So I'm painting my nails "Fuchsia Fever," my pumpkin-maple-spice-amazing smelling candle is lit, I'm in the baggiest sweats I own (courtesy of an ex) and after this I'm going to crawl into bed and start reading The Time Traveler's Wife.
This is all in attempt to make me feel better, because currently I feel like poop.
Ewe. I hate that word.d
But seriously. WTF is wrong with me? (Ok. Wait. Positive talk. Nothing is wrong with me. I'm just not peachy keen right now...what does that even mean?...gah.)
The first thing I thought about when I woke up this morning was how I had an extra protein bar with my snack last night. Ed did not like this and told me not to eat my morning snack. To eat on the smaller side of my breakfast. And that my pants already didn't fit because my snack made me fat. Ya know, the usual.
I told Ed to shove it and I ate my morning snack and didn't change my outfit to make him feel better. But he didn't quiet down.
All day I've been back and forth with why do I eat food? I just have to work it off anyway. Every time I plated today, especially those things that have fat in them (ie peanut butter or sausage) I caught myself cursing myself for putting this in my body.
Just like two days ago I was A-O-K, I didn't have these thoughts and was just going along, being all recovered and shit. Why is this happening?!
Everything annoyed me today. The girl who wouldn't stop jittering her leg. The way the therapist looked at me. How my hair fell. That the bus driver told us to have a "terrific Tuesday" and that his name was George. I was a meany head today and I don't like it.
Oh. Light bulb.
Said just like that!
I guess basically I don't like that I'm not all smiles and happy and everything is easy.
WHY ISN'T EVERYTHING EASY?!
I keep forgetting that even though I'm in recovery it won't always be easy, that I'll have to keep fighting, keep working even though I've made tremendous progress. I also keep forgetting to be kind to myself and remember what I'm going through, I have every right to be irritable and stressed right now. I mean you guys too, if you're in a mood, or sad or disappointed or whatever negative feeling, if you really go back over what you're going through give yourself the credit you deserve. And also know that the feeling will pass and while you're still in that feeling to treat yourself like you would a friend who's going through something tough.
Easier said than done, but the reminder is always nice.
Good night, God bless.
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