Treatment Day : 14 This Is Hard

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FERBZsyOcsw&feature=autoshare

There's so much going on in my head and I just want to take my thoughts, organize them and put them away. I just want to feel better.

Think of it like ... I have to do my laundry, but there's clothes I want to give away oh and before I can start either of those I need to go get more quarters for the washer so I have to walk to QFC where I could go get food but then I'd have to make a list and I forgot how much money I have left in my budget which reminds me that I need to see how much I spent going out last night…

Yaddida?

Everything is all over the place and I can't get a grasp on it and I can't start fixing things until I know what's wrong.

BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG.

Here's a start.

My granny is dying. Right now. I could get the call any moment. She hasn't eaten a thing in over a week. She no longer talks, just nods or shakes her head. She stares out the window when she is awake. My dad is in Florida and has said his goodbyes, now it's a sick twisted waiting game. I can't do anything to help ease whatever it is he's feeling.

Every time I start to think about my Granny I have to stop or else I will cry-like the blubbering, sobbing, ugly weird noises kind of crying.

Then there's the whole eating disorder thing.

I am having conflicts with if being hungry is ok. If getting excited to eat is ok. If not wanting to workout everyday is ok. If buying bigger jeans is ok.

Instead of feeling empowered and like I'm in control (like Kris is talking not Ed) when I do enjoy a meal or chose to not workout I feel weak. Ed makes me feel like I'm a pushover and lazy. Like I've given up.

OH! Shit. Hm I guess I am giving up—the disease. But Ed doesn't want me to see it that way. It wants me to see it as shameful failure.

Today I went to my friggin' fantastic friend's baby shower. I showed up in my finest rehab clothes, hair that hasn't been washed in 3 days and I still had some makeup on from last night. HOLLA.

The other girls there were "cuter than me," "more interesting than me," and thought "I was ugly and awkward." The quotes are for what ED's telling me. FYI.

I realized Ed was talking shit. So I stepped out and called a friend or well talked at her voice mail.

As I talked I realized that what I was saying was rediculous. These girls aren't going to not talk to me because my hair is oily and if they didn't they ain't nothin' but bitches.

I also realized that I was giving the food power. But no I'm in power now. I don't have to be scared of it. I can have a taste enjoy it and move on. And that's what I did.

I was present the entire shower and had so much fun watching my friend get ready for her baby girl to arrive. 

Later I was texting this guy I met last night. He invited me and "my girls" (no not my tatas) over to watch football. I got mad immediately, he's just texting me to get with my hot friends. But I paused and said no Ed he didn't say that so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and I told him "my girls" were unavailable he said ok well then you come over. Oh. Ok.

After eating corn, beef and a salad covered in dressing and cheese courtesy of the center, I came home without working out and am having a glass of wine. I have not done a thing but caught up with a friend, semi cleaned my room and did half my dishes and that's it. I am not upset that I have that food sitting in me-even though that took some time to believe-and I am not devaluing myself because of it. 

I'm fucking enjoying myself.

Now I'm doing my favorite thing with one of my favorite things. That means writing and drinking for you slow people.

Today was a small dose of what the real world has in store when I'm not safely behind the center's walls, and well I passed. It was fucking hard but I passed.

Good night. God bless.