Treatment Day 28 : Explaining ED

Explaining ED.

ED harms the mental, physical, emotional and spiritual well being of me and my family and friends.

In order to understand this addiction, I need to realize what benefits I get from it. This will help me figure out why I keep doing these abusive habits even though they are clearly not healthy.

To get better from the disease I also have to find out why it started.

Here are some reasons:

1. the more powerless I feel in the environment I'm in, the more strongly I'll experience the need to control my food and my body.
1. when growing up I felt helpless, at school especially when the girls stopped liking me.
2. When an environment is seen as untrustworthy then I use the structure and order of ed to have stability and protection.
1. at home I thought my parents were out to get me. Also, this was where some things happened that lead me not to trust my family.
3. Ed becomes a protector and a friend to me in an uncertain world.
1. again with the out of control / lost theme. I didn't have many friends in junior high (or felt as though I didn't) I also didn't get along with my parents. I always felt out of place. This was the one thing I could rely on. I could rely on the starvation and the exercise and them always being there in my head.
4. To avoid stress the compulsive patterns and behaviors that are disordered become a distraction. 
1. I would often have an exhausting schedule that would leave me feeling accomplished. For example working at 7 am then going to classes filming til 9 at night and then editing well into the morning when I was in college. Doing all of that wouldn't allow me time to sit and think to myself, or be inside my head which is where I feel empty and alone.
2. a preoccupation with food also lets me numb out. If i'm thinking about what I will eat, what I haven't eaten, how my next binge will go I'm not able to focus on the loneliness I feel inside.

In short goals that I try to obtain (subconsciously of course) through food manipulation are:

• punishment
• attention
• a cry for help
• escape
• avoid feeling
• comfort
• security
• accomplishment

ED also provided a distraction from:

• low self esteem
• fear of rejection / failure
• loneliness
• crisis / past trauma
• conflict
• stress

 So my manipulation of food and eating habits eventually lead to me to turn them into something else. A coping mechanism, a drug, an addiction and a fatal disease.

So this is where I'm at now. These habits, thoughts, rituals, way of life is now slowly being changed and I am figuring out what to replace them with. I'm learning what is healthy, happy, "normal" and it's a lot harder than I thought it would be.

However, I'm learning to distinguish my ED self from my authentic self. But ED's hands are twisted very tightly around my heart and every time I lift one of his fingers from my life source I can breathe a little easier. Function that much better. Laugh a little bit louder.

I wrote this in hopes for people to understand the disease. To show it's not just about weight, and body image. To try to give insight to those who are suffering. I know this explained a lot to me and helped me feel less alone and sad, rather that there is a way out and I'm taking it.

God bless.