Well That Was Awkward II

Round two for randomisms...Story of my life moments. These are thoughts that have popped into my head and then I've written down. Some are meant to be funny others are ones you may relate to…
"I should write down the ridiculousness that is my life."

"Open spaces make me want to do cartwheels."

(Looking in mirror after finishing my makeup)"Ok I look pretty good today" (Turn around in mirror) "Oh balls—how long has that been tucked up like that?"

"I wonder if Mama Mia will make sense if I fast forward through the singing parts…"

"I like my big headphones because they are like earmuffs."

"Guys that use umbrellas are adorable."

"Cars that are covered in rain look cooler than ones that aren’t."

"I love watching people run when it's not for sport." (Especially if it's after a bus or person) "Crap. Karma will get me for this."

"Oh they're 22 that's my age…OMG no wait—I'm 24 now."

"This headband looks like I'm showing off my roots, my real hair color on one side and my bleached blonde on the other--Man I need to get my hair done."

"Spilled water looks really good on my pants." (No—not really)

 "I wonder if what I just said was mean? (pause) Oh yup she's glaring. Yup that was mean."

 I cried after a taxi driver asked me if I was on drugs and to make up my fucking mind. I made up my mind and got out of the cab right there...then called my mom.


Random thoughts that actually go through my head be impressed … or feel much better about what's going through yours.

Seriously contemplated licking the maple and brown sugar oatmeal packet. Converstaion with coworker—her: "I just had a fat kid moment." Me (blurting out): "I did this morning I totally drank the rest of the chocolate milk." Her: "I was going to drink that chocolate milk." Me: "Oh."

 It's hard to hear your phone ringing when you're blasting your ring tone from your computer.

 I like to pretend I'm making a music video when I have my headphones on.

 7 am getting off the bus in SoDo my headphone cord got caught on a seat. I got yanked back to come face to face with the oldest Asian woman I've ever seen who gave me a toothless grin and removed me from the chair's handle.

 I pulled out my phone to "like" the song I was listening to — on my phone — that's on a playlist — that I downloaded : YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

 I like it when people say that flowers remind them of me. And also public transportation.

 I thought my gauges looked really cool until my headphone cord got caught in them and I yelped in pain on the lightrail. The very quiet FULL light rail. — even better asking my neighbor to help me get unstuck — I've never been so close to a 32 year old Hispanic man. And never will be again. 

Kris

Sassy Pants

It's your attitude Kristin. I heard that so many times from my mom. My nickname was 'Tude or bitch (behind my back thank ya) during a season of club volleyball. I've heard once or twice "Oh she got SASS!" from a gentleman or two at the bar. So that word, attitude, has surrounded my life and I'm full of it. And it has inspired this INSPIRING blog post. It's all about attitude ladies and gentlemen. Every morning when I wake up I'm a crabby ass bitch. I glare, frown and give mean looks to everyone from old ladies in my way on the street to stupid stop lights that won't change for me. UNTIL someone who doesn't have an attitude problem wakes me up out of it. Lately, especially today, I was feeling sorry for myself. Everyone at work seems to be taking on bigger roles, training for things, and surpassing me while I'm over in my corner with my Most Improved Award. And actually I didn't get an AWARD, my lead just said that to me once. Fail. Now we all know what that means, you sucked and now you don't suck as much. So while moping to my sad little self I decided to drag my fat ass on a walk. I stomped my stress out. I came back rejuvenated and ready to take on my next event. Then I hear someone else is training for a new role, who started months after me. FUCKINGSHIT. I swear a little raincloud grew over my head when God said. HOLD UP. He reminded me to focus on me ONLY ME and what was happening right now. I had a 75 item event to write up. So I could either pout and be a brat or I can do my damn best. I owned that damn thing. I did a 75 item event in about an hour and 20. I remember back when that'd make me CRY (remember attitude problem). God has His plan for me. I'm not sure what it is, we can safely say it's not to be a really killer copywriter, but there are so many other options for me. I need to trust in Him that He knows best and if I keep striving to follow and do His word I'll be ok. Plus, I am improving (there's that damn word again) and well, I'm not fired. Someone please knock on wood. Another word I want to put into your head is perspective. This came into play was when I decided todance around in my room instead of going to the gym. I was dog tired but there's nothing like Hot n Fun by Boys Noize to get me going. As I was shaking it like Beyonce (remember it's all about your perception) I noticed that it didn't take much to get my thighs to jiggle. Not the good kind. WHOOSH CRASH BANG ANOREXIA!!! My head swirled with not nice words, plans of dieting, cursing the Reeses I had earlier and believing the world was out to get me. And this kids is my disgusting flabby white thigh, unedited I'm sorry to say, to prove my point.

