Treatment: Day Suck or Four

Today is Cray-Cray Thurssssss-day.

Because today is YOU MUST EAT THIS FATTENING DESSERT IN FRONT OF COUNSELORS AND DIETITIANS IN 15 MINUTES THEN WRITE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS day.

So some shit happened today. A dietitian (who is human I understand) served one of the girls an ice cream bar that didn't have the calories / fat /carbs blacked out (every nutritional information thingy is completely unreadable - for a good reason ha). So poor girl saw what we all fear most-the reality of what we are eating.

I got ballsy and asked for peanut butter chocolate ice cream. Which is my number one binge food. I eat that shit like it's fucking crack. And every time, every SINGLE time, since I was  about 19 I have thrown up after. Welp not today. YAY? Because my mind was saying fuck you you fucking fatty. But then it'd go...this shit is bomb. And I'd look up at the table and be present in the conversation we were all having and laugh as I took another bite and realized that I was just having ice cream with friends.

But it's so much more than that.

So some other shizz happened like we talked intensely after dessert which is like the last thing you want to do. SOMETHING TRAMATIZING JUST HAPPENED: LET'S TALK ABOUT OUR FEEEWINGS.

Fuck that noise. I want to rage in my head then hulk out.

I did no such thing. I did however talk about my feewings, like the little recovering bulimic anorexic that I am.

I said that I'm scared I enjoyed it, what does that mean? What if I like it and can't stop eating it? Food isn't supposed to be enjoyed rather controlled. I'm scared that I'll go home and binge since I've started eating these forbidden foods. (Mind you I have not :) and it's thanks to this outlet and you guys checking up on me!). I'm also slightly numb. Like I can't get as mad as I used to about eating this stuff, does that mean I'm recovering or giving up and just putting bad food in my body as a punishment? Also, I don't want to think about all the fat I ate (we had mayo, cheese, ice cream all in one meal) because I get anxious adn want to get rid of it NOW. So do I ignore it?

No. I learn ways to deal with these thoughts. I catch these negative words and names in my head and realize it's not me it's her. From there I'm still not sure what to do, because if I just say "you're not fat." I just go "ha yes you are." Hmm. Not productive.

On top of this my Granny is dying. She is going off dialysis. I haven't seen her since she found my puke spread out all over her floor after the dog got into it (I had thrown up in a trash can and didn't have time to get rid of it). She began to clean it up.

Ya. Let that sink in.

I told her that day of my struggles and she didn't know, she also didn't judge. It was that day my Tia and Granny helped me decide to start on this path.

That was two years ago.

Now she's barely living, barely EATING. And look at what I'm doing. ED says I'm disgusting and should be ashamed for my problem of bingeing and purging but this new voice aka my friends in treatment are telling me she'd want me here and to get healthy. So I'll go with that I guess.

Tomorrow's family forum. So I'll see my mom.

Yay?

Yay.