Treatment Day : 12 Digging Up The Past

Hi ya.

So I walked in the door about 20 minutes ago.

This bitch is tired.

I'm going to keep it short and sweet - the exact opposite of yours truly.

One thing stands out from today and that is thoughts are not always true or helpful.

"I'm fat." "No one likes me." - Just because I say those doesn't mean they are true. They most certainly are not helpful.

I began believing these thoughts when I was young-like 12.

Today in treatment I began my eating disorder timeline, which just covers when my behaviors started and significant events as it progressed.

This brought up a lot, like way more than I could process, but I'm going to start now.

So, picture tall (like tallest girl in the class) awkward me with self-cut bangs and a happy go lucky attitude with a bit of spunk and sport to her. That was me in 5th grade, 5th turned to 6th and out of nowhere I had no friends. All of a sudden I was not cool and I was very alone.

I still remember a cute boy calling me "Super Bitch" I didn't even know what a bitch was.

Everything I seemed to do was wrong and the girls I was once friends with pushed me away. They were small, petite and cute, I desperately wanted to be like them and have my friends back.

From 6th grade on I have been trying to fit a mold.

I think I learned that I can't control what people think of my personality and who I am but I can control my looks and make them like me that way.

That is very sad to me.

The teasing kept on all the way to high school but instead of hurtful words it was actions.

Dog shit on my door step.
WHORE spray painted on my lawn (my dad found it. I was dating someone at the time)
Senior year I woke up to my car painted with dicks all over it, "bitch" "beer slut" etc written for everyone to see.

I didn't like school and most of the time was lost. God it still hurts now.

So that's what I'm dealing with and having it brought up makes me want to shove it back down.

On the bright side we get to see Finding Nemo 3D tomorrow. It's to practice sitting in one spot (well that's just my issue), and having those trigger foods around us in a public setting.

God it's like being released into the wild after being in a zoo.

Good night, God bless.