So I went harder, did more lunges to the back of my room away from that damn mirror that spoke nothing but the truth. I turn around and WHOOSH CRASH BANG BOMB. "OH SHIT. I look good." Literally came out of my mouth. WTF MATE? I flexed my leg some more, bent one way, twisted another and got my sausage legs to turn sultry. TA DA!

Oh ok. I get it. It's all in how you look at it. Hating your situation, pouting, whining, all that annoying crap doesn't fix a damn thing. So focus on the positive, speak kindly to yourself and focus on what you have—because no one likes a grumpy pants. <3

They Call Me Mellow Yellow

No they don't. I just have that stuck in my head. Anyway...I wore a daisy yellow oversize sweatshirt to church on Sunday. Standing next to my two new church BFs (who are in their 70's and about 5 foot nothin') I felt a little out of place. I was huge, towering over everyone and wearing a sign that said "YES I JUST ROLLED OUT OF BED AND CAME HERE AND YES I PUT ON JUST A TAD BIT OF BRONZER IN ATTEMPT TO GET THE NATURAL LOOK BUT TOTALLY FAILED AND YES I KNOW MY ROOTS HAVE GROWN OUT AND NO I HAVE NOT WASHED MY HAIR IN 2, NO MAKE THAT 3, DAYS…" I got really mad, really fast and wanted nothing more than to push Betty Crocker aside and book it for the door. However that'd make MORE people look at me and my boots with mismatch legwarmers running through the pews. Then my sign would read "YES MY LEGWARMERS DON'T MATCH BUT IN THE DARK THEY DID AND I THOUGHT THEY'D GIVE ME THE 'I REALLY DIDN'T CARE AND I'M SO CAP HILL' LOOK BUT CREAM AND WHITE ARE TWO VERY DIFFERENT COLORS…." So there I was stuck, sure that EVERYONE was looking at me and hating me when I had a flashback. I was 10, wearing my super cool button-up silk shirt with matching silk butterfly skirt finished off with my iridescent purple lipstick and I was in church. I was standing next to two 70-year-old women wanting to run…no throw a tantrum…out of the church but I couldn't because that'd draw more attention to my giganticness. So I just got mad. I had had it up to here (I'm reaching very high with my right hand) with the "you're SO TALL" comments from my granny's friends. So I pretended that by glaring at everyone, especially this old dude at the front of the church (yes the pastor), I would make them feel the hate and uncomfortable feeling I had. I would make those old ladies with their white hair and Velcro tennis shoes regret that they kept pointing out how tall I was, how big I was, how DIFFERENT I was. And something clicked. (We are back in my church and with my lemony yellow 24 year old self) I realized my insecurities have always driven me away from God. Those early memories that I just spoke of made me hate church. I always thought God was against me and looked down upon me. When in reality we are totally like BFFs and he's got my back and he's the shit. In church this Sunday we read a story about a man who was obsessed by a demon. When Jesus showed up at his church the demon could sense it and started freaking out. The man began to yell during the sermon for Jesus to leave. This happened because such a holy presence was near and the once quiet, sneaky, sonofabitch got scared and needed to pull away from Jesus and his light. Jesus saw this demon and told him to leave, that he had no presence here, no power, and the evil was gone. Our pastor, Pastor James, told us to take whatever demon that we are obsessed with and turn it over to God. To close our eyes and picture us handing that sin off to him. At first my mind raced, what demon do I give up? There are so many. For some reason God pointed out my disbelief. Even though I go to church, until Sunday I didn't really get why I deserved an unconditional love from Him. Why I deserved nice boys to be nice to me. To get compliments. To have a good job. For things to work out. I didn't trust good moods or positivity because I was always waiting for it to go away. And in this moment as my eyes are closed and I'm listening to Pastor James, I saw myself give over my uncertainty. I whispered, "Amen" and opened my eyes to the light, that filled them and my heart. I felt whole, serene and calm and I knew that everything was going to be ok. To trust. To trust Him and myself. For I'm His child and if I do my best to live my life the way He wants me to He'll fulfill His end of the deal. Now I talk about this because when I was little the demon that I'm obsessed with now was present too. I have disliked myself and been very angry for a long time. And back in that little 10 year old head of mine that demon won. It took me away from God and it's taken me 14 years to find Him. Kris

It Only Took Me 24 Years

So you know how I keep ranting on about how I'm an anorexic / bulimic?

