-a lot.

The next I was freezing and in constant rain.

I cannot say it enough, the east side has very versatile / unpredictable weather, so pack accordingly. And even though (girls) in my little head I was like OMG I want to look so cute and I'm going to be  so stylish and festivally and glittered rainbowed facepainted out the fact of the matter was I didn't give a shit when I was slipping in the mud and trying to not get dripped on by the mainstage overhang during Ryan Bingham.

Obviously I didn't want to miss a second of him.

So clothing: 

• Bedtime: 
• sweats
• thermal top
• maybe bottoms if you get cold easily
• a hooded sweatshirt 
• snuggly socks
• A pair of shorts to change into as soon as you wake up because it goes from freezing to fucking hot in a tent in a matter of minutes.

• Outerwear: 
• a WATER PROOF rain jacket. 
• A hat. 
• Rain boots (or some kind of water proof bad ass ones). 
• An umbrella wouldn't hurt but don't be that asshole that stands in front of everyone with it open.
• Footwear:
• flip flops to toss on and off when you get out of the tent
• Rain boots (or some kind of water proof bad ass ones)
• Comfortable shoes (I don't care how cute your other ones are you won't care after walking and dancing so much!) that you don't mind trashing. I bought a pair from Value Village right before I left that did quite nicely.
• Flip flops for the shower (if you chose to do so.)
• Skivvies:
• Bring one of those cool bras that can go strapless, crisscross, asymmetrical and normal. 
• Bags:
• I brought a fanny pack which was very helpful but not enough. I didn't lose my id, cash, phone, chapstick or gum (that I know of) but I also was that annoying friend asking other people with backpacks to hold my stuff. At Paradiso it was handy but that's because you lose your shit there and Sasquatch its a bit more mild...in most aspects.
• Bring a backpack. One that can hold an extra coat for when you go in midday and stay through the night. And have snacks. And a water bottle ($3 a water got so damn expensive and  they have stations to fill up at but then you have to wait in a long ass line). A carabiner to loop a waterbottle on is also a smart idea if you don't have a holder.
• Shit you don't want to forget:
• BABY WIPES
• Dry shampoo (I use baby powder)
• Sunscreen (you will get burnt)
• Sunglasses
• Deoterant 
• Lotion
• Ear plugs
• A pair of shorts to change into as soon as you wake up because it goes from freezing to fucking hot in a tent in a matter of minutes.
• Finger nail clippers SO ANNOYING when yours breaks and you keep biting it.

Daywear

This gets its own section because I really love thrifting and clothing and while I'm not super edgy cool I still tried to pick outfits that would be fun to wear but not a pain in the ass.

1. Snag a hoodie that's neutral so it can go under and over many things. Mine is a heather gray.
2. The jacket I have over it is NOT waterproof but it's lightweight and has an insane amount of cargo pockets which came in handy.
3. Jeggings: comfy goes with a crop top or a tunic. BOOM.
4. Boots...as I said before.

1. The sweater is from Value Village and could be layered over something or cropped. It was nice to cover myself from the sun while looking sexay.
2. Paired with jean shorts. I know you know to bring those.
3. Bangles. Always fun and an easy way to add some gypsy boho chicness.

1. Ignore my face. But bring a statement necklace. I wore this with just about everything because it made me feel like a bad ass.

1. I almost threw this top out because it was too short for me (like all of my clothes since I'm tall) but I ended up making it into a crop top.
2. The skirt was AMAZING to wear and just perfect. I highly reccomend a maxi because it says sexy without the skimpy, you can dance with it, you can sit on it and it keeps you warm when it gets cold.
3. Oh and I was a big fan of braids while I was there.

1. Layer it up! A vest like the one I'm wearing is a great extra layer whether you bring it for warmth or an accent piece.
2. Also this is the drummer and singer from Deep Sea Divers. YES!

1. Wear what you want. If you have something goofy and ridiculous this is the time to rock it. Like my Merican flag skirt/shirt/thing.

