I had what's called a "fun food" today for snack. It's all candy, chocolate and cookies. Something that I used to put into my body just to get rid of.
To clarify what goes through my mind when I'm doing this it's kind of like I'm finally giving myself something I would never let myself eat in a normal day. It's a food that's garunteed to make me fat, miserable and ruin everything I'm working towards - being hot. So when I get to have sweets like this I eat them in excess, incredibly fast and don't even taste what I'm eating really. I zone out, and am numb. Like think about when you're drinking to get drunk and not feel. Or working out to do nothing but be into your work out. It's like that but with food. Same with getting rid of it. It's a form of self abuse and release. Each habit uses all your senses so you don't have to feel anything.
So today a friend in program grabbed a cookie and I was like I want one too.
It was bombbabombbombomb because I, me, Kris, wanted it not Ed.
So I had it.
End of story. Well almost.
It's really hard to explain my days at the center because so much yet so little happens.
Emotions go up and down all day long. I can be fine one minute then a girl triggers me the next and I'm feeling like I'm in a fog. I have trouble writing these blog posts because finding a central theme is hard.
But basically I'm noticing Ed fighting really hard. I keep writing that out but it keeps getting tougher each day and yet I come out on top.
Racing thoughts went through my mind after eating the fun food. I didn't get to walk home today, which cuts out a lot of calorie burning. I also didn't work out at all this morning so that's scary. Then for dinner we had chicken parmasean which I have been petrified to eat. I can't go to the gym tomorrow because I have plans, nor the next night because I have plans and now it sounds like Friday I may be with friends too. No gym for that long? AND they are upping my meal plan?
Thinking of all of this connectively is fucking hard. It's making me anxious. But I know how to combat it. That it's just Ed bitching. I'm learning to trust my body and moderation rather than my rituals. I need to let go of the fear of getting fat. It's just the unknown that freaks me out. I know that my body doesn't want to be obese it wants to get the nutrients from the food and get rid of the rest.
I WILL BE OK.
I didn't walk home tonight because my best friends picked me up and took me to another girls house.
GIRLS NIGHT! :)
It was a little hard at first seeing the freshly baked food as well as not getting inside my head worrying about how the girls were interpreting what I was saying. If they thought I was fat. If they liked me. Ed telling me I'm the most boring one in the room. But I came out on top.
I journaled earlier today and said taht "So if I have to white knuckle it and keep fighting especially when it's this hard I will."
Being with the girls tonight reminded me of LIFE. Of living. They are all moving forward, getting engaged, traveling for work, applying for new jobs and I am so proud of them. I could feel the love they have for me and while Ed was kind of saying they are just being nice and you really don't fit in, I was hearing their compassion and kindness too.
I don't know I'm rambling. Basically I'm feeling really strong right now, not strong that I'm better but that I can get better and I'm on the right track.
I feel so blessed that I have treatment, that each experience makes me stronger and that I have such a great support system because without them I would not be where I am today.
Good night God bless.
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