Treatment Day 28 : Jealousy

Ok so, I went and saw Adventure Club and Big Gigantic last night and was unable to post this last night. However I did in fact write it last night, so it still counts. . .

So we have a new girl.

She's 18 and more put together than I will ever be.

I hate her.

Of course.

I'm so jealous of her. She's skinny (heh that's almost a given considering where I'm at I guess), uniquely pretty, worldly and is NICE on top of that. 

She reminded me of the name of the bar under Moe Bar today. Like WTF.

So given all of these awesome facts, I of course, immediately want to be like her. Exactly like her.

Screw this self work shit I've been doing, this girl's got it together I need to be her. I have no amazing attributes compared to her. I mean she can pull off short  bangs for goodness sakes. She's the definition of Capitol Hill with a splash of Snohomish. Yes it works wonderfully together. And well kids, let's face it, I do not.

I feel like SHE has the answer to my emptiness and loneliness, not me.

Compared to her I'm fat, frumpy, I fumble over my words and am just lame. I should just not try.

I listen to her in group and shut down. Nothing I have to say anymore is worth saying. Nothing will sound as good as what she says. I shouldn't even try to dress fashionably at group anymore because my fashion can't compare to hers.

I'm a woozer.

I wish I was invisible.

Just when I was getting my feet on the ground this … I wanted to say bitch … but she's totally not one … this amazing 18 year old girl … comes in and wrecks everything.

HOLD UP.

Ed shut the fuck up.

As I'm writing this I realize what's happening. I'm COMPARING again. Not good. Comparing is the thief of joy. No really, it is.

I will NEVER be the skinniest, prettiest, most fun, smartest, clever-est…? haha If I compare myself to everyone. The whole reason I'm here is to find out WHO I AM not who I'm not!

So I shall write a gratitude make me feel good list:

1.       I liked the dessert we had today only it needed milk-all cookies do (and they were Halloween themed. I ate a bat and a pumpkin today.)

2.       I stopped eating when I was full – even though there was more on my plate (I have ranges…I plated high to test myself)

3.       I ate what I wanted to and not what ED said to eat so yes that means mayo in my tuna melt and peanut butter with my apples

4.       I am going to list off the top of my head people that care about me: Allie, Kara, Katelyn, Jess, Emily, Jake, Luke…

5.       I'm going to go SOBER to Adventure Club tonight!

Ballin'

So I'm actually in my work's bathroom right now typing this out. I should be at the show but I'm so damn dedicated to blogging that I had to get this out. Oh, I'm in my work's bathroom getting ready for the concert which is right next the venue.

I also should say it's weird being back. I miss this office so much. Some coworkers were here when I popped in. I feel like I've missed a lot and haven't. I feel awkward being here a bit but also excited. I want my life back…or well to start it new! And I get to go back to a place that's supportive and an environment that I thrive in.

God I'm so blessed.

Muwah good night God bless.