1. Wear a cute lighter layer under your heavy ones becuase you never know when the sun will come out!

Random tips that didn't fit anywhere else:

• Get a schedule as soon as you can. they run out fast. Or make sure you print one from home.
• Also, life is life so times change, look at the website for help if you want updates on show times.
• There are a lot of Canadians. I didn't realize that there would be. And well they were pretty awesome.
• Get a headlamp. So helpful for the walk home and your tent at night.
• Bottle opener. Don't forget!
• A blanket that has a waterproof back on one side. From all the food, beer, rain that gets all over the hill you'll want one that doesn't soak it up.
• Get a flag or find one close to you so you don't get lost. I had a lame ass blow up turtle on my tent that got its shit rocked but I never went in the wrong tent.
• You have to have an empty waterbottle to get anywhere with it.
• If you have a full one it MUST be clear. I had MILO in my water at 9 am and the guy that guarded the trail to the venue made me pour it out because it wasn't clear.
• There's coffee that's overpriced and not bad like most of the food etc there. I'm from Seattle. I care about my coffee.
• Watch out for the vendors trying to jip you. MOST of them were AMAZING and I don't know how they do their jobs but more than once people would not give me back my full change. So do the math!

And I think that's it. Hope this helps.

Finding The Silver Lining In The Shit Of It

So after crying my eyes out and talking about a pretty bad / shameful night in here, with friends, my sponsor and my higher power I realize that long story short, I just got too drunk.

I don't have to feel like shit about myself forever.
I don't have to ask for constant forgiveness.
I don't have to suck up to my friends.
I don't have to be ashamed and hang my head.

Not to say what I did wasn't bad or doesn't mean anything but I just made a mistake-a big one but still an honest to God mistake. I made an ass out of myself and most likely you've done it too.
 
People make mistakes, it's how you react to those mistakes that matter.

What caused me to drink and has time and time again is negativity.
My mind goes that direction naturally, that's just how Ed has taught me to think over the past 11 years and it's a hard habit to break.

If something is gone I don't think I misplaced it, I 'know' someone has stolen it.
If I hear someone say my name it's not because they are giving me a compliment, it's because they are making fun of me.

You get it.

So, after beating myself up and being physically sick all day because of what I had done I decided to put my big girl pants on and get the fuck over it.

In order to do that I had to take action.

I apologized to my friends. One accepted it the other hasn't said a word to me and well that's on her.

I reached out to friends to help me talk my feelings through and make sense of what happened and why. I also just needed a pick me up.

I laid in bed and watched the rest of Weeds. I made myself a bomb ass sandwich. Did some chores. Basically made me feel human again.

I called ChaCha and we went and got pho for dinner. He gave me a pep talk or two and a much needed hug.

I talked to my sponsor about how to not skimp on program and what me drinking meant while working the steps.

And I went to bed on time. Peacefully and sober.

I didn't over eat or throw up.
I didn't give in and just get drunk to help me fall asleep.

I just took the next right step. I'm trying to follow direction, do what I'm told by people who care about me instead of what Ed and booze want me to do.

When they come up in my head and have me start to tell me how much I suck, how fat I am, how to not eat that, how I'm lazy...I just tell them it's not true and to leave me alone.

This is the first time I've figured out that positivity and kindness to myself will help me more than hating myself and just sitting in my anxiety.

So maybe this had to happen in order for me to grow, learn who I want to be and that who I am now isn't who I'm always going to be.

I Fucked Up

I have tried writing this all afternoon.
But I don't know how to begin.
So bear with me.

I drank  this weekend. I drank the entire weekend. I was all set not to. I almost had my 90 days. And then the anxiety came over me and I knew I would be obsessed with wanting to drink until I got that drink.

Now while my friends supported my sobriety I'm a grown woman and they aren't going to tell me no.

I'm finding it hard to have a balance of saying excuses while taking responsibility for my actions.

I fucked up. And I got fucked up on the last day, so yesterday, of Sasquatch.

