Treatment Day : 19 Reality.

So. I went into public today.

OMG.

It was awesome. 

I went to a M's game with my coworkers and it was the weirdest feeling. I saw everyone who lives the life I miss, the life I can't wait to get back, or well to LIVE. You know?

I loved their hugs, smiles and "how are you"s.

I was reminded of why I'm working so hard in treatment to just be done with ED. 

Today I was reminded of values. My values used to be just about being thin, being hot and desired and I did everything in my power to obtain that goal. 

I didn't eat, I worked out excessively, I put myself down constantly as a motivator to get better.

But then better never came and nothing was good enough.

Now though, my values are changing. I value myself, my honesty and loyalty to my friends and family and God. I value being a genuine person. I value my sarcasm. 

I am starting to accept myself. God it's so cheesy but I'm starting to like myself.

Tonight could have gone two ways, I could have obsessed over how I've gained weight and what are they thinking about me? Do they REALLY miss me? Or I could have done what I did and just looked forward to catching up. I was just there to have fun and freeze my ass off watching a terrible game of baseball in a next to nothing empty stadium. And I did just that.

All I heard tonight was genuine concern and interest in my life. In how I was. In that I was missed. I'm just on cloud nine right now. I got a taste of "normal" life and what I can have...and I can't wait to go to treatment tomorrow and work my ass off, push myself, because I deserve to have what I had briefly tonight for the rest of my life.

God bless.