I don't know if it's an insult, but God's making good choices very easy to me. It's almost like he doesn't think I could make good ones on my own. Oh wait. No, no I definitely can't.
I just moved out to Capitol Hill and if you walk out of my apartment and go right there is Pine / Broadway and a ton of bars. If you go left there's a church.
It took some time, and a few failures but I chose to go left this morning.
Now, if you haven't had the pleasure of dealing with me, I'm a crabby bitch until I get a small dose of reality in the morning.
So, after entering Captiol Hill Presbyterian, my annoying small bladder and I headed to the bathroom. When washing my hands I saw the other stall door open, and a sweet old lady in a gray velour jumpsuit (I can't wait to be old and wear that every day) walk out. "She's going to talk to you, and you have to be nice" I tell myself. I said a quick prayer along the lines of "please don't let me be a condescending bitch to this sweet old lady" and it worked.
I ended up sitting with her, she told me all about communion and introduced me to Pastor James among others. Then service started.
FYI, I'm a fuck up. I have so many issues and things wrong with me that they've given them names and categorized them as a disease making rehab centers and 12 step programs to fix them. When I introduce myself in meetings I get to say "Hi I'm Kris, I'm an alcoholic, anorexic, bulimic and compulsive overeater and some say overachiever."
I'M SO FUNNY.
What I heard today in sermon was something I had been needing spelled out for me.
Sin isn't a private matter. It doesn't just affect me. Following that statement, we are taught that we're a product of our own decisions, insisting that our successes are all on us, self-made, as well as our failures. We making them all by our little selves, getting to deal with them alone.
BUT this is a muthafuckin' lie.
Want to know why? You bet you do. Because we're never alone. God or your higher power (I'm going to just refer to Him as God) never leaves, the light, His light, is always there, your eyes have to be open to it.
When something is wrong, you want to fix it.
When I got my DUI and totaled Pearl, my mom was focused on why. On what was going on in my head (I told her it was a whole lot of vodka and beer—she didn't like that answer) when I chose to drive. She wanted to put blame, find a reason, and fix it.
In program we are taught to live our day one hour at a time, because that's all we have.
Focusing on why is us wanting control. We want to blame. Which is natural, but even as you find out why that still means the problem is there.
Instead, focus on how you can fix what's broken. Focus on the healing, the light in the dark. When you stop focusing on WHY and LET GO…that's when you are practicing faith. When there's something out of whack, something bent, off kilter or whatever that's a place for Jesus to come in and make it whole.
His work is being displayed in me. I am broken, I am cracked, I am weak but his light is filling me up. He is showing me that He is there for me, that I can make better decisions, I can become the person he intended me to be. And in turn, I can lift up others.
Hmm thinking of others, that's a big concept for me, I think I've hit my limit for good / nice / self-realization things for today, maybe even a quota for the week.
Score.
<3
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Part II : Drive Drunk : Get Fucked.
You always hear this but I'm not going to be creative and use my writing skills because well this statement is true-It all happened so fast.
The glow of my cell phone fade after sending my friend a text. Looking down for somewhere to put my phone. My head whipping forward my body being jerked back by my seat belt. The unmistakable crunch of my car against another. My adrenaline pulsing, pumping.
Then everything slowed down, I left my body and watched myself come to the realization of what just happened. My hands shaking uncontrollably as I turned the keys. Crying, screaming, “Shit. Shit. Shit,” as the engine failed to start. This is really fucking happening. Right now. You just totaled your car. Oh God and you’re drunk.
Fuck.
PAUSE. Now, to address those of you assholes who are about to shake your head at me and my stupidity, my ignorance and my actions in what follows-SHUTTHEFUCKUP. I know I shouldn’t blow in the field, admit to drinking and driving, so crying in front of the officer. But if we are going that route you might as well throw in, I shouldn’t have driven. I shouldn’t have drank. I shouldn’t have called my ex. I shouldn’t have chugged vodka. BUT I FUCKING DID. Hence why there’s a story to be told. There are a million things I SHOULDN’T have done but this is what I did. So save it, because let me tell you, there wasn’t an hour for about 6 months that I didn’t think those thoughts myself.
PLAY.
Back to me ruining my life.
I hopped out of the car and ran home. THAT is how close I was. I barged through the door. Yelling at my parents the news they never want to hear. “I crashed Pearl-I’ve been drinking-mom HELP.”
My dad made a very valid point for it being roused, no jolted awake, at 1:30 am, “you left the scene of the accident?”