I had been pretty good about pacing myself and being aware, happy that I was not wasted, so I could enjoy the music and the atmosphere and not have a fat hangover. But then something in me got off balance and I found myself at around 5 PM walking to go get a disgusting Margarita beer thing in a can.

As I walked alone across the lawn I was hoping someone would see through me and stop me. I didn't want to do it but I couldn't not.

I got my drink and walked back to my friends who were waiting for me. We had to jet back to pack up the tent so we could come back in time to see the last bit of artists.

I walked up to them hiding my shame. I couldn't not drink even for one day. We were supposed to be hurrying and here I am with a mancan in my hand of 8% fruity shit. I tried to act like I was fine. Totally normal. I mean look around us, everyone's drunk or on something right? I'm just fitting in.

We got back to the tent which was soaked and the girls started cleaning up. I of course hadn't packed so I was holding everyone up. And as I tried to hurry I seemed to be going slower. The alcohol was already effecting me and I could feel the angry, bitter, alcoholic in myself coming out.

Every suggestion and action I tried to do was wrong. So I'd try again. And again. And nothing was right. I began to get bitter so I opened up another beer.

I knew what I was doing and I wanted to do it. I felt like the outsider and wanted to put a bigger gap between them and me. I was the girl with issues. The one who was out of place. The one that couldn't stop doing her makeup when she really should be racing to go see a show. The one who needed just one more shot. The one who wanted to do what she wanted to do when she wanted to do it. And they don't have my anxiety issues, my food / alcohol addiction issues and I wanted to punish them for it by proving them right. I am fucked up. I am a loser. I am a failure. Look how good I am at failing.

Meanwhile keep in mind this is all in my head none of this has been said aloud by them. As I drank more and tried to help more I felt more and more guilty. More hate. More anger. More disgust with myself. So I just drank more.

I tried to break the bad vibe in the air by apologizing but I wasn't sure what I had done. All I could feel was animosity and like the outsider. Once again, like always, I didn't fit in and I couldn't do it right.

I went to Alt J with one of the two girls and I could sense the distance from her. She was onto me and my alcoholic ways. So I just talked to strangers made new friends. Ah see? This is why we drink! So we can be 'normal' make people laugh 'be happy'. I don't need my friend to have fun I have booze.

So then we split up so I could see Steve Aoki and I wanted to make more friends. Feel this high. This high of belonging. Of having fun. This is what I'm supposed to do at these festivals right? Make new friends, have crazy fucked up stories, LIVE man LIVE! So I got another beer.

Talked to a Canadian dude who leaves for Europe in two days while finishing the brew. Now I'm living. Now I'm having fun. I knew I just needed a drink or two that's all. Why did I think anything was wrong?

I ran into the venue and danced and danced and danced. I asked to join strangers dance circles. Everyone was welcoming but with an edge of "this girl is fucked up."

Then I got the idea to meet my own friends again. Be the good drunk. The one that listens and goes where she's told when she's told to. Then they'd like me.

If you've never been to The Gorge or seen pictures then you should do that. But long story short it gets very packed at the mainstage. I attempted to find my friends in hundreds / thousands? of people when drunk in the dark. I had no luck. So I said fuck it! More booze! I'll go see Rusko.

Thank God they cut off everyone at 10ish and I got no more beer.

The rest gets blurry.

I have the memory of finding my friends. Them not seeming happy with me.

Insisting I pay for Taco Bell and eating an entire Crunch Wrap Supreme and taco. Then the rest of the bagels and peanut butter in the back of the car while drunk dialing everyone telling them that 'everyone hates me.' Repeatedly. Mind you this is at 11:30 PM and most people work tomorrow.

I then went on to tell ChaCha to breakup with me because I'm such a fuck up and I'm not worth it. All of these issues. All of these needs I have. I'm sick of them I'm sick of me, he should be too. He deserves better.

I woke up this morning with a Steve Aoki tank I don't remember buying and peanut butter in my hair and a sickening feeling of regret.

