Treatment Day 6: Saturday

Note to self: don't try on your old jeans. It makes you cry. Which in turn makes you blubber. Which makes you not very attractive-jussayin'. And then you waste your only "night off" from treatment (we get to go in at 10 instead of 8 am tomorrow. woop.) crying and saying very mean things to yourself and not getting anything done making yourself feel worse and then you hear the crowds all skipping to the bars and the gays laughing and the bass of the clubs and then you FEEL EVEN WORSE that you have no life and didn't go out because A. no one asked you to B. no one answered your lame efforts to have a social life and C. you would be a pill to be with tonight anyway.

Whew!

So long story short treatment today WAS THE BEST DAY YET. For serious.
I felt like I was hanging out with my girls all day. We even got to make our dinner, Fish cilantro lettuce wraps, cucumber salad and soba noodles. Bombskis.

The only hard part was writing down what the 'negative tape' says in our heads mine was that I am a fat ass, meaning literally my ass IS FAT. I can feel it now resting on top of my sausage thighs. I am sweating like a pig because my body is actually detoxing (who knew I was really fucking with it?) and can't shake the overwhelming feeling of hatred and failure.

The pants that used to hang off of me are so snug it's like as I said a sausage just encased. Sick. I turn around to examine my behind and burst into tears. Things that weren't there before are there now and for some odd reason that REALLY upsets me. The shame I have with gaining this much weight is unbearable and I don't know how to put into words what I'm feeling (hmmm maybe I shouldn't have a BLOG since all I do is have words).

But I called a friend and she reminded me that even though I've gained doesn't mean I'm fat. SHe's a sweetheart but I don't believe her. Of course it means I'm fat, if I was skinny they'd fit. But some part of me really wants to believe her. I'd be so much happier, life would be easier if it were that simple, I guess if it were that simple then I wouldn't spend a grand (yes a GRAND) a day on treatment. But she also told me that God made me this way and to trust my body. That helps.

The last thing that makes it kind of ok is that today I heard "don't fit into the jeans, find jeans that fit you."

For now I'll stick to dresses.

Good night, God bless.