And I'm in program for over eating and alcoholism?

...If you do the math that doesn't make sense.

Even as a really sucky math kid I know that.

You'd think that bulimia / anorexia would equal me being in program for bulimia / anorexia or maybe I'd try out a program called ANOREXICS BULIMICS ANONYMOUS.

However, my chicken ass is not. After being in other 12 step programs for a year and a half, I have not once tried getting help specifically for my eds.

HOWEVER, again, for the first time, in 24 years and 4 months and one day (on the dot) of my life I am actually asking for help with my eating disorder.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnd I'm scared shitless.

Mostly I am afraid that they will make me eat things I don't want to, tell me to eat more or less, and the biggest one of all, all the girls will be thinner than me.

I am terrified to sit in a room with other girls (that look better than I do) and talk about how much we hate ourselves. Whether or not I'm fatter than them or ugly in comparison really means a lot because, as you know looks are everything*.

* SARCASM (and yes I know * go at the end of the page but this is my blog and I do what I want)

Anyway, the shame that comes with being fat and ugly and not attractive to other people ESPECIALLY to myself has kept me from getting help where I need it most until yesterday.

As I said in my last post, I have been very confused as to what to do. Slowly but surely with the help of a TON of praying, and a very corageous friend of mine, I've decided to start going to ABA meetings. First one is Sunday.

My friend didn't mean to do it, they were just sharing their struggle and hope and in turn inspired me.

I FRICKIN LOVE THAT...wait...since when do I not swear...I FUCKING LOVE THAT.

See, I'm really selfish and I think I'm the only one with problems, however every time I get my head out of my ass and listen rather than rant, I learn I'm not the only one. I'm not the only one hurting. I'm not the only one who's confused and lost.
But I'm also not the only one trying to get better. Seeing that someone else can be courageous enough to try, to know that they deserve something better is the most inspiring thing.

So there's a fire lit under my skinny ... no wait is it fat? ass and I'm going for it.

And now that I've told all of you I'm going to this meeting, I really actually have to.

Oh shit.

Sorry For the Profanity

Lately, I've been confused. Ok well maybe that's not a true statement, I've always been confused, a tad off shall we say, uncertain, hmm indecisive…oh wait I'm doing it now…not sure which word to use, how to present my thoughts, what those thoughts actually are.

Living in my head is like 20 questions plus 100 more.

And while I'd like to always have a moral, an inspirational, invigorating, totally kickass post for you, three days ago I wanted to give you guys this…

"I don't know what to fucking say. I don't know how I fucking feel other than I want to rip things from the walls and throw them around until the pressure and tension and anger that I have is gone. Until I feel better. Until I'm not confused anymore until I can make sense of the fucked up shit in my head. I don't know what I'm fucking feeling so don't fucking ask. I hate coming clean with you because that means I have to come clean with myself and that brings to light all the fucking issues I have. All the shit I don't know. All the shit I feel. All the shit I don't know I feel. I don't know if what I hear in my head is God or me trying to make myself feel better.

Why is it so scary to be me, ALL of me? Because I'm not sure who that is. I have all this shit piled up all these issues addictions I don't even know what just stuff that's coming out of me and I can't handle it. I never learned how. But it's my disease that's causing the shit but I deal with that shit with doing this shit. WELL SHIT.

And I don't want to fucking pray. I want to feel better now."


That is unedited, raw, very angry shit people. And really embarrassing to put up here. Thank God I don't have to actually watch any of you read this…THAT'D be creepy.
However, the reason I share this with you now is because I've realized that I'm doing this right. This meaning fuckinglivingman and right meaning correctly FOR ME.
I have been asking my sponsors, my friends, my family, and God what the next step is. Why can't I get it? What am I doing wrong? What do I need more of?

