Treatment Day : 16 Crying Gives Me a Headache

To repeat myself...this treatment thing is hard.
I miss my granny.
I'm exhausted from crying.
And until late today I was a big Negative Nancy.

I was on such a great path with treatment. I mean I wasn't as skinny as the other girls (which for once is a plus), I wasn't throwing up or abusing booze, I had a happy go lucky attitude and got along with everyone.

Then I got slapped with reality.

I'm sick. I have a disorder just like every other person in treatment. Zis is why I'm paying thousands to be in treatment, because I need it.

Doh.

My therapist, peers and diet tech all told me things I was doing wrong. Like comparing myself to the skinnier girls, their meals. Comparing myself to other's treatments. Asking innappropriate questions in the kitchen and at mealtime (like nutritional info). Picking out single pieces of chicken chunks so I didn't get a fatty one.

You know the usual.

While some of this may seem human, harmless and ridiculous-it's all connected with my recovery and others. And it's all caused by ED. stupid bitch.

I took it as what I was doing wrong = I'm failing = I'm a terrible person = No one likes me and repeat.

Then my granny died.

Then I got sadder.

I couldn't get the loop out of my head and I was digging deeper. It's like every time I tried righting something I just made it worse.

I was brought back to high school and wanting to please everyone around me and not doing so and hating myself for not being able to.

But then I did the most uncomfortable thing. I was positive. I pushed through it, it wasn't easy. I ignored those comments I made to myself and chose to see things in a different light-through different eyes.

MY EYES not Ed's.

The things I was doing, the comparing and analyzing my food isn't me. So when I'm called out on behaviors like that it's just them trying to get Ed out of me. If I work on these things then I'll be more me, whoever that is.

I vented this to the group at the end of the day and they were all "We love you Kris! It makes us mad that you even say that we don't like you..." etc. And I'm almost believing them rather than thinking it's a sympathy thing.

It's just so UNCOMFORTABLE and stupid sounding to be nice to myself.

So I'm pretty happy with myself.

Now it's off to find plane tickets to Tallahassee that aren't a grand. If you have a private jet, please let me use it.

PS I was watching Pineapple Express before writing and this part made me laugh so hard I choked on my Sleepy Time Tea. Aw.

Either I'm brain dead from all these emotions and shit or this movie gets better every time.

Let's go with both.