Treatment : Day 22 Faint

This morning the girls and I were talking. I felt like I was at a sleepover, we are all comfy in our blankets and just saying whatever comes to mind.

I was on my stomach with my legs curled up.

They called us for breakfast and I got up too fast. Or so I thought.

My head was light and I was dizzy.

I just tried brushing it off, but I couldn't. The room began to spin so I sat. My cheeks hot with embarrassment. The girls were concerned and gave me tips to try to help.

After laying on my back with my legs straight up in the air like a cool kid I got up to follow everyone to the kitchen.

I fell to my right after a couple of steps unable to get my head to focus.

Still laughing I sat down and said I think I'll just stay here for a bit.

The nausea came shortly after that along with it's bitch ass friend headache. 

I sat in the hall while a therapist stayed with me until our doctor came.

As I tried to recount my night and morning for them shame swelled within me. I had blocked it out because I didn't want to admit it.

I had had a mojito and that means that that's Ed's way of getting me to binge. I didn't realize it until writing now. It's not that I have an issue with booze, because I have now been able to control the quantity, but it's the effect it has on me and my ed. 

Every time you drink you know you're mind isn't as sharp and can tell you things that aren't true. Like hmm you're a great dancer, you will get with that chick if you drink more or you should go buy cookie dough and cake and eat it all then throw up. See? very manipulative. 

So I listened to Ed and we had a shitty time. It doesn't even do it for me anymore. I hate doing it and the regret in the morning. 

I was in such confusion and pain in the hallway I didn't even think about how telling them the truth was "setting me back" in my recovery. I'm afraid if I can't stop this they won't let me out ever. I am growing in so many ways but this habit still has a hold on me.

But if I lie then I'm letting Ed win. I have come too far to let the lies and manipulation back in. 

Plus, just because I still have the physical habit doesn't mean that I don't want recovery, it just means I haven't overcome that part yet.

So I stayed in a room and lied down for a couple of hours. I feel right as rain right now but I'm scared.

Seeing that this is really taking a toll on my body right now is scary. I did this to myself or well Ed did is unsettling and makes it more real.

I have to remember to be kind to myself. To know that I'm going to make mistakes but each mistake can become a lesson. Each slip up doesn't mean I'm falling into relapse it just means it's one more time I can prove to myself that I can get back up.