I've been so focused on what needs to change that I don't realize what I'm doing. The fact that I wrote all that messed up angry stuff above means that I stopped and ACTUALLY WROTE IT OUT. I didn't eat my entire kitchen, throw up, I didn't drink, I didn't go to the gym for 3 hours…which is, in order, what I would usually do.
I got out my laptop and had a little fit and talked to God. And I felt better after. But not immediately. It wasn't until today AFTER CHURCH (I say that in caps because the entire time DURING church I was supposed to repent I couldn't get all of my stuff to come out right then bam time was up everyone out so I was pissed off that I wasn't healed and still confused) that I realized I've been looking to everyone to solve my problems, tell me how to do it correctly, when I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DO THAT.

I'm the only one I have to make happy in my life, I'm the only one who has to live with me for the rest of my life and I'm the only one who can change me (saying for the rest of my life wouldn't really make sense here…but it doesn't flow very nicely without it…)

So I am comforted in knowing that my messed up stumbling path that's pretty much blind is slightly working. I throw up 2 a month, haven’t drank in 3 and sad to say HA I think I'm sick of starving myself. I am happier than I've ever been, and even though I'm not sure if I'm doing it right, how it should be done, how it's been done in the past, I'm fucking doing it and it's working.

Grassy Ass

Can I just say, well of course I can, this is my blog :) THANK YOU.

My heart just dropped and started racing and this really rediculous smile came across my face...and yup it's still there...BECAUSE...

MY LAST POST HAD 58 VIEWS WITHIN AN HOUR OF WRITING IT.

I swear I don't even have that many friends.

You guys rock. All of the positive feedback I get from you, the messages, comments, "likes: etc mean the world to me.

While, ya selfishly this is all for me, but at the same time who doesn't like to be liked?

Not this self-conscious anorexic bulimic addict crazy person.

From those of you who message me personally about your struggles, to offering your support, to the random (this is one of my favorites) reader who yelled across the bar a couple Saturday nights ago "I LOVE YOUR BLOG!"

THANK YOU. From the bottom of my heart.

The support, honesty, and well ATTENTION that you show me, my writing and my uh...cause? Is killer. Just superb. Awesome (with a gigantic capital A).

So much love for you all.

Keep coming back <3

Always A Bridesmaid Never A Bride

Just like in Good Luck Chuck mixed with 27 Dresses...I seem to have that special something that helps guys find their soul mates ... while conveniently leaving my life entirely.

SUCKS. Or well kind of. Really I'm ok...no...FRICKIN' FANTASTIC...being single but in the long run I hope I have a big screen romantic story like the movies when I finally meet my match.

I say the above because I can list six guys that are now engaged / married that I was the last person they dated.

I will NOT list them by name but here goes some stories.

My huge infatuation for about 4 years of my life left me (and rightly so) for his current fiance. Saying I needed to work on myself before I could love someone else (again rightly so).

Another long time friend has stopped talking to me in order to be dedicated to his soon to be fiance.
Lovely.

Another guy I dated started giving me the cold shoulder after going on a trip where he met his girl friend that he now spends hundreds of dollars to go see every other week since they are in different parts of the country. So yes...from me to a very serious situation.

In college I had a guy friend confess he liked me but was also interested in another girl. I told him I saw him as a friend and he went for his other crush, who I am happy to say he is now engaged to.

I have had two other guy friends end our friendship because they felt that I was distracting them from their girl friends. NOT TO SAY THAT I AM AT ALL FLIRTATIOUS OR SLEEZY WITH ANYONE'S BOYFRIENDS...because well I'm not. But I don't know what it is, this just happens to me a lot.

I felt it was interesting and wanted to share. Because like I say as much as this is for you, this blog is more for me.

I find myself being pretty damn pissed off at each one of my friends for doing this to me, but another friend brought a silver lining to my child-like pouting...

It wasn't meant to be. For whatever reason, no matter how much I cared / care about each one of these friends, they are not meant to be in my life. They are not the friends I thought they were. Not that they are bad people, it's pretty admirable that they are willing to dedicate themselves to their significant other like that, but it is still saying something about our friendship.

Once again, I'm reminded that my life is out of my control, and in entirely in God's, as it should be. I just need to trust in him and see how he's working in my life rather than push against it.

So since that's six guys, I only have 21 more until I find my prince charming.

GREAT.