I've apologized to my friend and she accepted it but she's not forgotten what I did or how I acted. I have a heavy amount of shame and hate for myself right now. I can't go back and change what happened. I can't get the images of me fucking up and fucking up more out of my head. I can't shake this feeling of regret.

What I can do is do my best to move on. I've come clean with my sponsor and today is day one. I've listened to some AA speakers and done my best to eat on my meal plan. I don't know what it's going to take for me to start listening to everyone else but  my disorder but I feel like this is a big push.

If I want to move forward I can't keep looking back.
If I want to be happier I can't keep thinking negatively.

I fucked up. Really fucked up. And it needed to happen for me to appreciate the gift of recovery that I'm being offered. My tail will be between my legs for a while and I'll be awkward around my friends for a bit but I can't let this shame, hate and anger keep putting me in this cycle of behaviors.

I don't know if this makes any sense but like always I appreciate you for reading, reaching out to me, being honest to me and never giving up on me.

Purging My Feelings

I planned a binge last night.
I planned two actually.
And I did them and that was it.
Then I called out sick to work even though we're really busy.
I slept until 11:30.

Then I woke up and reality hit.
I am upset with myself.
I hate that I have no control over my actions and that I keep putting this stupid disease before everything else.
I cancel hangouts with friends, I don't go to work, I don't go to AA, I don't spend as much time with ChaCha because I want to stuff my face and throw up.
It's disgusting. It's shameful and I hate myself for it.

I keep feeding the disease though (pun intended).
I keep feeling like shit about myself and keep it in so I don't annoy others.
I realized this morning that I don't want to tell anyone I'm struggling (anyone in my 'real life' opposed to treatment life). I want to tell them I'm fine. That everything is ok. That I'm working hard and it's paying off when in reality I'm scared, I'm sad and I'm lonely.
I am afraid people will leave me and get as sick of me as I am of myself if they knew the real me, so I lie.

So when I lie I keep it all in. Which is why I had a breakdown yesterday in the North parking lot of Century Link Field. I was so upset all of a sudden I couldn't get on a bus to go to treatment. I couldn't let myself go there though so I went to the gym and numbed out for as long as my body would let me.

Then I got home ate an entire box of brownie mix and threw up right before ChaCha came over.
I didn't mention it to him because I feel like I always have such issues and I'm so annoyed with myself that he'll get sick of me too.

So I held in the hate and shame longer. I met with my sponsor and casually told her what was going on as I ordered a donut from the coffee shop. I was starting the binge again.

As we read the Big Book I would tune out thinking of what I would eat next and how good it would feel to release it all.

I left her and went straight to the store.
Bought my food.
Did my thing.
And woke up at 11:30 this morning and had to face everything I've been avoiding since 1:30 yesterday. It all hit me at once. And I had to get it out.

I found out that because of my absences that I'm going to get in trouble at work. Rightfully so. But this makes me hate myself more. And as I try to eat a normal lunch Ed is already telling me to screw it up. I'm just a fuck up. After yesterday I don't deserve to eat. I should be at the gym. I really can't do this. And I really should just keep hurting myself.

I told my mom I had a hard time and she  went on to tell me how I shouldn't be posting this online. And I'm most likely hurting my chances at getting a new job by skipping work and having this for the world to read and judge.

And well she's right. But I took it as you're a failure. She reiterated all of the things I already know. My fears. What a disappointment I am. How I'm so slave to this disease. So now I feel worse. Plain and simple.

I just want someone to listen. To tell me I'm going to be ok. Because right now it really doesn't feel like it.

So I'm writing I'm getting it all out. I am feeling the stomach turning hate and sadness that I've been avoiding. I'm letting the tears sting my eyes and my throat go dry. I'm feeling the uncomfortablility that is being me where I'm at right now.

But I'm trying. I'm still fighting by letting this out. By finally being honest. By eating on my meal plan as much as I really don't want to. I'm trying. And that's all I can keep doing because I know how much it sucks when I don't.

