Treatment Day 30 : Breaking Habits Is Hard To Do

So I'm soaking wet, waiting in the dim light for my bus home from treatment.

This sucks balls. I got out at 6:30, it's 7:15. My bus still isn't here.

I've already spent 11 hours at treatment, and now I'm just sitting here in the dark waiting. Then I still have to take the ride home. Then walk up from Seattle to the hill.

I'm just really bitter. Yes, there's nothing I can do about it, but it doesn't make me feel better. I'm just angry. I'm angry that I don't have a car. That all the other girls in treatment are already home. That they aren't soaking wet.

If I was home I'd be putting away my laundry, going to QFC, working on my Halloween costume, watching highlights of the game. But instead I'm here.

It's the out of control feeling that I don't like. I can't stand it. That's why I do what I do. I want to feel like I have a handle on things. That my actions cause an automatic reaction. I like seeing progress and getting results. When I throw up I feel empty, which calms me. When I exercise there are endorphins that give me a kick start. When I don't eat and deny my body food it's all up to me. You know what I mean?

And now I'm left here to sit. Just be with nothing to do and all my thoughts. It fucking sucks. So I thought I'd journal about it.

It's not helping.

I've just been angry lately. Since I'm not bingeing, purging, and haven't exercised in a week (fuck.) I am not using my coping skills that I usually do. I am no longer ignoring my anger. Or pushing it down and away with my disordered behavior. Instead I'm just feeling it.

It's like you have peanut butter in your hair and everyone took away every method you had to deal with it. So you must sit there with the sticky stuff getting worse, smelling stronger, getting messier as you try to think of other ways to get it out.

That's where I'm at.

Now, I have things that I'm learning to help me but they are not instinctive.

When I get anxious I need like to breathe deeply and try to notice things that are happening in the moment, right then and there. That reminds me of where I am and not about all the things I should be doing or should have done.

When I start to pinch at my waist and thighs, analyzing them, I just tell Ed to stop it. To leave me alone. I don't have anything to counter his insults because I still see them as fat, but stopping the thought helps. It gives me power.

Also, I'm supposed to start surrounding myself with positive things. Like doing things I want to do, instead of being preoccupied with food and exercise and rituals. This is also new to me and like with anything new it's uncomfortable. I'm supposed to NOT workout everyday, that used to bring Ed joy, not always me. So what the fuck do I do with my time? I turn to food after that, which I can't do anymore. So there's a lot of walking around my house cleaning. Ha cool huh? Social situations still make me anxious so I don't go out much. But I'm starting to find things that make me happy.

It goes back to values.

What are your values? Mine used to be being thin. And being seen as successful. That's it.

But now I'm realizing that my values are being a good friend, sister, daughter, Christian, writer. I want to walk into a room and exude confidence. I want to make others laugh with my sarcasm. I want to spark ideas and hope in others with my writing.

Now, none of those things have to do with appearance.

Oh.

Weird.

Today we had to name people we admired. I write down my 5 closest friends. I then wrote why I admired them, and this is what I said: " They are strong, beautiful, selfless and caring people. But most of all I admire that they are their own person, they are comfortable in their skin and own who they are, they know who they are."

I want to be like my friends, so maybe I should hang out with them more instead of Ed.

Goodnight God bless