Oh. Shit. Yes, yes Dad it looks like I did.
I ran down my hill rounded the corner to the accident and knocked on the truck owner’s door. Telling him what I’d done. To my surprise he goes “Again?” My smart ass wants to say “No, no sir, this is the first time I’ve done this.” What he really meant was that this has happened before, since he’s an idiot that parks on a corner on a narrow road that’s lined on either side with cars – or not wait, if we are talking about idiots, I may have this one in the bag.
It gets blurry.
The cops came. The lights flashed way too bright for my liking. The cop was an ass. He was condescending and as my parents watched from the opposite side of the street he talked to his intern kid as though I wasn’t there. I remember walking that invisible line, the flash light in my eyes and my mom across the street with her hands to her face, horrified.
I got cuffed, put in the back of the car, because while I failed the tests, I succeeded in being caught drunk driving.
I blew once in the field .15, then at the station a .122 … that’s a ‘low blow’ 1.5 is a ‘high blow.’
My parents picked me up at around 3 AM, we drove past my car on the way to our house.
That was the first of many times that I’d get to pass the spot where my life changed forever. And for the past 10 months I have had to walk up onto the sidewalk that my car went up onto that fateful night.
That street is the quickest way to get to the bus and my gym.
Oh the irony.
The glow of my cell phone fade after sending my friend a text. Looking down for somewhere to put my phone. My head whipping forward my body being jerked back by my seat belt. The unmistakable crunch of my car against another. My adrenaline pulsing, pumping.
Then everything slowed down, I left my body and watched myself come to the realization of what just happened. My hands shaking uncontrollably as I turned the keys. Crying, screaming, “Shit. Shit. Shit,” as the engine failed to start. This is really fucking happening. Right now. You just totaled your car. Oh God and you’re drunk.
Fuck.
PAUSE. Now, to address those of you assholes who are about to shake your head at me and my stupidity, my ignorance and my actions in what follows-SHUTTHEFUCKUP. I know I shouldn’t blow in the field, admit to drinking and driving, so crying in front of the officer. But if we are going that route you might as well throw in, I shouldn’t have driven. I shouldn’t have drank. I shouldn’t have called my ex. I shouldn’t have chugged vodka. BUT I FUCKING DID. Hence why there’s a story to be told. There are a million things I SHOULDN’T have done but this is what I did. So save it, because let me tell you, there wasn’t an hour for about 6 months that I didn’t think those thoughts myself.
PLAY.
Back to me ruining my life.
I hopped out of the car and ran home. THAT is how close I was. I barged through the door. Yelling at my parents the news they never want to hear. “I crashed Pearl-I’ve been drinking-mom HELP.”
My dad made a very valid point for it being roused, no jolted awake, at 1:30 am, “you left the scene of the accident?”
Oh. Shit. Yes, yes Dad it looks like I did.
I ran down my hill rounded the corner to the accident and knocked on the truck owner’s door. Telling him what I’d done. To my surprise he goes “Again?” My smart ass wants to say “No, no sir, this is the first time I’ve done this.” What he really meant was that this has happened before, since he’s an idiot that parks on a corner on a narrow road that’s lined on either side with cars – or not wait, if we are talking about idiots, I may have this one in the bag.
It gets blurry.
The cops came. The lights flashed way too bright for my liking. The cop was an ass. He was condescending and as my parents watched from the opposite side of the street he talked to his intern kid as though I wasn’t there. I remember walking that invisible line, the flash light in my eyes and my mom across the street with her hands to her face, horrified.
I got cuffed, put in the back of the car, because while I failed the tests, I succeeded in being caught drunk driving.
I blew once in the field .15, then at the station a .122 … that’s a ‘low blow’ 1.5 is a ‘high blow.’
My parents picked me up at around 3 AM, we drove past my car on the way to our house.
That was the first of many times that I’d get to pass the spot where my life changed forever. And for the past 10 months I have had to walk up onto the sidewalk that my car went up onto that fateful night.
That street is the quickest way to get to the bus and my gym.
Oh the irony.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Drive Drunk : Get Fucked.
We had a chain email going on at work.
The question: What are you afraid of?
I answered: snakes and my Achilles heel snapping and curling-omgewe.
My initial answer: jeans.
While yes, I am petrified of the first thing I said, what really makes me more anxious, nervous and scared is wearing jeans. I hate how they make me stick out in the wrong places. I hate how they are restricting. I hate how they make me feel fat.