Thank you all for your support and for reading.
You have NO idea how much it means to me.

Love,

Kris

And then ChaCha calls. And he tells me he won't get sick of me but if I don't try to help myself then that's what will do it. I need to believe that my friends and my family want to help but they can't help me if I'm not honest. If I don't try. He always has tough love for me. I'm lucky to have him.

That Moment When:

Just randomly wrote these down as they came to me.

Add your own or enjoy.

Or shit. Go crazy. Do both.

That moment when:

• You realize you've been rubbing your eyes but still have mascara on.

• You find out your underwear is inside out.

• In the bathroom you go to race out without washing your hands because you're late. But then you realize your co-worker is in there too and looking at you so you try to act like you weren't just about to do what they think you were going to do.

• You realize you've left your spotify on an embarrassing playlist for an hour.

• You realize you forgot to say "just kidding" when sending a sarcastic / mean text.

• You try avoiding a person you assume is homeless that's talking to you and all they wanted were directions.

• At 12:30 at night when you realize you should have ordered decaf earlier.

• You realize you replied all to a department wide email when you just wanted to reply.

• You realize you're not the only one in the bathroom.

• You see an old acquaintance.

• You see an old acquaintance and haven't showered in a while.

• You see an old acquaintance and say goodbye and walk in the same direction as them.

• In the grocery store you see an old acquittance , say goodbye and see them in the next aisle...then deli section and then in the checkout line.

• You think it's almost time for lunch and you realize it's only been an hour since breakfast.

• You're shopping and you notice the girl next to you has the same clothes picked out.

• You send a ;-) when you definitely meant a :-)

• You find out your water bottle isn't open - by dumping it on yourself

Gooday : Value Village Edition

Hey kids.
So I had a good day.
Such a good day that instead of stuffing my face with muffins and throwing them up (ie last night) I'm blogging.
I saw something at Value Village today that made things click for me:



Lately I've been wanting to stay put.
Moving is too scary.
Moving would mean doing something about how I've been feeling.
Adressing those feelings.
But that's too scary and hard and I'd rather just not.
How have I been feeling? - Long story short I've been feeling FAT (yes fat is not a feeling but well that's the best I can describe it), disgusting, shameful, hateful and just depressed.
I haven't cared if I get better or not. I just wanted to feel better right then so I did behaviors to numb whatever it was that was going on.
But this sign is so right - but I didn't buy it because its like glittery and pink and that's just not me so I'm going to steal this saying and try to Pintrest some shit and do it myself! HA!
Oh yeah ok but this saying was put in that Value Village by my God so I would see it and remember to act, to move, to do.

When I ask for help, when I help others, when I go workout, when I choose to fight against Ed I feel better. When I lay in bed and hide from all my problems I don't feel better.

So here I am DOING. I will show you the sick weird funny twisted slash totally typical parts of my day that made me smile or laugh:

First up is this man's GIANT HAIRY FUCKING MOLE. I have circled it for you.

I got myself JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE WORLD TOUR TICKETS! FUCKYABITCHES.

Then I saw this cat video courtesy of ChaCha

Then there was that wind bullshit that made me feel like I had moved back to Ellensburg. 

Captured a real gem right here.

Ah and now it starts to get good. At said Value Village after "life changing" moment of reading the bike sign I found THIS!

It's the most perfect fanny pack for Sasquatch! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. For only 5 dolla.

And shortly after I got this amazing thing that why would anyone give it away I don't know but I'm happy they did because now it's mine...

 This will also make it to The Gorge for AT LEAST Sasquatch if not Paradiso and maybe even Resolution 2014.

For once this is what my kitchen looks like...the dishes are CLEAN and you can see my sink. Yes.

Also, after having a fight with my old favorite pair of jeggings that use to HANG OFF OF ME and are now like Seran fucking Wrap on my legs, I won. I won because I cut them into bootay shorts that are so not appropriate but they fit my ass like a glove and damn it looks good. 

