Treatment Day 42 : Freaknight

Hi ya!

I'm cuddled up in bed and have spent the past hour trying to sleep.
It didn't work.

Just lost my train of thought because my best fwend called me.
We are going to Freaknight together.
WOO.

If I could do jazz hands, I would be doing them now.
What the hell does that mean?

So the reason I couldn't sleep was because well it's hours until I see BINGO PLAYERS, MORGAN PAGE, FLUX, DADA LIFE etc LIVE and get to dress up as a giraffe and be seen by hundreds in a strapless nude bra-who the hell wouldn't be awake? But also because I had feelings that I needed to sort out. So here goes.

I bought champagne.

I was thinking to myself. Why are you doing this? Did you not brag about being able to not drink at these things?
Yes, yes Kristin you did.

Did you not black out for ALL OF KASKADE and will forever regret it?

Yes, yes Kristin you did.

Did you not feel like the shit of all shits after drinking on Sunday?

Yes, yes Kristin you did.

And yet I bought it.

So what is this relationship I have with booze?

Is it social? Partially. I see others doing it and I want to too. But then again I see people making fools out of themselves and really don't want to do that too.

AND I know comparing is bad. Very very bad. I am not like you - you are not like me. I am me and I need to take care of me and do what I want.

Selfish? Yes.
And that's ok.

So is booze a coping mechanism? Kind of? I am not drinking tonight because I feel sad. Because I feel fat. Because I am upset. I am drinking I guess because I am wanting to celebrate. I want the buzz. The little light innocent buzz.

Also, I look at it this way. I have this HUGE negative connotation towards drinking. Like you know how we have fun food? And fun food is things like chocolate or sweets or baked goods etc? Well I used to look at that stuff as bad news bears. The end of all ends. Forbidden.

So I would binge off of them.

I also look at alcohol in that way now. I feel like it's totally off limits. That it's the devil. That everyone will be disappointed in me if I have some. That it's forbidden.

But when I look at the big picture, I treat it just like I do fun foods. I put it on a pedestal I give it power. And like the fun food I have to relearn how to use it and enjoy it. In normal amounts, in a safe setting and really be present while doing it.

That means no chugging it, no taking shots, no taking pulls. That means sitting down enjoying a glass, bottle, whatever and seeing how I feel.

I am happy with my conclusion and how I've sorted this out.

I am going to go make dinner and eat it all, no more no less.

I am in control. Not ED.

Then I'm going to dance and dance and yell and scream and dress up like a giraffe until my friends come get me and I go off to Freaknight.

I went a year ago almost exactly. Last time I was probably 10 / 15 lbs lighter and blacked out. I was just trying this thing called recovery and look at me now.

This time can be different.

<3 be="be" bless.="bless." god="god" p="p" safe="safe" tonight="tonight">