Treatment Day 35 : Poems About Puking.

In program we do a project that's called ED vs Authentic Self. I'm nowhere near artistic so I wrote. I used to write poems in high school and tried sharing them with my mom but they just freaked her out.

Lovely.

It felt good to write again, here's what I came up with today.

This is my pre-treatment self

I'm bent over the toilet, my rings are scattered on the floor
I swore I wouldn't do this anymore.

My heart races, my eyes water
But my determination never falters

I clasp the porcelain for support
and purge all of the hurt

I deserve the pain, the bloodshot eyes
The teeth marks on my hands tell no lies

I am weak, I am enslaved
I am addicted, I can't be saved

I wipe my mouth and take a breath
Oh that's lovely, I feel calm at last

Then here's the middle...my treatment self.

Ed and I are talking.

Who do you think you are
Like you've really come so far

I am strong, I am not weak
It is me, not you I seek

Silly girl, you created me
So in your heart I'll always be

No you were in my head, not my heart
It is life not death I want

Life without me is nothing at all
With no legs to stand on you will fall

I may be on the ground, on my knees
But it is here where I can pray to my God, to someone who really loves me.

This is who I want to be, hopefully, one day.

I can't see what's in front of me
But i know here is where I should be

One foot follows the last
I'm walking away from the past

I feel sure in my actions
But my head tries pulling me in another direction

I'm not sure what's right-what's wrong
But the old me is long gone

There's hope, there's life
That comes from strife

I have this light, this serenity
That comes from just being me