So the same pants that made me cry (multiple times) are now my favorite pair of festival shorts.

I didn't trust myself to eat dinner alone (since I binged and purged last night) so the BF and I had pho. So now I have lunch for tomorrow. Yes.

Lastly, I ran into my old roomate from college-no not my best pal that I love and respect and have the best time whenever I see her-the other one. The one I KICKED OUT OF MY HOUSE and told him he was WEIRD and TO STOP LARPING AND LIVE IN THE REAL WORLD.

That was an awkward QFC, deli section conversation.

No, I will not be visiting you at your jewelry store downtown.

And that's all.

Thanks for reading.

The Moral of the Bachelorette Party

This weekend I caught a glimpse into life.
It was refreshing, scary, hard, surreal, fun.
This was the first weekend away since I can remember actually having a social life that I was addiction and disease free.

I went to Leavenworth with my best girl friends for my friend's bachelorette party.
In a word is was wonderful.

It was no crazy party weekend in Vegas with luxury topped with glamour but that's not who I am or my friends are.

My friends are real people. They are down to earth. They are humble. They are kind. They are not afraid to be themselves. They say what's on their mind. They do what they want to do but put friends first. They have healthy relationships with food, alcohol and their significant other. They are my role models.

Considering the elements of a bachelorette party - or any weekend away really - it could be a feeding ground (er literally) for my eating disorder and alcoholism. When we were in the car over I was like WTF am I thinking? Everyone is going to want to day drink. Take shots. Pop bottles. Have mimosas. Have "bad" foods around 24/7. These girls can eat what they want when they want and still be thin. These girls are all gorgeous inside and out. And who am I to them? No one.

When I got to the cabin after the car ride my mind was racing and my anxiety high. I just saw everything I wasn't. I saw these girls that had career paths. Fiances. Awesome travel experiences. Great looks. Natural beauty. They could  hold a beer in their hand and causally drink. They could say I'm full after a cupcake. These girls were not me. Once again I was alone. The outsider. The boring one. The one who didn't fit in. I had nothing to offer this group--I wasn't even the skinniest one anymore--more like the largest.

I left the laughs and conversation a half hour after it started in the cabin and went on a walk. I felt the sun on my arms and the tears force themselves from my eyes. I tried batting them away-that's the last thing I needed-to look like the loser who wanted attention. Who was already creating drama "Everyone hates me. Poor me."

So I kept walking and I found myself talking. I don't know who I was talking to but talking turned to pleading. It turned to honesty. It turned into prayer.

I asked for help. I said I don't know how to do what I'm doing. I don't know how to be around so much alcohol, food and people at once with none of my old coping mechanisms. I prayed for strength. I prayed for Him to help me help others feel happy and comfortable on their experience.

Then I called some people. And while they didn't answer just crying on their voicemail and telling them my fears, hatred for these thoughts and longing to just be normal was enough.

I went back in and it wasn't easy right away but it got there.

This is the first get away that I can remember where I was not binging, purging, or drinking.

And...fack I'm starting to cry again...it feels so fucking good. I feel so free. I ate waffles for breakfast and had a cupcake at 1 AM. I got cheese and mayo on my sandwich. I didn't have to force myself to go on a morning run. I didn't need to drink. I wasn't constantly checking my reflection or fixing my makeup when we were out. I didn't care what people thought and I didn't need guys to tell me I was hot.

I'm so blessed to have the support system I do and you know what I don't even think the girls there have any idea what they were doing for me or what was going through my head most of the time. But I think that's the best way to do it.

My dietitian told me "Recovery is what I do outside of treatment." And I love that because that means that I really am in recovery.

While the thoughts are still in my head and I'm having trouble with the number I read on the scale today and that one girl didn't seem to like me much overall this weekend couldn't have gone any better.

So I guess the moral of the bachelorette party is that anything is possible from finding true love to living a life you never thought you could.

God bless.