I don't have really significant events that have happened. Like there was no first day of my eating disorder and I've celebrated it annually. I celebrated that shit everyday. HA.
Some girls in treatment are rape victims, had physically abusive boy friends etc I don't. I felt that well, I was just weird for having it, like there was no real reason. But as I went through significant and seemingly insignificant events in my life, it made sense that I do what I do.
I was sexually abused at a young age a couple of times.
During that time is when the girls stopped liking me.
Then I started at a new school.
I went from being a happy go lucky tom boy to a confused, lost little girl.
Life went on and I felt increasingly lonely. Like the odd one out. I had a great amount of social anxiety.
In the 8th grade I learned about anorexia. I thought I had the answer.
Going to high school and seeing all of the pretty girls flirting with the football boys-I wanted nothing more than to be that. Accepted. So I continued to focus on my looks and being perfect.
But nothing worked. Was ever good enough. And the habits became coping mechanisms.
During this time my mom and I fought constantly. My house was not a home. I didn't trust men, or my dad. I was in such a dark and twisted place for so long.
When I realized that ED was not my friend anymore I began to ask my parents for help. None ever really came. My parents couldn't afford it and that was the end of that.
My mom and dad got sick of my drama and my complaining. Phrases like "you're selfish," "I can't deal with you anymore, I've dealt with you all your life," were said to me every other day.
However, I was in a bad place and only saw the negative. ED fed off of it. My parents of course complimented me, and my friends did too, but it's the negative that sticks with me.
The feeling of being hated, unwanted and unloved was prevalent in all aspects of my life, with guys, social circles, at home and in sports. So I tried harder to fix myself.
When telling my story today the girls brought up a lot of fucking fantastic points:
- people being mean to me is not my fault - I always wondered what was wrong with ME not with them
- the sexual abuse was NOT my fault - being attractive and whether having a nice body has always confusing to me - what did it mean to be desirable? I loved and hated it at the same time.
- I'm amazing for having lived in such a hostile environment and having everything that has happened to me not totally effect who I am. I do not take my anger out on others anymore. Or myself.
- I am fucking tough for paying for my own treatment. For seeking it out on my own. It's really hard to keep asking for help and be denied. It kills your courage and hope in getting a resolve.
- They wished that I would understand that it's ok to be beautiful and to realize the beauty that I have in me.
I lost it on that last one. I've always heard these things but it seems so silly to me. But the more I hear it the more I believe it.
I was called heartbreakingly beautiful yesterday and I really like that saying. It breaks their heart that I don't see my beauty. I don't want to always be like this but I thought it was a great way to describe it.
So I have this peace and this understanding about who I am and why I am the way I am. And more importantly where I want to go. I am no longer that girl, I am not the things that I've done or had done to me.
I am just me and that's beautiful.
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