And it is because of jeans, or well once again my eating disorder (that pesky bitch) that I got myself into a DUI battle and totaled my Subaru.
All in one go. Because, I am, an overachiever.
May 21 2011, so last summer, we all planned to meet at Golden Gardens.
I wanted to wear a tee but everyone knows you don’t wear a tee with leggings (hello ass), so I braved it and pulled on my skinny jeans.
I hadn’t even buttoned them and I was crying. I stood in front of the mirror despising what I saw. What I felt. I wanted to rip them to shreds along with my cellulite and my gigantic thighs.
As that’s impossible I settled for throwing a fit, stretching them out in the process. I wiggled and wormed, doing awkward squats (ladies you know what I mean) until they became comfortable aka unflattering and stretched out.
Realizing I was going to be late. I forced myself out the door, slamming it, angry at the world for making me so ugly and fat. I prayed slash blasted Carter III all the way to Totem Lake to my friend’s apartment.
I thought I felt better.
We arrived to a slowly setting sun and excitement that only sun in Seattle on a Saturday can bring. I hadn’t planned on drinking, but free beers were offered, and that’s all it takes for this cheap ass. I wanted to feel better about the stupid jeans and I knew the booze would do it, even if temporarily. In no time I was three deep and I was drunk.
The rest of the night was a blur of sand in places I wish it wasn’t, conversation with strangers and Sweet Tea Vodka (that in my drunken stupor I thought was mixed…I now know it’s NOT).
I got the great idea to call my recent ex…multiple times…upsetting and embarrassing myself in my almost black out state.
I don’t remember the car ride to Totem Lake from GG. I do know I didn’t drive.
I do remember coming to at about 1:00 am, still talking to my ex. We hung up. I wanted to go home and cry more. So I did. Ignoring offers to stay on the couch. I got into my car, Pearl, and drove.
That’s the last trip I’d ever make in that car.
The question: What are you afraid of?
I answered: snakes and my Achilles heel snapping and curling-omgewe.
My initial answer: jeans.
While yes, I am petrified of the first thing I said, what really makes me more anxious, nervous and scared is wearing jeans. I hate how they make me stick out in the wrong places. I hate how they are restricting. I hate how they make me feel fat.
And it is because of jeans, or well once again my eating disorder (that pesky bitch) that I got myself into a DUI battle and totaled my Subaru.
All in one go. Because, I am, an overachiever.
May 21 2011, so last summer, we all planned to meet at Golden Gardens.
I wanted to wear a tee but everyone knows you don’t wear a tee with leggings (hello ass), so I braved it and pulled on my skinny jeans.
I hadn’t even buttoned them and I was crying. I stood in front of the mirror despising what I saw. What I felt. I wanted to rip them to shreds along with my cellulite and my gigantic thighs.
As that’s impossible I settled for throwing a fit, stretching them out in the process. I wiggled and wormed, doing awkward squats (ladies you know what I mean) until they became comfortable aka unflattering and stretched out.
Realizing I was going to be late. I forced myself out the door, slamming it, angry at the world for making me so ugly and fat. I prayed slash blasted Carter III all the way to Totem Lake to my friend’s apartment.
I thought I felt better.
We arrived to a slowly setting sun and excitement that only sun in Seattle on a Saturday can bring. I hadn’t planned on drinking, but free beers were offered, and that’s all it takes for this cheap ass. I wanted to feel better about the stupid jeans and I knew the booze would do it, even if temporarily. In no time I was three deep and I was drunk.
The rest of the night was a blur of sand in places I wish it wasn’t, conversation with strangers and Sweet Tea Vodka (that in my drunken stupor I thought was mixed…I now know it’s NOT).
I got the great idea to call my recent ex…multiple times…upsetting and embarrassing myself in my almost black out state.
I don’t remember the car ride to Totem Lake from GG. I do know I didn’t drive.
I do remember coming to at about 1:00 am, still talking to my ex. We hung up. I wanted to go home and cry more. So I did. Ignoring offers to stay on the couch. I got into my car, Pearl, and drove.
That’s the last trip I’d ever make in that car.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Well...That Was Awkward.
A day in the life of me.
So as long as I'm being honest, I thought I'd show you a glimpse into what my daily life looks like. No worries I won't tell you like when I wake up or what I eat for lunch (5:52 am turkey and cheese sammy) but I mean like the ridiculous shit I do.
I have the most fun sharing random stories like these with my best friends, makes me feel more normal and laughing at their expense is awesome.
