Treatment Day 7: First Week Down

So today is Sunday which usually means I'd be watching football and trying to understand it to look hot for boys. No, it doesn't work, but yes, I still try.

I was late because-well, as most of you know I like to have bus adventures.
In case you were wondering it takes me 5 minutes to sprint-yes sprint- to Nordstrom from my house.

I'm ok today. It's calmer on the weekends-oh except when the sight of my face in the mirror makes me Hulk out.

Story time!

I was just washing my hands before "outside break time" WOO and I looked into the mirror.

I admired my super cool Seahawks shirt then looked up a bit further and saw that my sports bra and chain to my necklace looked funny sticking out from my shirt.

Further up I noticed a breakout then another and another.

Then I saw my make up was orange looking-great I look like a Real Housewife.

My eyelashes weren't right.

My roots were vivid, my hair was part curly part electrocuted and part oily.

And I looked to the girl next to me who was not wearing any make up and looked gorgeous.

I don't know if I hated her or myself more.

I looked back in the mirror and this uncontrollable rage hit me.

I started crying. I needed to release this anger and shame so I grabbed a pillow and chucked it at the wall a couple times. Saying lord only knows what. I think there were words like "fuck, shit, ugly, sogoddamn..." etc.

My therapist (since we have one follow us around ALL THE TIME) asked if I'd like to go outside and TALK.

I thought, Gurl. Do I LOOK LIKE I WANT TO TALK?

And that's exactly what I said to her.

I DON'T WANT TO BE ANALYZED I DON'T WANT TO SORT OUT MY FUCKING FEELINGS AND I DON'T WANT TO BE ANOTHER TYPICAL ANOREXIC BULIMIC CASE. I AM FUCKING HUMAN AND I'M SO FUCKING MAD AND GOING CRAZY IN HERE. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

So we walked (I ran) downstairs to the calm serene that is the Mercer Slough. People were kayaking for fucks sake. I think I disturbed them by my Hulkingness.

Therapist asked what would make me feel better. I said, "not being ugly and fat."
She didn't like that so she asked again. I said "working out, but you people won't let me move."
"Ok what else makes you happy?"
"Work. Work does. But I can't do that either. SO WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?"
She told me to just get it out, FEEL my FEEWINGS (yes I do that on purpose). And I did.

I calmed the fuck down apologized ten times over and talked to another therapist.

She told me it was ED and she was LOUD. I really can't decipher the truth from ED when it comes to my looks and my body. Because, dude, if you saw my hair you'd know I had better days.

We concluded that this is a difficult, long, process HOWEVER

SHE THINKS I'M BAD ASS (seriously she said that) and tough and determined. ED was telling me I'm wrong that she's just being nice but fuck you ED I am tough and BA (kind of, I mean I'm obsessed with kittens) and so determined.

I just realized I just ruined any sliver of a chance at having a dating life that I had haha

But I guess I just wanted to get across that I'm human, this is hard and not needing to remind you all of that but me, that I've done these habits for 10 years and it's going to take more than 7 days to break them.

Good thing I've got 35 more days in here.

Goodnight God bless.