I'm fighting with my significant other.
They are being so abusive, selfish and one-sided.
It's not fair.
It's like every time I try to reason with them, see the light in something, they shoot me down.
Words can never hurt me? Ya fucking right.
I just don't know what's right anymore. I'm being told I deserve better but I've put so much time and effort into this relationship, it's comfortable. And when things are good they are really good. It's like I remember why I fell in love in the first place.
Today we went out to lunch. It was a lunch with us and our friends. They chose a burger place-Lunchbox Experiment-my heart sank. I looked at them and we understood each other-this was fucking stupid.
But I tried being independent. Hmm what DO I want? There was beef, lamb, turkey / chicken. Countless kinds of mayo and cheese, none of which I'd ever had before. They seemed to tantalizing and yet scary. Do I seriously want pineapple mayo? Is feta good on a burger? I saw sweet potato fries and decided that was something that I truly wanted.
But when it came to the monstrous burger I didn't know what to do, I ended up with pepper jack and bbq sauce.
Service was terrible. It brought down the mood. Sitting for so long anticipating our meal was no fun. They kept distracting me with thoughts like why did you order that? This is disgusting. I can't believe you made us come here, I told you this was a bad idea. You're going to get so fat. Fuck you already are, might as well eat all of it. -
I looked at the girl next to me-practically skin and bones-I caught sight of my thighs. I surpressed tears.
Our meal finally came out and the burger was huge. I had to eat 3/4 of it plus some fries. The anxiety at the table was overwhelming.
I started eating, getting embarrassed that most of my sauce was on my chin. Not a way to look on a date.
It tasted pretty good. But that's when they hit me. Slapped me awake.
DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING? What the hell. What have we worked for? You have to throw this up. You can see the oil, the grease, this is disgusting and so are you.
Then they became sweet, they held my hand and told me that I don't have to eat this bad food and if you do eat enough so you can get sick later. Who cares what the guests think? WE are in charge.
The meal ended and I ate only what I was supposed to. We sat together feeling sick, fat and uncomfortable. I was unaware of anyone else around us, only them and me, in our twisted love-sick relationship.
I missed out on the taste of the food, the great company and the joy of being outside because of my significant other.
See, I thought I was past this. I thought I had conquered my food fears. I thought didn't get separation anxiety anymore-guess I was wrong.
Shame flooded me. I had messed up. I was supposed to be on that lunch outing alone. It was like I brought a guy to girls night-such a boner kill.
I left the meal feeling so confused. What had I just eaten? Why was that so hard? Why was I so mad? Why couldn't I just ignore them and be present with my company? Why had I failed again.
I think that's the worst. Knowing that they still have a hold on me no matter how hard it seems I try to let go and be single, find me without them. I should break up with them. They are no good for me, they only hurt me but I'm addicted to their love, their twisted ways that feel so good when it's good. But things haven't been good for a long while.
I'm just humbled that I have so much farther to go than I did. And even now as I write, my favorite form of release, I hear them in my head - "that burger is sitting on your thighs and all of that cheese-you have to get rid of it....I hate you I hate you I hate you. You're hungry? Are you fucking serious? You disgust me. Better put sweats on before you go out, no one wants to see your fat ass..."
I can't find the calm and I can't find the quiet I had just yesterday.
I think it's time for me and E.D. (eating disorder) to break up.
Allllllllllllll my single ladies?
No comments:
Post a Comment