So in hopes to entertain you, make you feel less lame (not that you are lame…shoot this may confirm that I am as odd as I thought I was) here are random things that happened to me yesterday (that yes, I kept track of).
What inspired this was the fact that I took a bite of a scrumptious apple and drooled all over my front, of course someone from tech walked by as I make a huge slurping noise…
Then I continued to eat my juicy apple and realized I attempted to eat the sticker because I practically choked on it.
On my way to the bathroom later I just forgot how doors worked and didn't fully open it before attempting to go through it.
When in the bathroom I couldn't get the stupid toilet set covers out so I ended up with like 15 and couldn't figure out what to do with them all so I attempted to put them back in unsuccessfully. I ended up hanging them on the door in hopes someone else would use them.
Another time in the bathroom again, I was so out of it I washed my hands then hit the soap dispenser instead of going for the paper towels. Luckily the other girl in there found this as hilarious as I did.
At my desk I snorted loudly when seeing this image for a sale I was writing.
It's currently my background.
An attractive male coworker told me my voice made me sound like a tranny.
When going down the stairs to head out on my walk I was dancing / rapping to Missy Elliott's 1 2 Step. Didn't know I had an audience until I was face to face with two people coming back from lunch and awkwardly made my quiet singing into a loud cough.
On my walk to my bus my umbrella wouldn't close and I found myself talking to it…ok well yelling at it to "fucking shut you stupid piece of shit" as I walked passed a homeless man…also angry at the world.
I got honked at by a bus when on the corner of the street because I guess he thought I was trying to run out in front of it? The homeless man next to me politely said "Don't worry you'd still be pretty if you got hit by a bus." WHY THANK YOU.
And to end my night I was at Fred Meyer, until closing. I was the last maniac running around the aisles trying to find puff paint. I was joined by a very elderly man in the check out line griping about how much his pumpkin pie cost.
Welcome to my life.
So as long as I'm being honest, I thought I'd show you a glimpse into what my daily life looks like. No worries I won't tell you like when I wake up or what I eat for lunch (5:52 am turkey and cheese sammy) but I mean like the ridiculous shit I do.
I have the most fun sharing random stories like these with my best friends, makes me feel more normal and laughing at their expense is awesome.
So in hopes to entertain you, make you feel less lame (not that you are lame…shoot this may confirm that I am as odd as I thought I was) here are random things that happened to me yesterday (that yes, I kept track of).
What inspired this was the fact that I took a bite of a scrumptious apple and drooled all over my front, of course someone from tech walked by as I make a huge slurping noise…
Then I continued to eat my juicy apple and realized I attempted to eat the sticker because I practically choked on it.
On my way to the bathroom later I just forgot how doors worked and didn't fully open it before attempting to go through it.
When in the bathroom I couldn't get the stupid toilet set covers out so I ended up with like 15 and couldn't figure out what to do with them all so I attempted to put them back in unsuccessfully. I ended up hanging them on the door in hopes someone else would use them.
Another time in the bathroom again, I was so out of it I washed my hands then hit the soap dispenser instead of going for the paper towels. Luckily the other girl in there found this as hilarious as I did.
At my desk I snorted loudly when seeing this image for a sale I was writing.
It's currently my background.
An attractive male coworker told me my voice made me sound like a tranny.
When going down the stairs to head out on my walk I was dancing / rapping to Missy Elliott's 1 2 Step. Didn't know I had an audience until I was face to face with two people coming back from lunch and awkwardly made my quiet singing into a loud cough.
On my walk to my bus my umbrella wouldn't close and I found myself talking to it…ok well yelling at it to "fucking shut you stupid piece of shit" as I walked passed a homeless man…also angry at the world.
I got honked at by a bus when on the corner of the street because I guess he thought I was trying to run out in front of it? The homeless man next to me politely said "Don't worry you'd still be pretty if you got hit by a bus." WHY THANK YOU.
And to end my night I was at Fred Meyer, until closing. I was the last maniac running around the aisles trying to find puff paint. I was joined by a very elderly man in the check out line griping about how much his pumpkin pie cost.
Welcome to my life.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
FUCKINGSHITIMGOOD
Guess what.
That's rhetorical.
I just realized that I'm the happiest I've been in over a year? In fact I cannot remember being this happy-go-lucky, smile at strangers, wash my hair more than twice a week, (literally)dance like no ones watching HAPPY.
BOYA. . . boo ya? haha WHATEVER.
