Treatment Day 24 : Look Who's Talking

I'm at peace for the first time today.

I was reminded that God doesn't judge me, I don't need to be better in order for Him to love me, I can meet Him here and now and he'll love me just the same.

That is such a relief. I'm still trying to wrap my head around what that means though. I've lived in a world that's so restricted, full of rituals and hate that having someone love me unconditionally just for being me BLOWS MY MIND.

Here's where I was earlier today I wrote this on my way into treatment:

I'm confused. I drank last night. And binged and purged.

Again.

I'm fucking pissed at myself. I'm missing my second bus once again because I couldn't stop cleaning and trying to look good and trying to make myself feel better. It's no ones fault but my own and i feel ashamed and angry and embarrassed. I did this just yesterday. Why can't I get it through my head? Why do I keep pushing it? It's no ones fault but my own and I'm fucking upset. And angry and there's nothing I can do about it now but why do I keep doing this? I'm just sick of myself. My habits how I can't stop doing these things. If only I could I'd be so much better so much happier.

I'm sick of myself and my excuses and how I'm not changing and how I can't seem to get it through my head. I hate myself right now and I'm ashamed. Annoyed.

Messing up again reminds of before treatment and I don't like it. This feeling of waking up demoralized is not new, and I hate that. I don't want to do this anymore.

However once I get through the cloud of anger I realize that I need to be nice to myself, understanding.

I'm doing the hardest thing I've ever done right now, so of course I'm going to fuck up. I've been doing this for years and my habit won't break in 24 days.

But I really wish it would.

I've been late every day this week and I can see Ed directing my actions to get me to keep coming in late. It's basically saying screw you treatment, slowly demeaning it. Which is not what I want.

I never realized how much Ed influenced me. It's getting more clear...er...clearer...everyday but today I didn't see it until I began to pray and ask God for help.

Fast forward to me writing on break in treatment:

I was doing this all on the bus and when I got on my bike to rush to the center I talked to myself out loud.
Yes like a cool kid.

Saying something like "I am mad and ashamed, not at myself rather at Ed. Ed's cleaning habits and need for some kind of control made me late. Ed binged and purged. Ed is bringing you down now and wanting you to stay there so you keep doing destructive habits. You are not Ed. You made a mistake and you can't do anything about it now. Go to treatment and do your best. You are getting healthy, it's just slower than you like. Keep going."

I know I can't live in the past but I know it was hard to stop drinking all together but I wish I could go back to my sober / not bingeing days.

So I'm thinking that I'll make it easier on myself and stay away from drinking situations, just for now. I keep wanting to hold on to something normal. I'm not normal. Right now I need to nurture the new me, be kind to myself and that means not putting myself in tough situations that ed thrives in but rather places that are full of positivity.

That means doing things like yoga, putting Christmas lights in my room, going to a movie-who's taking me? :),  listening to my Freaknight playlist and picking out my 30999bajillionth Halloween costume and of course writing in here.

I'm not making sense. Good night. God bless!