Treatment : Pause II

I can't stand it.
My heart is racing and my teeth are clenched.
I'm fuckin' pissed.
I can't tell what's in my head and what's real. I have so much anxiety at the table.
I wish no one in my family knew about ED and I.
I wish I could not be driven to madness by their slurps, crunches and sucking sounds when I'm not eating.
I wish I could know what their sideways comments mean "Oh you changed again. How many outfits do you need?"
I tried asking my mom if I could leave the table quietly but she wouldn't listen so I had to say it loud and bam everyone is staring at me. The problem child, the fucked up kid, the mess up once again interrupting  What are they thinking now? It's like I can't do anything right. If I stayed I would have not be present, so inside my thoughts with how much I hated sitting there, how judged I felt, how just fucking mad I am.
I want to be pleasant, I want to be socialable but once again I'm not. I feel so alone and just like I don't fit. I don't fit in anywhere. I've always looked for something to fill this space of being so totally alone and there's nothing. ED did it for a while. I tried booze that doesn't work. I tried boys and that doesn't work. I'm trying faith and that's the closest I've gotten. Loving myself and who I am and truly believing I deserve happiness has given me glimpses of joy of pride and the hole seems to be gone-but it's back now.

I ate according to my meal plan, I tried everything with a mindful minute (where I think about what I'm eating and really taste it-sounds weird but it is SO helpful-try it) and didn't go over or under. I even had creamed corn stuff that was so good I wanted to have 4ths-usually this would have scared me. So if it's not the food that's making me anxious what is it?

Ok so in order to try to make myself smile I'm making an analogy, think of when you really have to fart but you're on a first date. You try to hold it in and act like nothings wrong but then you just get awkward and more uncomfortable. So then to make up for your awkwardness you make small talk and jokes that just suck because your mind is so focused on not letting one go. Then you can't stand it anymore excuse yourself and you can't even do what you have to do for some stupid reason. This sucks because A you were just super weird for no reason and drew attention to yourself and B because you still have gas. If you go back the same shit will happen again but if you stay away too long your company will think you're rude.

DOES THIS MAKE SENSE? Or did I just write about farting. God I'm SO single.

So hmm....I guess I'm just focused on what everyone else wants, what everyone else is thinking. Being with family is hard, I just am mind reading the fuck out of them and it's driving me crazy. But I'm creating my own drama, my own anxiety by doing this.

Also, there was a lot of negative talk there in the beginning. I'm supposed to not do that. I'm complicating things, let's make it simple...

I have to bring everything back down to normal size from the monstrosity I blew it up to.

If anyone is looking at what I'm eating and how it's because they care.
My Tia made what I took as cutting comments and why do I care what she thinks? I changed my outfit because I want to look pretty and be comfortable which involves an outfit change, it's to make me happy that's it.
I ate on my meal plan at a not so healthy meal. FUCKYABITCHES.
I left rather awkwardly, but well I am awkward you can't change the past.
If I just stay present and enjoy the company and remember why I'm here then I'll be ok.
I'm calm now.
I know I have His guidance and His love. I'll just take one thing at a time for what it is.

They are checking on me now. Ugh ED says - they thought you were throwing up. You made a scene you suck.

I say, they just want me to go do dishes HA!

Phew.

I'm sad to say it but I miss dinner at the center.

God bless!