Yes I have an eating disorder that controls 80% of my thoughts and yes I have a pending DUI that my lawyer just informed me today I will most likely be convicted of and yes I totalled my pride and joy of a car (RIP PEARL) BUT...I am happy.
Like legit, in a really good place, fuck ya I'm good happy. And I would like to acknowledge that. I owe a lot of that happiness to everyone...BUT myself.
To those of you who read my blog and take two seconds out of your day to tell me to stay strong, that you relate to me, that you even think I'm clever (ok we won't go that far...but I'll go with funny) THANK YOU. Writing is the one thing that I can make sense of my thoughts. I can be me. I can try to figure my life out.
My friends have been my rocks, like solid steel have a force field around them kind of rocks...that are magical (for kicks). You guys let me be me and it's ok. I am uncensored and I like it. I don't feel myself over thinking things when I'm with you. You really are the light in my life and it took me a while to find people like you, and now that I have I'm not letting you go.
My family has come a long way too. From having me hide my disease to me being able to yell I WANT TO EAT THIS CAKE AND THEN THROW IT UP. Can we please put it away? And having my mom ask me how my meetings are going rather than not tell our extended family that I'm a problem child.
Also, program. Oh the 12 step nonsense that I used to make fun of in school, that sarcastic "acceptance is the first step" when mocking a friend has now become something I practice hourly. It gave me the confidence to turn my life around. It helped me find my God and know I'm not alone. I got this crazy idea that I was better than what my disease was telling me, that I can do things if I try, that I deserve more...I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.
I am moving out of my house finally to a great neighborhood with friends nearby. I just got my first big girl job. And I've got a month of sobriety on the board.
Plus I have discovered that going to shows / raves are the best thing ever, they've really contributed to my sunny disposition too.
I also have a great person of the opposite sex in my life who I don't get crazygirlstupid over. Who makes my heart skip a beat, who makes me feel sexy, who makes me feel confident, who makes me feel like I'm ok being me. I don't censor myself around them. I don't hide my affection because I'm afraid of getting hurt...I let it all hang out...bad joke? Yes. And the best part is...I'm happy when I'm with them and when I'm not.
There's that word again HAPPY.
I just gripe so much and write dark depressing metaphorical things all the time so here's giving credit where credit is due.
I'm so blessed and I don't want to take it for granted.
<3 Count your blessings because if you open your eyes to them...they are out there.
That's rhetorical.
I just realized that I'm the happiest I've been in over a year? In fact I cannot remember being this happy-go-lucky, smile at strangers, wash my hair more than twice a week, (literally)dance like no ones watching HAPPY.
BOYA. . . boo ya? haha WHATEVER.
Yes I have an eating disorder that controls 80% of my thoughts and yes I have a pending DUI that my lawyer just informed me today I will most likely be convicted of and yes I totalled my pride and joy of a car (RIP PEARL) BUT...I am happy.
Like legit, in a really good place, fuck ya I'm good happy. And I would like to acknowledge that. I owe a lot of that happiness to everyone...BUT myself.
To those of you who read my blog and take two seconds out of your day to tell me to stay strong, that you relate to me, that you even think I'm clever (ok we won't go that far...but I'll go with funny) THANK YOU. Writing is the one thing that I can make sense of my thoughts. I can be me. I can try to figure my life out.
My friends have been my rocks, like solid steel have a force field around them kind of rocks...that are magical (for kicks). You guys let me be me and it's ok. I am uncensored and I like it. I don't feel myself over thinking things when I'm with you. You really are the light in my life and it took me a while to find people like you, and now that I have I'm not letting you go.
My family has come a long way too. From having me hide my disease to me being able to yell I WANT TO EAT THIS CAKE AND THEN THROW IT UP. Can we please put it away? And having my mom ask me how my meetings are going rather than not tell our extended family that I'm a problem child.
Also, program. Oh the 12 step nonsense that I used to make fun of in school, that sarcastic "acceptance is the first step" when mocking a friend has now become something I practice hourly. It gave me the confidence to turn my life around. It helped me find my God and know I'm not alone. I got this crazy idea that I was better than what my disease was telling me, that I can do things if I try, that I deserve more...I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.
I am moving out of my house finally to a great neighborhood with friends nearby. I just got my first big girl job. And I've got a month of sobriety on the board.
Plus I have discovered that going to shows / raves are the best thing ever, they've really contributed to my sunny disposition too.
I also have a great person of the opposite sex in my life who I don't get crazygirlstupid over. Who makes my heart skip a beat, who makes me feel sexy, who makes me feel confident, who makes me feel like I'm ok being me. I don't censor myself around them. I don't hide my affection because I'm afraid of getting hurt...I let it all hang out...bad joke? Yes. And the best part is...I'm happy when I'm with them and when I'm not.
There's that word again HAPPY.
I just gripe so much and write dark depressing metaphorical things all the time so here's giving credit where credit is due.
I'm so blessed and I don't want to take it for granted.
<3 Count your blessings because if you open your eyes to them...they are out there.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
beats.
I did a crazy thing the other day.
So there you have it. If you get a great tax return look into them but if not and you're broke as shit don't.
I dropped (I feel so cool when I say that) $249.99 on MIXR BEATS BY DR.DRE.
I then spent $39.99 on a protection plan with the boys at Best Buy...which gets me new head phones no questions asked for two years any time I need em.
After spending this insane amount on headphones (I have trouble spending more than $5 on a foot long from Subway) I was ecstatic. I even called people to tell them how excited I was.
After taking them out of the cool box with Dr. Dre's face on it, and putting aside the catalog that came with the headphones (in case I wanted to throw the rest of my savings away into some ear buds) and I popped these bad boys on...
my high died.
They sound sick. But being a regular ol gal that barely knows treble from bass (DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE TO COMPARE TO EACH OTHER?) and Sony from Bose, I wasn't sure if I really should have spent that much.
Now. We all know I like music. Or for those of you who don't, I like music. There now we are on the same page. I have spent more money on concerts and shows and raves in the last year than anything else (EXCEPT MY DUI...). I listen to music morning day and night. And I want epic head phones that make me feel cool look cool 
(and clearly these did)
oh plus they have to be quality.
I got that with beats but I don't think it was worth it.
(and clearly these did)
oh plus they have to be quality.
I got that with beats but I don't think it was worth it.
PROS
They are fucking durable.
They have that epic b on the side that lets everyone know that you manned up and bought beats.
They have a volume control on them and you can mute them without touching your music device.
They have a carrying case and can be folded up easily. So you're not attempting to break them every time you shove them away.
They sound great. From what I know, I really liked the quality. I could hear each beat much clearer than I could in the other cheaper headphones at Best Buy.
CONS
They are $250.
They hurt the hell out of my ears. It was like they were pinned back. I had to keep adjusting them through out my day.
If I'm going to pay $250 for head phones I want to wear them when I work out, but I didn't like how hot they made me (but then again they are on the ear head phones).
So there you have it. If you get a great tax return look into them but if not and you're broke as shit don't.
:)
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Waves
I wake up abruptly.
My eyes flash open but to no avail, I cannot see. My lungs crave air but nothing comes. I open my mouth to let it in and it fills with water. My stomach lurches and panic sets in, I realize I'm helpless, being tossed in the current of an ocean.
It's black, engrossing me entirely. There's pressure on all sides of my body. I try to fight against my situation, kicking grabbing, pushing-trying to find which way is up. I'm so lost I don't know what's helping and what's hurting.
I don't know where exactly I am but instinct tells me it's a bad place. I'm not sure what to do, but to keep trying it's fight or flight time and I am finding myself fighting.
Nothing seems to be helping though and my life is slipping away by the second. I feel my heart beating deep within me, rapidly, like it's going to explode. My arms attempt to get me to the surface which I cannot see.
I don't know where I'm going or what I'll do when I get there, all I know is my life is the most important thing now. I need the light, I need air, I need to survive.
Just when I feel that I've lost it all, that once again my confusion anger struggle has gotten the best of me I see the light. It's a glimmer that's not very bright but it's the most hope I've had in what feels like ages. I head towards it eagerly, putting every ounce of energy I have left into getting to a better place.
I break the surface and leave death to find life. I find air, light. I've been given a second chance. Someone saw my efforts, saw that I wanted out, that I didn't want my life to end in the dark that had taken a hold of me.
I can't see whoever it was that helped me. I cannot thank them face-to-face. I didn't know they existed until I took that breath of air, but that didn't' stop me from fighting. It didn't stop me from believing that there was something better than the overwhelming pressure and condemnation that I found myself in.
Now I'm here being lulled by the waves, the sun is coming up and I'm exhausted. I've been given a second chance but where do I go from here? I feel I'm too tired to go on much longer. I'm disoriented, confused and yet there's an elation, a light that's sparked in me. I came so close to death then was given the gift that is life, my life.
But now I tread water, being bounced by the waves and am uncertain of my next direction. I could go under again anytime.
Where do I go from here?
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